I Have A Girlfriend, I'm Not Dead

The title of today's post is essentially what one of my guy friends told me while having dinner the other night. As is common place with the 20+ crowd, we got to talking about men, women and relationships. I've known this guy for almost a year and in that time I've only heard him mention a girlfriend once, twice if you count the conversation I'm recounting for you all.

This particular evening, he must have been in the mood to chat about the girlfriend because he started talking about how him being in a relationship doesn't mean he can't have female friends and go out for dinner/drinks and party with them. Okay, I see your point here. I've always been a believer in the theory that a person is single until they say 'I do'. As he continues talking, a couple questions start to pop up in my head and I have to break my silence and speak up. The biggest question being, "How long have you and your girlfriend been together?". His response, "almost two years". 0_0

Let's back this story up and explain the reasoning for the wide-eyed emoticon. This guy and I, I believe his nickname should be Napoleon for the purpose of this entry and those going forward, have gone out a few times. Partied together pretty often and even had the "what are you looking for?* conversation". Remember how I said we've only been friends for almost a year, and he's been in a relationship for almost two years? Yeeeeeah 0_0 once again. For someone who's had a girlfriend for nearly 2 years, Napoleon sure has been spending a decent amount of time with a single woman. Make that WOMEN. While I've never ever met the girlfriend, I have met other single female friends of his who he hangs out and parties with. I just figured he was a successful single guy who enjoyed spending time with attractive women, which honestly never bothered me but it did dumbfound me. How could Napoleon have all these single attractive women around and not want to make something serious out of at least one? Well, I guess the answer was that he already wifed one up, she was just sitting at home.

Now let's press 'real time' and get back to the conversation from the other night. In speaking about his girlfriend, Napoleon proceeds to explain to me his relationship and how having been the controlling boyfriend before in an insecure relationship, he now believes that while he may be involved with someone that doesn't mean he can't hang out with and entertain friends of the opposite sex. In my book, having friends of the opposite sex is A-OK. But aquiring new single friends of the opposite sex and hanging out with them when your significant other isn't around is somewhat of a different story. Seriously, I didn't even know this woman existed until a couple months ago.

I would never consider myself to be the jealous type, I'm very open minded about the parameters that should exist within relationships, but this situation seems a bit iffy. How would you feel as the significant other on the other end of that relationship where your man/woman has friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with that you've never even met? I know that my intentions here with Napoleon are harmless, we're nothing more than friends, but I know every woman can't just want to be this guy's friend. And that I believe is what can put such situations in the danger zone. Of course when I asked him if it was okay for his girlfriend to have guy friends and go out with them and party with them as he does with his female friends; what was his response? No. Go figure.

What do you all think? Should a person in a relationship hold friendships with people of the opposite sex unbeknowst to their partner? Let me know what you think.

*Please reference my previous entry: "What I'm Looking For" from 11/10 which chronicled this conversation with Napoleon.

I'm Afraid, Now What?

As most of us know, our experiences are what shape us; the good, the bad, the ugly and indifferent. Somehow, someway all of the things that happen in our lives have an effect on us and thus how we deal with those around us going forward. With that said, after doing some soul searching last night I finally was able to admit to myself that when it comes to matters of the heart and opening up to men, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid because I find it hard to believe that there's someone out there who could genuinely care about my feelings more than they care about their own right now. Someone who wants to see my character before they see what's beneath my clothes. Someone who's willing to take a leap with me and see if we could build something together once we land.

I don't want to be the first one to call, the first one to text, the first one to ask "where could you see this going?". I don't want to put myself out there and let him know that I'm "digging you like a grave"* when really I may not be anything more than just another chic riding his bench waiting to get put in the game.

Being in this "quarter life" stage, so much of who I am and what I'm doing is in a state of limbo. So adding the vulnerability that comes with opening up to a man to the rocky road I'm already trodding on, can sound like more than I'm willing and able to handle. I've gotten to the point where I'd almost rather nip the possibility of seeing where things could go with someone in the bud at the very beginning, rather than taking the chance of getting my heart stepped on. I do all this talking(typing) about wanting to take the steps to find the guy for me but am I really ready to receive him? If I know nothing else, it's that love and fear don't mix.

