Status: Unavailable

Wouldn't it be nice if potential mates came with warning labels?? Like... liar, cheater, momma's boy, has horrible credit. I need the males who come into my life to come with warning labels that tell me whether they are unavailable or not. And I'm not just referring to whether they have a girlfriend/wife but whether they are totally open and able to pursue a healthy relationship.

Please see exhibit A for a more detailed explaination of exactly what I mean:

Exhibit A

The closer to the BIG unavailable box, the more serious the foul. If you are "contracturally" unavailable, just plan 'ol leave me alone. This person's unavailibility is obvious; they have a girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband. Say adios to your other half, and then we can have a conversation. I've dealt with this guy one too many times and no matter which may you twist it, a bad taste will be left in your mouth after dealing with this one.

The emotionally unavaliable ones definitely give the most headaches. Half of me wanted to put them before the contracturally unavailable but cheating is just wrong no matter how you look at it. The emotionally unavailable person may say things like "it's not you, it's me" or "I just have to get me together"BUT at the same time try and keep you waiting in the wings until they work themselves out. In my opinion, this person knew they couldn't handle anything more serious then a couple rounds of "getting to know you", let alone a relationship, from the very beginning. The emotionally unavailable should be in solitude somewhere getting themselves together. That may sound harsh, but I've been here too and dealing with this guy is no joke. Talk about getting up to get let down.

And lastly we have the physically unavailable. This person is just a tease. You like them, they like you but they live hours away. Long story short, long distance relationships work for some but how often are they really worth the trouble? I'm not saying I would never do it but I think it would take meeting one outstanding individual for me to do so. I like the idea of being able to call the guy I'm interested in and have him be in my presence in less than 30 minutes.

At the end of the day, dealing with any of these situations can be frustrating, but I guess it's all a part of the fun of dating. Right?

Have any of you all encountered these different situations??

*This chart applies to both men and women

This Quarter Life Thing

Are you dissatisfied with your current profession?

Do you find yourself feeling confused about the direction your life is headed in?

Have you ever felt like maybe you should have stayed in school just a couple more years so you could have more time to figure things out?

Are many of your friends getting engaged, and having babies, while you sit at home twiddling your thumbs wondering if you missed the memo?? (Okay, maybe that's just me)

If the answer to any or all of these questions is a firm "hell yea", you may just be suffering from the quarter life crisis.


From what I have both observed and experienced myself, it seems like this quarter life experience begins a couple months after graduating from college and lasts until the late 20s/30. When we all graduated from college it was like, "finally I'm free!!". You were gainfully employed, moving out on your own and paying all your own bills. Coming and going as you pleased.... living the life of a full blown adult. Then as the months rolled by and being a slave to the 9-5 (or 8-6 like myself) and watching your money get flushed down the toilet everytime you paid bills, you noticed the stress and anxiety begin to build. All of a sudden, life wasn't only about having fun and doing enough just to get by, like it was while you were in school. There were real responsibilities and expectations. Not going to work could equal not getting paid or even losing your job, unlike during college, when not going to class just meant having to get the notes from someone else.

I think the most difficult aspect of the quarter life crisis is adjusting to real life. I always said for as long as I could remember, that I never wanted to grow up. Even as a kid, when all my friends and my own younger brother constantly proclaimed that they couldn't wait until they grew up, I disagreed. Even then I knew that growing up, especially in it's initial stages, sucks. Yes, it's fun at times but it is also a lot of hard work and headaches.

If I polled my friends today, I couldn't rally 5 people together who were content with where they are in life; it seems as if everyone is in search of "the something better". But what if that something better doesn't exist? Is part of being an adult, coming to terms with the fact that you won't always be satisfied with your life but that you have to make the best with what you've got? Honestly, I hope not but we will all see.

Finding love at this point in life is difficult because of the reasons I mentioned above. Everyone is in search of "the something better" and while we are searching for that, we don't make the time to give most people the serious time of day. We're so busy moving and shaking and trying to figure ourselves out that we don't have the patience to nurture and shape a relationship with another 20 something into something viable. Even if we actually like that person! I know we've all heard that you need to have yourself together before you can build with someone else. But what about the idea of building together? Life will never be perfect. He will never be perfect, she will never be perfect, and YOU will never be perfect.

Maybe if we all came to terms with that idea, we could be just a liiiiittle bit more relaxed about this quarter life thing.


What do you think?

7 Guys I Couldn't Date

I was thinking about my expectations and preferences in guys the other day and came up with a list of "7 guys I couldn't date". Some of these are more light-hearted than the others, but all of them can be deal breakers when it comes to dating me.

