True Life: I'm A Feminist, Pt. 1

What do you get when you cross June Cleaver and bell hooks?

To this day, what do you think most people's impressions of feminists are? That they are all rough around the edges, hairy armpit having, man hating lesbians? That might sound pretty harsh but the truth is that's what many people think of when they think about feminists.

I won't lie, several pieces of that description were my own, once upon a time, feelings about feminists. But as I've grown up over the past couple years, I've realized that much of who I am agrees with feminist ideologies. I'm as pro-woman as can be, but without being anti-man. Is that possible? I think so.

I'm as much about making sure that I have the instincts and skills it takes to raise a family as I am about having the determination and confidence it takes to eventually own my own business. I love to cook and bake and take care of my toddler niece, but should that make me less a feminist? As I stated above, I think feminists are too often looked at as being anti-man. Can't I be for one thing without being against another? Why can't the two coincide? I'm not saying that it's easy, but I do think it is possible.

The struggle between being pro women's achievement & progression, while realizing that men are still going to be men, is part of the issue I believe we're having in trying to foster romantic relationships between one another in modern society. There's no denying that black women are achieving at levels unparallelled by black men. That has made us feel that we have a certain power and control in a relationship where traditionally we had very little. I can now, as a woman, be the breadwinner and financially provide for the family justas/more than a man can. I can "bring home the bacon AND fry it up in the pan". But what happens when that makes men uncomfortable?

While we may be evolving as women, men for the most part are fundamentally staying the same. We may be getting degrees and becoming CEOs, CFOs, and presidents of companies but men don't want us to lose that soft edge that characterizes femininity. Just because I dole out commands at work doesn't mean my man is going to be happy with me trying to tell him what to do all the time. Not being in total control in the home, doesn't make us any less powerful and that's something we need to realize.

Men like to be men and do manly things, that's not going to change. Men like their egos stroked - FACT. And keeping their egos stroked helps keep the balance, the peace. Have you all heard the saying, "the man is the head of the household, while the woman is the neck"? It embodies the idea that women have control, we just don't have to throw it in a man's face. When we do that, that's when we lose balance and men begin to think of women who have achieved as power hungry b*tches who think they have bigger cahunas than the men in their lives. Is it so wrong and anti women's progression to believe that while women are achieving by leaps and bounds, it's still just as important to recognize a man's need to feel like a man?

As a woman who considers herself a feminist, my opinion may not be a popular one. What does a woman who is about female empowerment, look like slapping on an apron and getting down in the kitchen??

This is what she looks like ----->


Behold the apron wearing, heels in the kitchen, aspiring housewife feminist. I may be rare, but damnit I'm a movement.

**Look out for Pt. 2!

Sisterhood

Most of my thoughts on this blog are devoted to male/female relationships but lately I've had it on my heart to write about my relationships with other women.

I'm one of three; the middle child to be exact. Don't waste your time thinking of middle child syndrome jokes to explain my behavior because honestly I've always felt more like the oldest. Many people don't know, but I have an older sister who at the age of 3, suffered a seizure that left her with a mild learning disability. You'd never notice it if were just sitting and having a conversation with her but it's something that I've always carried around with me and felt the need to keep quiet as if it were a piece of me to be ashamed of. It took me a long time to be comfortable with the fact that I had an older sister, but never felt like I did because we were never able to have those pivotal older sister/younger sister conversations about boys, our bodies, and just life in general. I told myself from a young age that I had to be the oldest and the protector.

You would think that not feeling like I had the "I've been here before, now let me guide you" older sister experience would make me want to latch on to other women and find someone to play that role, but it didn't. Instead I feel like it did the opposite. It was like I didn't know how to relate to other girls/women unless I could be the one in the supportive role. It was difficult for me to even let other girls that I called my friends see me be vulnerable and weak because I felt that I had to always be the strong one.

It honestly wasn't until this past year and going through so much transition in my life that I realized sometimes I needed to be the one getting the support and not just giving it. I needed to let my sister friends see me be weak because I had gotten to a point where I felt I could no longer be strong.

A couple weeks ago while visiting with my sister friend Aamira, I realized the importance of having healthy bonds with women. While communing with women of different hues, ages and backgrounds I saw how despite our differences, we all shared many common experiences that bind us together. I learned how important it was to have women in your life that will support you as you support them. Who you can trust enough to not only see you when you triumph but also when you fall.