So now that I've taken a deep breath and admitted my fear(s), what do I do now? How do I get past this? Maybe you all have some advice, because on this one, I surely don't.

*Love Jones reference for all those who didn't take Black Love Movies 101

Why 'The Spark' Is About As Real as Santa, Unicorns & The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

During a heated discussion with a guy I once dated, he told me that he and I could never be together because he didn't feel a "spark" when we first met. Even though this conversation took place over a year ago, I still remember that statement because it was one of the most confusingly hurtful things I had ever been told. At this point I had known this guy for over 3 yrs and we had gone through quite the rollercoaster ride together, but the worst part was that he not only told me he didn't feel a spark with me but that he had felt one with his ex-girlfriend which is why he had decided to be with her and not me. Seeing as he and the girlfriend had just broken up, you would think that would be an indicator to him at just how full of bs this notion of "the spark" actually is.

But with that long anecdote aside, what exactly is "the spark"? And when do you feel it? Is it that warm feeling that you get when you first meet someone that you're attracted to? Is it something that you can feel for several people? I've had a couple conversations over the past week, discussing possible answers to these questions, and the conclusion that I've come to is that what most people refer to as "the spark" is most often nothing more than lust.

My dad reads the Date Lab* column in the Washington Post magazine every Sunday and it never fails that week after week couples who admit having a great time with one another end the column by saying "there just wasn't a spark". So you enjoyed this person's conversation, they made you laugh, you had things in common but because you didn't feel "the spark", you won't go out on a second date with them? Am I the only person that's confused by that?

It's kind of like, we've gotten so into the instant gratification aspect of the 21st century that we forget that some things, ie. genuine lasting feelings, don't always hit you as soon as you meet someone. I like to think of good relationships like I do my friendships. I have some friends that when we first met, my only thought was "who the hell does this chic/dude think she/he?", but because there was something about them that peaked my interest, a friendship was able to form and blossom.

Too many people think good potential relationships have to begin with an instant spark of sensual feeling; like if I don't think I could sleep with you love you right now, I definitely won't in a couple months or years. We've become so side tracked by lust, which I definitely think is more of an instant and often fleeting feeling, that we no longer seem to have the patience it takes to form successful relationships. Can we really then be surprised by the high divorce rates and relationship failures of today?

I may just be speaking out of my ass but let me know what you guys think. What do you all think, is "the spark" real or just a figment of our adult imaginations?

*Date Lab is a column where The Washington Post sets up singles of all colors, ages & orientations on blind dates and then reports on their experiences for our entertainment.

Marriage Is For White People*

As of 2008**:

• 32% of Black adults were married (compared to 56% of Whites)


• 72% of Black women giving birth were unmarried (29% of White women)


• 52% of all Black children under the age of 18 were living in a single parent household (in comparison, 74% of white children live in a two-parent household)


• 44% of Black adults feel that marriage is becoming obsolete

Sigh. Don't these statistics make you cringe, juuuust a little?? I'm particularly disturbed by the one about 72% of Black women giving birth being unmarried. But anywho, that's not what I came on here to discuss. What I want to write about today is what I think is going on with Black folks and marriage. However, I wouldn't be surprised if that statistic finds it's way into my impending argument.

Let me begin by saying that I fully believe in marriage. I grew up seeing positive, successful marriages; not only from my parents, but from many of my friend's parents as well. I've also seen marriages that were dysfunctional and broken and thus, I ironically also believe in divorce. Just because two people decide to get married, that doesn't mean they decided to get married to the right person. Sometimes things just don't work out. If the existence two people have created together is constantly bogged down with misery and marital counseling doesn't help, they may need to view divorce as an option.