1. The insecure guy

I honestly cannot spend all of my time trying to get you to feel better about yourself. I know first-hand what it's like to have low self-esteem but if I've already told you how great, and wonderufl I think you are and you still want to be down on yourself all the time; I won't be the one sticking around to keep picking you up.


2. The guy everybody loves

I've been in this situation before and honestly it's just annoying to be dating the guy that everybody knows and loves. I don't consider myself the jealous type but when you can't go anywhere and not have someone(especially women) he knows approach you, it just gets under the skin a little.


3. The liar

I think this is pretty self-explanitory.

4. Mr. Undependable

There's nothing that I hate more than when someone says they will do something or be somewhere and they fall through. I live by the belief that if you don't want to do something, say so from the beginning. Don't tell me "yes" when I ask you to do something for me, just because you think that's what I want to hear.


5. The Smoker

If you want to put your health at risk, by all means be my guest, but don't think I'm going to stick around for it. I'm an asmathic and I think smoking stinks. End of story.


6. Mr. Egostistical

There is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. When that line is crossed, it's definitely annoying. Don't get me wrong, I love a man who's sure of himself and oozes confidence but when it goes overboard, please stay away.


7. Mr. "I Don't Eat the Swine"

This one is more playful than the others, but it's still "important" to me. Everybody who knows me, knows I have a serious love affair with pork and all that can be done with it. If you're constantly telling me I shouldn't be eating pork because of xyz, it's just not going to work out. Let's just say, "if you don't eat the swine, you can't get my time" lol.

Am I being too picky here??? Maybe, but a girl's gotta have standards, right?

**UPDATE** What are some dealbreakers for the rest of you out there??

The Baby Clause

So I was going to write an indepth post about a tooootally different topic, but an experience I had tonight made me change focus.

I went out to happy hour with an ex co-worker of mine and I must say, surprisingly enough the male to female ratio was pretty decent. One of the guys attending struck up a conversation with me and we chatted on and off for most of the evening.

He was older than me, definitely a plus, especially after the conversation with my girlfriends the other night. In our conversation we covered everything from where we worked to where we were from, you know the basics. While talking about home, I mentioned my niece(a.k.a. the love of my life) and that's when he dropped the bomb. He has a child, a pre-teen daughter. Now, I'm not one to judge and my response wasn't a negative one, but I must have had some type of unsatisfactory look on my face because we didn't share too many more words after that.

After leaving the event I really starting thinking about something: if I end up deciding I want to date older men, it is very likely that some of them may have a child or even children. I mean I love my niece, but Lord knows I couldn't be a mother figure to anyone right now. Especially not a pre-teen, everybody knows that kids at that age can be difficult. And I'm not trying to have to restrain myself from laying hands on someone else's child lol.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, or maybe not. Is it shallow to discount someone based on a factor like having a child? Not that that's what I did but it's something to think about...

Is Cheating the New Black??

**These are actual ads that ran on the back page of my morning paper. And yes, this website is very real

I'm sure we all know someone or a few someonessss, who have either cheated or been cheated on. In some instances, we have been the ones doing the cheating. I pass no judgement on that, we all have our faults. What I don't get is those who cheat with absolutely no remorse. I've been seriously approached a couple times by men who were either in a relationship or married.

Here's how the story goes:

About a year ago I was approached by a man on the train who was interested in the book I was reading. I believe it may have actually been Steve Harvey's book, but I digress. It was odd at first to have someone approach me during the morning commute, when most people are either listening to their ipods or trying their damndest just to wake up. He wasn't physically my type, but after going back and forth via e-mail for a while I said hey, why not give this guy a chance. He and I go out to a cutw little restaurant and after a couple drinks we start discussing what I'm looking for. After having just having dealt with a dramatic situation with the last guy I was talking to, the #1 quality I was looking for was honesty.

Well, this and all the grey goose must have given him the courage to admit to me that he was actually married and had been for a mere 8 months. Are you kidding me?? Oh, but it only gets better. After coming clean about his marital status he goes on to explain that we can still have "fun" together. I think at this point I my mouth must have dropped wide open. A few moments earlier you told me you were married, and now you expect me to say yes to the idea of being your side hustle. He even explained that we could not only continue to go out on dates, but also go away on trips! Needless to say when he called me after that date, I didn't pick up or return his call. The worst part of it all is that there are many women who would have taken this success man up on his offer.