So this post is an ode to all the sister friends out there who are as important to my life as the family that share my last name. I love you all :-)

26 & Over The Mole Hill

**

Last Saturday, I turned 26. It's definitely not a milestone birthday but it does mean that I'm over the mole hill also known as 25. So now what? How about an update on where I am now versus where I was a year ago at this same time?

July 2010
Booooooy, was I a mess. Living in NYC, working for America's Department store and wanting for, yearning for, more. Crying in my pillow all the time, OD emotional because I was trying to make one of the most difficult decisions I EVER had to make in my whole life. If you all have been peeking in on the blog since I started it, you know exactly what I mean. I was in a love/hate relationship with everything that was going on in my life.

On one hand I loved NYC, it was the city I had always dreamed of living and working in. But on the other hand I felt used and abused by a city that so many people love but rarely gives you any love back. I was tired of living in an apartment with 3 chics(even though I love you guys!), not having a car, being in an overpopulated neighborhood, having my blood pressure rise everytime I rode the train etc etc. I was also tired of slaving for the man and not feeling like it was getting me anywhere. I had put in 3 trying and stressful years at Macy's and didn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. So what did I do? I quit. No job, no concrete plan, nothing. I took a leap of faith and hoped the landing would be soft.

And honey let me tell you, it wasn't. The months that followed after leaving New York were some of the most depressing ever. My initial dream of going to culinary arts school for pastry work and opening a dessert truck all but melted away. I got into two programs and did research on trucks, even got my food handler's certification, but I was losing sight of who I was and why I had make the decision to move back to DC.

I got all but comfortable working a job that made my social life disappear. I love retail but working store-line?? Never the hell again. I couldn't spend time going out with my existing friends and meet new people because nobody understood not being able to come out and play until after 9pm and rarely ever on the weekends. I lost friendships, some that meant a lot to me, all because I felt lost in a place that I thought would lovingly embrace me. This was home; so why wasn't I happy?

And let's not forget to mention that my love(less) life didn't help the situation any. Remember how happy I was when I went to that house party back in the fall shortly after moving back to DC, and saw that young people down here were getting married and buying houses together and all that fairy-tale shyt?? Well, let's just say I encountered quite a few experiences that left me feeling like I was back in New York. Men here still weren't ready to be in relationships, at least not in ones with me(I'll probably write about this some time in the near future).

Everything was stressing me out. I lost 20 lbs, 15 of which I believe occured over a 2 month span. And it wasn't because I was working out or on a diet; I just wasn't eating. Ever had your mother threaten to have you put in the hospital so you could get an IV and be dead serious about it? Yeah, I'm getting real here. Essentially I had gotten to a point where I was so low, I was letting all these outside forces to break me down.

And so once I was broken down, how did I get up? Not to get preachy here, but I had to rediscover how to lean on faith. God would never give me more than I could handle and I had to remember that. All of those small things that were chipping away at the focused, driven me that decided to leave my 'city of dreams' and build something concrete here in DC, needed to be reevaluated and kicked out of my life.

So 369 days after reaching the quarter life summit, I feel stronger and more positive than ever. I may not have that food truck or that dessert business right now but I know that if I really want it, it WILL be my reality. If not next year, maybe in 3 years, maybe in 5. However, patience, love and faith will get me there.


Woooooo! Writing this felt good. Thanks for continuing to read and travel with me on this thing called life.

**Click the pic, it'll expand so you can see it in all it's glory. Of course I drew this masterpiece. I call it: The Roaring 20's. Ha!

I Have A Girlfriend, I'm Not Dead

The title of today's post is essentially what one of my guy friends told me while having dinner the other night. As is common place with the 20+ crowd, we got to talking about men, women and relationships. I've known this guy for almost a year and in that time I've only heard him mention a girlfriend once, twice if you count the conversation I'm recounting for you all.

This particular evening, he must have been in the mood to chat about the girlfriend because he started talking about how him being in a relationship doesn't mean he can't have female friends and go out for dinner/drinks and party with them. Okay, I see your point here. I've always been a believer in the theory that a person is single until they say 'I do'. As he continues talking, a couple questions start to pop up in my head and I have to break my silence and speak up. The biggest question being, "How long have you and your girlfriend been together?". His response, "almost two years". 0_0

Let's back this story up and explain the reasoning for the wide-eyed emoticon. This guy and I, I believe his nickname should be Napoleon for the purpose of this entry and those going forward, have gone out a few times. Partied together pretty often and even had the "what are you looking for?* conversation". Remember how I said we've only been friends for almost a year, and he's been in a relationship for almost two years? Yeeeeeah 0_0 once again. For someone who's had a girlfriend for nearly 2 years, Napoleon sure has been spending a decent amount of time with a single woman. Make that WOMEN. While I've never ever met the girlfriend, I have met other single female friends of his who he hangs out and parties with. I just figured he was a successful single guy who enjoyed spending time with attractive women, which honestly never bothered me but it did dumbfound me. How could Napoleon have all these single attractive women around and not want to make something serious out of at least one? Well, I guess the answer was that he already wifed one up, she was just sitting at home.