I don't believe that these stats are saying that Black people don't want to get married anymore. I think Black people do want to get married, we just struggle with trying to figure out how to love one another in a healthy way. I've heard too many young people lamenting about how they don't trust men/women and I think there lies the source of our problem. How have we allowed ourselves to be so scarred by our prior experiences that we've lost all trust in one another?? And once you get to a point that you find it hard to trust the opposite sex, how do you come back from that and begin to trust again?

Another reason why marriage has become such a challenge for us is that men and women no longer see eye to eye on gender roles. As black women continue to attend college at a greater rate than black men and stake their place in corporate America, we no longer are satisfied with simply playing the role of wife and mother. That's not to say that black men haven't made strides as well, because they have, just not at the same rate as black women. So what happens when Ms. Independent meets Mr. Traditional? An epic clash of egos, that's what.

We are also products of our environment. According to the above statistic, 52% of all black children under the age of 18 are being reared in single family households. How can we be expected to know how to be in successful relationships that result in marriage if we didn't grow up seeing them? It really just becomes a vicious cycle.

Why else do I think marriage in the black community is on the decline? Black women and our tendency to accept whatever we're offered while we secretly hope to one day get what we actually desire from our partners. 72% of black women who gave birth were unmarried, not because we are oversexed and careless, but because too often we've gotten ourselves in deadend relationships that offer up babies as consolation prizes. Most of us really do want to get married and have nuclear families but when the men we're with ask for our patience while they get themselves together, we sit back and allow the years to pass and everntually get stuck in situations of complacency. That guy may not be giving you what you want but you'd still rather be with him than spend your nights and days alone.

All of the above are viable reasons why marriage may be on the decline for black people, but I can't end this post without acknowledging that marriage and what it means for our society is changing for everyone. No longer are we feeling like we HAVE to get married, have two and a half kids, a dog and the white picket fence to be considered successful at life.

Do YOU believe in marriage? Why or why not?

How Long is Too Long?

How long is too long to have been completely and absolutely single? Is it a couple months, 6 months, a year or five?

After a while does your ability to successfully be in relationships go bad like old milk?

I've been asking myself all these questions, plus many more, after several conversations I've held with male acquaintances over the past couple months. It never fails that I meet a guy and one of the first questions he asks is, "when is the last time you were involved with someone?" After the twitch in my right eye subsides and I've mulled over whether to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, I reveal an answer which apparently is quite unbelievable. It never fails that once I explain my situation, I'm met with looks of disbelief and a gamut of related questions that I often have no answer to (ie. but why have you been single so long?).

For all of you all who read my blog, you know I've been single for a long ass time. Longer than I think is reasonable but hey, it is what it is. But what I really want to discuss here is whether there is a length of time that just seems ridiculous for a young, attractive, sane person to spend with no serious object of affection?

And what about serial monogomists? I refuse to leave them out of this conversation. I know a couple people(all women) who can't seem to be single for longer than a couple months. You know the ones; every time you turn around there's someone new that they are absolutely smitten over. Dependency issues much? Isn't something just as odd about that?

I'm honestly used to hearing my girlfriends talk about being single for extended periods of time, so it's not an odd thing for me to hear. I'm actually more surprised when I meet groups of women who are in actual relationships. That may sound dramatic but I figure it's just a consequence of being a professional woman living in a major city where men often find the odds in their favor.

What's even more interesting to me to me is that nobody is surprised when a man says he's been single for a long time. A dude could be like, "I don't even remember the last time I had a girlfriend" and people would just be like "oh". For a woman to say the same thing is totally taboo. All of a sudden there must be something wrong with her; why is she fighting something that comes so natural to her. I figure this is because societal norms catagorize women as being relationship seekers while men are expected and encouraged to play the field for as long as humanly possible.

With that said, is the length of acceptable time spent in the "single zone", before people think something MUST be wrong with you, different for men and women? Should it even matter how long someone has spent riding solo?

Discuss.

Since I'm Not Writing...

