Last Thursday I took the time to watch the Nightline special*, "Why Can't Successful Black Women Find A Man?" I know a lot of women and men were rolling their eyes at the thought of Nightline touching this topic again but I figured it was worth a listen; especially since my man Hill Harper was going to be a part of the panel. The rest of the panel consisted of Sherri Shepherd, Jacque Reid, and Jimi Izreal and was moderated by Steve Harvey and Jinsey Davis.
Even though the special was only 30 minutes, ABC attempted to pack in as much as possible. The panelists covered everything from Jimi Izreal's "Denzel principle"(the thought that Black women are out here looking for the perfect, unattainable man) to female intimidation. One topic or idea they covered that I found particularly interesting is men feeling like women pass over the guy with potential in lieu of the one who has already made it.
I, for one, have never had a problem with trusting in someone's potential. Maybe it's because I'm barely 25, that I don't see an issue with dating a man who hasn't yet made it in his profession and doesn't have his own house and a hot car. One of the last guys I dated, had no job at the time and that never once bothered me. Sure it made me hesitate to ask about going out all the time, but I have no problem staying in for an old fashioned dinner and a movie. But what I do know is that there are plenty of women who may have heard "I'm not currently working" and any warm and fuzzy feelings they were having instantly would have shut down. As women we are drawn to men who we think can provide for us and our potential families, it's honestly our nature to be that way. But what if by concentrating on a man's status and material gains we overlook someone who could potentially bring something positive to our lives?
I've always said my only "success" based criteria was that the man I'm interested in have a college degree or have his own business. I don't think either of those are unreasonable. What I've encountered though is that you men out there have more of an issue with getting involved with a woman when you all haven't "made it". It's somewhat understandable. I get that as men you want to feel like you have something worthwhile to bring to the table before you settle down, but what about being able to build together?
As I've gotten older, I've realized that I have some old school thoughts when it comes to love and relationships. And as a part of this mindset, I think it would be desirable to have someone by your side while you're on the way up. Who wouldnt want somebody to lean on when the times get tough? I also think it helps you to know that the person you're with is really there for you and not just for what you can do for and give them.
Am I wrong here? Am I right? I know you all are out there reading, so tell me something! :o)
*You can watch the Nightline special here: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/successful-black-woman-find-man/story?id=10355642
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
I'm Having A Baby
Apparently I missed the memo on joining the epidemic that's ocurring these days. You know the one where everybody and anybody is having a baby. I know there had to have been a flyer, e-mail, fax, PSA, tweet or something about it; because I swear if I hear one more person tells me that they are "having a baby" I may just scream.
Over the past year and a half, I have had more than 10 people that I personally know, make this proclamation. At the age of 24, I'm just not ready for this! I'm sitting here thinking about all the fun and reckless debauchery I plan on getting into this summer and I'm surrounded by people who are busy having babies.
Don't get me wrong, we are all adults, and if you can take care of a child, by all means do what you do. But the numbers are really throwing me for a loop. There's just like a major influx of babymaking going on these days.
What does bother me though about all this is that the number of people I know who have proclaimed "I'm getting married" pales in comparison. So am I to think that it's easier to decide to bring a child into the world than to decide to commit yourself to one person and make it official? Not passing judgement here, but posing a question. I know some of you all are probably saying, it only takes one act to have a baby and "accidents happen"but what I'm really beginning to wonder, is if accidents really do happen?? With the types of odds I've been seeing, it makes me hesistate to partake in any activity(in this case sex), that has those kinds of odds. Think about it, if you had 10 people tell you they got into car accidents in a short span of time, wouldnt you be scared to drive?
In this age of condoms, foams, pills, and patches it bothers me a bit to think that accidents are occuring so often. If your initial mode of protection fails, you've even got a 72 hour window now to actively do something about it. My only thought these days is that women who wind up pregnant, do so because they want to be pregnant. Which isn't always a problem, but when you're a single woman, why would you honestly wanna do that? According to recent statistics, almost 70% of black children are born out of wedlock, compared to 30% of white children and 35% of hispanic children.* And at the same time 85% of Americans feel that the number of children born to single parents in a "serious issue".*
Crazy right? What is it that has us as a community perpetuating this cycle of having babies out of wedlock? For whatever reason, do we just not see it as a big deal that so many of our children end up being reared in single parent(often single mother) households?
Somebody share your thoughts with me please.
*Stats taken from "Father Facts" (2002)
Over the past year and a half, I have had more than 10 people that I personally know, make this proclamation. At the age of 24, I'm just not ready for this! I'm sitting here thinking about all the fun and reckless debauchery I plan on getting into this summer and I'm surrounded by people who are busy having babies.
Don't get me wrong, we are all adults, and if you can take care of a child, by all means do what you do. But the numbers are really throwing me for a loop. There's just like a major influx of babymaking going on these days.
What does bother me though about all this is that the number of people I know who have proclaimed "I'm getting married" pales in comparison. So am I to think that it's easier to decide to bring a child into the world than to decide to commit yourself to one person and make it official? Not passing judgement here, but posing a question. I know some of you all are probably saying, it only takes one act to have a baby and "accidents happen"but what I'm really beginning to wonder, is if accidents really do happen?? With the types of odds I've been seeing, it makes me hesistate to partake in any activity(in this case sex), that has those kinds of odds. Think about it, if you had 10 people tell you they got into car accidents in a short span of time, wouldnt you be scared to drive?