Now let's press 'real time' and get back to the conversation from the other night. In speaking about his girlfriend, Napoleon proceeds to explain to me his relationship and how having been the controlling boyfriend before in an insecure relationship, he now believes that while he may be involved with someone that doesn't mean he can't hang out with and entertain friends of the opposite sex. In my book, having friends of the opposite sex is A-OK. But aquiring new single friends of the opposite sex and hanging out with them when your significant other isn't around is somewhat of a different story. Seriously, I didn't even know this woman existed until a couple months ago.

I would never consider myself to be the jealous type, I'm very open minded about the parameters that should exist within relationships, but this situation seems a bit iffy. How would you feel as the significant other on the other end of that relationship where your man/woman has friends of the opposite sex that they hang out with that you've never even met? I know that my intentions here with Napoleon are harmless, we're nothing more than friends, but I know every woman can't just want to be this guy's friend. And that I believe is what can put such situations in the danger zone. Of course when I asked him if it was okay for his girlfriend to have guy friends and go out with them and party with them as he does with his female friends; what was his response? No. Go figure.

What do you all think? Should a person in a relationship hold friendships with people of the opposite sex unbeknowst to their partner? Let me know what you think.

*Please reference my previous entry: "What I'm Looking For" from 11/10 which chronicled this conversation with Napoleon.

I'm Afraid, Now What?

As most of us know, our experiences are what shape us; the good, the bad, the ugly and indifferent. Somehow, someway all of the things that happen in our lives have an effect on us and thus how we deal with those around us going forward. With that said, after doing some soul searching last night I finally was able to admit to myself that when it comes to matters of the heart and opening up to men, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid because I find it hard to believe that there's someone out there who could genuinely care about my feelings more than they care about their own right now. Someone who wants to see my character before they see what's beneath my clothes. Someone who's willing to take a leap with me and see if we could build something together once we land.

I don't want to be the first one to call, the first one to text, the first one to ask "where could you see this going?". I don't want to put myself out there and let him know that I'm "digging you like a grave"* when really I may not be anything more than just another chic riding his bench waiting to get put in the game.

Being in this "quarter life" stage, so much of who I am and what I'm doing is in a state of limbo. So adding the vulnerability that comes with opening up to a man to the rocky road I'm already trodding on, can sound like more than I'm willing and able to handle. I've gotten to the point where I'd almost rather nip the possibility of seeing where things could go with someone in the bud at the very beginning, rather than taking the chance of getting my heart stepped on. I do all this talking(typing) about wanting to take the steps to find the guy for me but am I really ready to receive him? If I know nothing else, it's that love and fear don't mix.

So now that I've taken a deep breath and admitted my fear(s), what do I do now? How do I get past this? Maybe you all have some advice, because on this one, I surely don't.

*Love Jones reference for all those who didn't take Black Love Movies 101

Why 'The Spark' Is About As Real as Santa, Unicorns & The Pot of Gold at the End of the Rainbow

During a heated discussion with a guy I once dated, he told me that he and I could never be together because he didn't feel a "spark" when we first met. Even though this conversation took place over a year ago, I still remember that statement because it was one of the most confusingly hurtful things I had ever been told. At this point I had known this guy for over 3 yrs and we had gone through quite the rollercoaster ride together, but the worst part was that he not only told me he didn't feel a spark with me but that he had felt one with his ex-girlfriend which is why he had decided to be with her and not me. Seeing as he and the girlfriend had just broken up, you would think that would be an indicator to him at just how full of bs this notion of "the spark" actually is.

But with that long anecdote aside, what exactly is "the spark"? And when do you feel it? Is it that warm feeling that you get when you first meet someone that you're attracted to? Is it something that you can feel for several people? I've had a couple conversations over the past week, discussing possible answers to these questions, and the conclusion that I've come to is that what most people refer to as "the spark" is most often nothing more than lust.