Some of you may have noticed that I've taken an unplanned hiatus from blogging. I hadn't planned on going so long without blogging but I've got a lot on my mind these days and some very important decisions to make in a short period of time. Have I ever said how much I hate adulthood??

But anyway, since I haven't been doing much writing(that's a lie, I've started 4 drafts since my last post, just haven't finished any), I have been doing a lot of reading within the blogosphere. The following are two articles I came across that I figured you all may like to read as well.

This first one is from the Village Voice and is pretty dear to my heart and experiences, for obvious reasons. Even though it's specifically mentioning women in NYC, I think young single women in many major cities have similar experiences.
"Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You" http://www.villagevoice.com/2011-02-09/news/dear-single-women-of-nyc-it-s-not-them-it-s-you/

The second article is "The No-Boyfriend Zone" written by Alysha P. Reid from Clutch Magazine http://clutchmagonline.com/lifeculture/feature/the-no-boyfriend-zone/.

Ironically enough, both of these articles take an introspective look at female singletude. Maybe that's what attracted me to them. But anywho, take a look at them and let me know what you all think!

Why Friends With Benefits Benefits No One

So Valentine's Day is a couple days away and guess what? I'm not going to write a post about it this time. Honestly, as much as I'm a fan of the holiday, I really have nothing to say about it this year. I don't have a Valentine and even my dad, who usually sends me flowers every year, has already told me that won't be happening because I live in their basement now lol. And no, I'm not bitter, I'm just explaining my current state of VDay ambivalence :o) So with all that said, I decided to write about this topic instead.

A couple weekends ago I went to see No Strings Attached with Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman; however, long before I saw the movie I had been wanting to write a post about the topic of 'friends with benefits' arrangements.

Whether you call them friends with benefits, sex buddies, cut buddies or whatever else, long story short, I don't believe in them. In theory this concept seems like a homerun, but most of the time it ends up being a recipe for disaster. Let me break down for you guys.

Why this situation doesn't work for women:
I've heard women, some of them my own friends, say that they can be in relationships that are purely sexual & have that be a-okay with them (-_-) Let's be forreal. As women, we aren't wired to seperate sex and emotional attachment. I'm not saying we fall in love with every man we have sex with, but we definitely form some type of weird bond with them. Especially if we've had sex more than once with the guy. At the end of the day, I don't think men who once viewed you as a form of sexual enjoyment can take you seriously as anything else. I know that's a blanket statement and that sometimes something more does spring from these situations, but that is so rare. So why would you willingly want to engage in a relationship that more often than not will lead you on a long & possibly emotional journey to nowhere land? Do you really want to only get "I want to see you" calls at 1am?? Never be taken out on a date by this guy? Never be introduced to his close friends and family?? I doubt it.

Why this situation doesn't work for men:
I really think you men out there think you hit the jackpot when a woman "agrees"(most of the time not verbally, but just by going along with it) to a FWB situation. You see it as getting the booty and not having to worry about the drama that comes along with romantic relationships. Well, let me tell you this; you also put yourself at risk of aquiring what I like to refer to as the Stage 5 Clinger. Ever had a girl that you were simply having sex with want to start getting more involved in your life? Maybe she wants to go out in the daylight, meet your friends, your mama even. Or better yet, maybe she's called you 5 times back to back and left some scathing voicemail once she's noticed you aren't picking up? That my friends, is a Stage 5 Clinger.

Let me reinerate that most sane and stable women will not be okay with a FWB situation for very long. If she likes you enough to be sleeping with you and maybe even letting you spend the night and drool on her pillow, she probably likes you enough to try and see if she can some how, through sex voodoo, convince you to take her more seriously. It's a problem we women sometimes have of thinking we can change men's minds and thoughts in order to have them align with our own.

So ladies, please save yourselves and your friends too from the headaches and men, save yourselves from Stage 5 Clingers by just saying "NO" to friends with benefits relationships.

Do you guys agree or am I just speaking from a one sided point of view?