Sunday, October 30, 2011

Tis the Season To Be... Cuffing

With the first snowfall of the season behind us, I felt like a post on cuffing was long overdue. The days have gotten shorter, a full on chill is in the air and I can see my breath when I walk outside in the morning; cuffing season is in full swing. But before you jump right on in there head first, here are a couple rules my bestie and I came up with.

Cuffing 101

Tip #1: Be sure to clearly communicate the parameters of your cuffing situation. Kickin it? Cuddling only? Dates that take place outside, in the sunlight? Sex? 

Tip #2:  Cuffin should not automatically be confused as a booty call. However, a 3am call is a 3am call. Ain’t no talking or cuddling bout to be had at 3am!!
Tip #3: With that said, if things do turn physical, stay protected . You need sunblock in the summer, right? 
Tip #4:  Cuffing does not automatically equal waking up together and to one person making the other "cheese omelettes". Love Jones. Never assume that the cuffin session is an overnight visit.  And don't be surprised if he/she dips out in the middle of the night.  If discussed, be ready to leave in the morning with no breakfast (Refer to Tip #1).

Tip #5:  Each cuffer is allowed one or two backup partners, but the original partner should be reached out to first to see if available. 

Tip #6:  Inter-seasonal cuffing partner changes are not allowed! Partner(s) should be decided upon prior to November 1st. 

Tip #7:  Keep cuffing sessions off of social media! The last thing one of your cuffing partners needs to hear is that you're cuffing and it's not with them. Respect is key in all interpersonal relationships or else... #dressedinallblackliketheomen 

Tip #8:  Do not be surprised if your "purely cuffing" partner gets mum during the holidays. Also, just in case they don't go M.I.A. during the holidays; don't automatically assume that means you're getting a gift for Christmas or an invite to the family dinner. Both of those assumptions are a great way to find up looking like an ass.

Tip #9:  Should you decide to be snowed in with your partner, it may turn out like that Fresh Prince episode with Will smith and Tisha Campbell. So always be prepared for the worst.

 Tip #10:  Should you decide to become an item with your partner, note that your relationship may turn rocky at the first sign of spring.
*Play close attention to Punxsutawney Phil because if that lil n*gga sees his shadow, it's curtains for cuffing season. 

Did we miss anything??
Happy Cuffing!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

That Combustible Love

What y'all know about that combustible love? I'm talking explosive passion, tears, ridiculous fun, calls or few to the police, somebody getting chocked, endless intimacy... that "I hate that I love you" type of love. Super unhealthy but so difficult to walk away from. That person is everything you think you want while being everything you don't need at the same time.

That is exactly what I thought of when I watched Rihanna's newest video for "We Found Love". It really through me off guard because it wasn't at all what I was expecting.

Ever been there?

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Million Little Pieces

2011 has truly been the year of introspection and self analysis for me. I've always been one who thought way too much and too hard about the things that happen in my life, but this year took it to a whole other level.

"Who am I?" "Where am I going?" "Why am I here?" "But, why did that happen" "Why can't this person be in my life". Why, why why... why why. Just too much. During a recent session of self-loathing, a lightbulb went off. Instead of looking at the past year and wallowing in self pity about why it might be that I'm not where I feel I should be, I've decided to assess how I got to be who I am and where I am. For example, let's take the ever-present question: "Why am I single?". Answer: I'm single because I'm seriously not ready to bring a man into my life, as is. As much as I want a warm body to lay next to, subconsciously, I know that I need work. As I said the other day on twitter(DyannaLynn if you don't already follow me), I don't have to be 100% complete to be in a relationship but I can't be in a million little pieces either. And right now, that's exactly where I am. Shattered on the ground, in jagged fragments. And I've decided that that's okay because I can never figure out what's going on with me as a whole if I don't address every piece of me.

My recent dating history is...interesting. It makes for some great laughs and brunch conversation but at the end of the day none of my suitors, although some have gotten close, have made it for the long haul. And as much as I want to blame them for each and every mis-step, I can't.