My dad reads the Date Lab* column in the Washington Post magazine every Sunday and it never fails that week after week couples who admit having a great time with one another end the column by saying "there just wasn't a spark". So you enjoyed this person's conversation, they made you laugh, you had things in common but because you didn't feel "the spark", you won't go out on a second date with them? Am I the only person that's confused by that?

It's kind of like, we've gotten so into the instant gratification aspect of the 21st century that we forget that some things, ie. genuine lasting feelings, don't always hit you as soon as you meet someone. I like to think of good relationships like I do my friendships. I have some friends that when we first met, my only thought was "who the hell does this chic/dude think she/he?", but because there was something about them that peaked my interest, a friendship was able to form and blossom.

Too many people think good potential relationships have to begin with an instant spark of sensual feeling; like if I don't think I could sleep with you love you right now, I definitely won't in a couple months or years. We've become so side tracked by lust, which I definitely think is more of an instant and often fleeting feeling, that we no longer seem to have the patience it takes to form successful relationships. Can we really then be surprised by the high divorce rates and relationship failures of today?

I may just be speaking out of my ass but let me know what you guys think. What do you all think, is "the spark" real or just a figment of our adult imaginations?

*Date Lab is a column where The Washington Post sets up singles of all colors, ages & orientations on blind dates and then reports on their experiences for our entertainment.

Marriage Is For White People*

As of 2008**:

• 32% of Black adults were married (compared to 56% of Whites)


• 72% of Black women giving birth were unmarried (29% of White women)


• 52% of all Black children under the age of 18 were living in a single parent household (in comparison, 74% of white children live in a two-parent household)


• 44% of Black adults feel that marriage is becoming obsolete

Sigh. Don't these statistics make you cringe, juuuust a little?? I'm particularly disturbed by the one about 72% of Black women giving birth being unmarried. But anywho, that's not what I came on here to discuss. What I want to write about today is what I think is going on with Black folks and marriage. However, I wouldn't be surprised if that statistic finds it's way into my impending argument.

Let me begin by saying that I fully believe in marriage. I grew up seeing positive, successful marriages; not only from my parents, but from many of my friend's parents as well. I've also seen marriages that were dysfunctional and broken and thus, I ironically also believe in divorce. Just because two people decide to get married, that doesn't mean they decided to get married to the right person. Sometimes things just don't work out. If the existence two people have created together is constantly bogged down with misery and marital counseling doesn't help, they may need to view divorce as an option.

I don't believe that these stats are saying that Black people don't want to get married anymore. I think Black people do want to get married, we just struggle with trying to figure out how to love one another in a healthy way. I've heard too many young people lamenting about how they don't trust men/women and I think there lies the source of our problem. How have we allowed ourselves to be so scarred by our prior experiences that we've lost all trust in one another?? And once you get to a point that you find it hard to trust the opposite sex, how do you come back from that and begin to trust again?

Another reason why marriage has become such a challenge for us is that men and women no longer see eye to eye on gender roles. As black women continue to attend college at a greater rate than black men and stake their place in corporate America, we no longer are satisfied with simply playing the role of wife and mother. That's not to say that black men haven't made strides as well, because they have, just not at the same rate as black women. So what happens when Ms. Independent meets Mr. Traditional? An epic clash of egos, that's what.

We are also products of our environment. According to the above statistic, 52% of all black children under the age of 18 are being reared in single family households. How can we be expected to know how to be in successful relationships that result in marriage if we didn't grow up seeing them? It really just becomes a vicious cycle.

Why else do I think marriage in the black community is on the decline? Black women and our tendency to accept whatever we're offered while we secretly hope to one day get what we actually desire from our partners. 72% of black women who gave birth were unmarried, not because we are oversexed and careless, but because too often we've gotten ourselves in deadend relationships that offer up babies as consolation prizes. Most of us really do want to get married and have nuclear families but when the men we're with ask for our patience while they get themselves together, we sit back and allow the years to pass and everntually get stuck in situations of complacency. That guy may not be giving you what you want but you'd still rather be with him than spend your nights and days alone.

All of the above are viable reasons why marriage may be on the decline for black people, but I can't end this post without acknowledging that marriage and what it means for our society is changing for everyone. No longer are we feeling like we HAVE to get married, have two and a half kids, a dog and the white picket fence to be considered successful at life.

Do YOU believe in marriage? Why or why not?