While this is just one experience, I have also had several men in supposedly committed relationships continue to pursue me, even though they knew I was fully aware of the fact that they have girlfriends. What is it that causes already involved men to come after me? Do I have a "choose me, I'm a homewrecker" stamp on my forehead that I don't know about??

What is it that causes people to resort to cheating? I've heard it all; from "she doesn't make me happy" to "what if she's not the one for me?" Then break up with her! Do you both a favor and stop being so damn selfish. I can honestly say, especially after my experiences, that I'd rather my boyfriend/man/husband would be honest and just leave me or actually sit and talk to me about what is going on, rather than go outside our union and look for his solutions in someone else.

Discuss.

Friendly Advice

Yesterday I met up with two of my good friends from college. I luv these girls, and haven't seen them in the same place together in a year and a half. Naturally as the evening progressed, our conversation turned to relationships.

All three of us are single; however, they made it very clear to me that they are single by choice not by force. Me... not so much lol. They even went on to tell me that in a mere 2 weeks they can have me boo'd up with a man of my choice if I enroll in their dating bootcamp. I was amused, but curious as well to hear what this hypothetical bootcamp was all about. Both of my friends are quite the Southern Belles, and I kindly reminded them that dating in NYC is totally different from dating in the South. There must be like 10 educated single women to every 1 comparable man in NYC. And unlike many men I've come across up here, men in the South generally have very little reservation about settling down at a relatively young age.

My girlfriends had two key pieces of advice for me from their bootcamp: 1. be willing to date men of different races. 2. date older men. Essentially, broaden my horizons. I never considered myself to be closeminded. I mean my requirements are pretty standard: smart, attractive, ambitious, honest, and funny(you HAVE to be able to make me laugh, no ifs and or buts). I have never set parameters on age or race but I naturally have my preferences. I would honestly rather end up marrying a man who is the same race as I am... that doesn't mean I wouldn't consider dating outside my race though. It would just take a lot for me to do so.

Dating older men is definitely something I have considered. I always felt that I was mature for my age. I like to have fun but I don't have much patience for nonsence. I know what I'm looking for from a guy and find it hard to compromise, especially if I've taken a genuine interest in someone. That alone makes it difficult for me to date guys my age. I find that many men in their mid-20s are focused on achieving career goals and having fun and find it hard or are unwilling to juggle that with the idea of a relationship. Don't get me wrong though, just because a man is older doesn't mean his head is on any straighter. After having gone on dates with two 30-somethings who turned out to be cheaters(those stories are definitely coming down the pipeline), I realized that a man who doesn't want to "behave" isn't going to behave, no matter how old he is.

Whether I will adopt either of these tidbits of advice, I haven't decided yet. The older man idea, doesn't sound half bad though ;o)

What do you all think??

Lovers & Friends

How important is it for men and women to be friends before they take it to the next step?



I spent my lazy Sunday afternoon watching one of my favorite moives; Brown Sugar. For those who may not have seen it, it's the tale of two childhood friends who eventually grew a part, having moved to opposite coasts. By the time they reunite, the main male character, Dre', is planning to get married to his girlfriend of a few months while his best friend Sydney, who is visibly jealous, settles into her new life having moved from LA to NYC. Sydney also falls for a basketball player who she evetually gets engaged to. Long story short, Dre' and Sydney come to learn that they can lean on each other for support, more so than on their significant others, and their friendship turns into romance.

I've heard so many times that you should be friends first before you make the leap to lover. Apparently such relationships are more successful. I truly don't know if that is the case or not, but it kind of makes sense. I would think that the person I want to end up with as my life partner would be my best friend, some one that I'm not just legally bound too but that I would rather be around more than anyone else I know. However, it seems like so many of us jump head first into relationship mode and we forget to really get to know the person we claim to be interested in.

What about those people that we already know? You know, those "just friends" that you have of the opposite sex? Would you date any of them? Like really think about it. I know most of my male friends have come about because they were guys who at one point tried to be more than just my friend but for one reason or another we (or maybe just me), decided we should stay in the friend zone. I've actually had one of my good guy friends tell me that men and women can't simply be friends. After I asked him to elaborate, he went on to explain that guys do not see women as friends... women they associate themselves with are either someone they want or wanted to date/bed or already have. Is this true guys? With the way many guys I know think, this probably is the truth. Honestly why would a guy take the time to get to know a woman if he didn't at least have some sort of attraction to her, even if he just likes the way she looks?

Maybe I have guy friends that if I reeeeally thought about it, I should have given an honest chance. That friend that makes me laugh, keeps it one hundred, is honest, dependable, and ambitious ... 2010 may just be a year for firsts.

Share your thoughts!!