I hate sharing emotion (you can't tell from this blog, right?), I feel it leaves me too vulnerable. And while that may work in helping to protect myself from getting hurt, it also keeps me from being open to receiving love. I can't remember the last time I told a man that I liked him unless it was a part of an attempt to not get him to walk away. And that isn't because I didn't like any of the guys I dated, I did. I just didn't want to be the one to say it first and run the risk of not hearing it back. And for these same reasons, I'm not affectionate either. The last time I curled up under a man and whispered in his ear? Who knows. Anything and everything that could show a man that I was interested in him, I wasn't interested in doing because I just knew I would wind up looking stupid. I wasn't thinking about the fact that men need to feel wanted & needed. By not being open to sharing my emotion and passion with men, I actually had feelings for, I'm pretty sure I cold-shouldered my way down a continued path of singletude. Leaving the door wide open for women who were willing to say and do what I didn't know how to allow myself to.

Now that I've begun to address this piece of me, will I be able to change the way I operate going forward? The honest truth is that I don't know. I can only hope that these million little pieces somehow, someway, some time soon come together and leave me with a fuller self that is more focused, confident and willing to take a chance. Only time will tell

Sunday, October 9, 2011


"A man who will cheat with you, will cheat on you" - Some wise old sage

I don't know if that statement is true or not, but I believe it's befitting for this post. Have I ever told you all the story of my date with the married man? I feel like I did but I don't have the patience this AM to go search for it.

Many, many years ago when I first moved to NYC, I was riding the 1 train from Harlem to work and a man got my attention by commenting on the book I was reading: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Nobody strikes up conversations with strangers during the morning commute on the NYC subway, so I was intrigued to say the least. He wasn't physically my type but I said, what the hey and we exchanged info.

After a couple weeks of plotting to get together, he invited me out for drinks. A couple drinks later, some laughs and good conversation and we get down to the nitty gritty of it all. We begin discussing relationships and he asks me what it is that I'm looking for in a man. A big sigh and a few seconds later, I respond with "honesty". And in true, straight from a movie fashion, he responds, "well since we're being honest I need to tell you something". Naturally my eye brow is raised at this point and I'm checking for my exits(just in case a quick escape is needed) because what in the world could you be feeling the need to be honest with me about already??

"I'm married."

I do believe my jaw hit the bar at that point and my eyes got wide as I processed my date's moment of truth. "Did he just say he was marrried? Why are we on this date then? What? Just... why!?".

He proceeds to explain how he's been married for all of four years to an older woman and as his words get drowned out by white noise, the only question I can muster up is, "where's your wedding band?". "I threw it in a fight and it got lost. That was actually my second one". What kind of man gets mad at his wife in a fight and throws his wedding band? Is what I wanted to ask but kept my lips sealed as my date, now the married man, went on the explain how we could still go out together and he could take me on weekend trips. We could have "fun"... o_0 Maybe in some alternate, parallel universe this would have sounded like a good idea, but definitely not in my reality.

Aggressively feeling sick to my stomach, the date ended abruptly with him continuing to talk about us getting together for future engagements. Future... why? I walk home feeling confused, disgusted and discouraged. And also feeling bad for this man's wife. After a mere 4 years of marriage your man is out tipping around with single women. Buying them drinks and chatting them up in a way that only a man with no formal attachments should. Your husband is a cheater with no shame or remorse. But, why?

Fast forward to last week. I'm chatting with a girlfriend about a date she just went on earlier that evening. "Which do you want to hear first? The okay, the bad or the worst?", she asks. Oh Lord here we go. After lamenting about her date discussing his previous dates/situations with other women with her and his decision to go dutch on a $40 bill, she gets to the kicker... the worst. All night she had noticed a ring on his finger, he too must have noticed that she did because half way through the date he fidgets around for a bit under the table and his hand reappears ringless. This man, her date, is married. In later conversation he admits to being married but wanting to continue to get together with her in the future.

What part of the game is this?? Obviously too many woman have been willing to overlook a man's married status just to have someone to show them attention and now these selfish a-holes are under the impression that dating outside of a marriage is cool. I want a husband someday, but not someone else's. At what point did we start taking marriage so lightly? Do only men do this? Not cheat, obviously, do married women go out on dates with single men? I can't say that I've ever heard one of my guy friends talk about taking a married chic out on a date.

Thoughts people?