In this age of condoms, foams, pills, and patches it bothers me a bit to think that accidents are occuring so often. If your initial mode of protection fails, you've even got a 72 hour window now to actively do something about it. My only thought these days is that women who wind up pregnant, do so because they want to be pregnant. Which isn't always a problem, but when you're a single woman, why would you honestly wanna do that? According to recent statistics, almost 70% of black children are born out of wedlock, compared to 30% of white children and 35% of hispanic children.* And at the same time 85% of Americans feel that the number of children born to single parents in a "serious issue".*
Crazy right? What is it that has us as a community perpetuating this cycle of having babies out of wedlock? For whatever reason, do we just not see it as a big deal that so many of our children end up being reared in single parent(often single mother) households?
Somebody share your thoughts with me please.
*Stats taken from "Father Facts" (2002)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Ring Envy
After 2 long weeks, I finally fixed my computer! Do you know how impossible it is to attempt to blog from your phone?? Yeah...
If you don't know me that well, you may not know that I work in an industry that's around 75% female. So basically at any point in the office there is going to be more than one person on the floor who just got married, is engaged, just had a baby, or just found out they were going to have a baby. Honestly it can get a tad bit ridiculous, but I digress.
At the beginning of this week, one of my friends who also happens to be a co-worker, shared the exciting news that she had gotten engaged over the weekend. I for one, was extremely happy for her. I've known her for the majority of the time I've been working for my company and over the past couple years we've had more conversations than a little bit about the ups and downs of men and relationships.
She and her now fiance' met in an unconventional way and after a mere year of dating, he made the decision to put a ring on it. And not just any ring, but exactly the ring she wanted, one she spotted in a magazine a couple months ago. I'm no ring snob, but when you see this diamond, the quality definitely will make you stop and stare for a minute. However, the physical beauty of this ring has nothing to do with the "ring envy" I'm mentioning here. The type of envy I'm referring to comes simply from the act of getting a ring period. Big ring, small ring, three stone, or solitaire; I've noticed that just the sight of any engagement ring brings about a certain change in behavior amongst the single female population.
When a woman gets engaged, everyone congratulates her. There's often shrieking and hugs, and sometimes even tears. But you better believe some of those same women who are so excited(particularly the single ones), are giving their 'congrats' through gritted teeth. It's kind of like when you're in a competition and you lose, you may congratulate the winner but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting to know that it wasn't you who won. So, while she may be happy for her friend, the sight of that ring totally makes her realize just how single she actually still is.
And if the congratulator has a boyfriend who has yet to commit, forget about it. That boyfriend will definitely be getting put through the wringer the next time they speak; I feel sorry for the poor guy just thinking about it. It doesn't matter if they've been together 4 months or 4 years; all of a sudden there will be a need to talk about commitment and where the future of the relationship is headed. Men take this as a warning, if your girl comes home and all of a sudden wants to "talk" about such topics, ask her if somebody she knows just got engaged/married. She may be surprised by how seemingly intuitive you appear to be.
It's almost as if finding out a co-worker or friend is newly engaged sends single women into a mental frenzy. While we may not all openly discuss it, it definitely happens. It's almost like everytime someone else gets engaged, the ticking gets even louder on our biological clock.
*Tick-Tock*
If you don't know me that well, you may not know that I work in an industry that's around 75% female. So basically at any point in the office there is going to be more than one person on the floor who just got married, is engaged, just had a baby, or just found out they were going to have a baby. Honestly it can get a tad bit ridiculous, but I digress.
At the beginning of this week, one of my friends who also happens to be a co-worker, shared the exciting news that she had gotten engaged over the weekend. I for one, was extremely happy for her. I've known her for the majority of the time I've been working for my company and over the past couple years we've had more conversations than a little bit about the ups and downs of men and relationships.
She and her now fiance' met in an unconventional way and after a mere year of dating, he made the decision to put a ring on it. And not just any ring, but exactly the ring she wanted, one she spotted in a magazine a couple months ago. I'm no ring snob, but when you see this diamond, the quality definitely will make you stop and stare for a minute. However, the physical beauty of this ring has nothing to do with the "ring envy" I'm mentioning here. The type of envy I'm referring to comes simply from the act of getting a ring period. Big ring, small ring, three stone, or solitaire; I've noticed that just the sight of any engagement ring brings about a certain change in behavior amongst the single female population.
When a woman gets engaged, everyone congratulates her. There's often shrieking and hugs, and sometimes even tears. But you better believe some of those same women who are so excited(particularly the single ones), are giving their 'congrats' through gritted teeth. It's kind of like when you're in a competition and you lose, you may congratulate the winner but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting to know that it wasn't you who won. So, while she may be happy for her friend, the sight of that ring totally makes her realize just how single she actually still is.
And if the congratulator has a boyfriend who has yet to commit, forget about it. That boyfriend will definitely be getting put through the wringer the next time they speak; I feel sorry for the poor guy just thinking about it. It doesn't matter if they've been together 4 months or 4 years; all of a sudden there will be a need to talk about commitment and where the future of the relationship is headed. Men take this as a warning, if your girl comes home and all of a sudden wants to "talk" about such topics, ask her if somebody she knows just got engaged/married. She may be surprised by how seemingly intuitive you appear to be.
It's almost as if finding out a co-worker or friend is newly engaged sends single women into a mental frenzy. While we may not all openly discuss it, it definitely happens. It's almost like everytime someone else gets engaged, the ticking gets even louder on our biological clock.
*Tick-Tock*
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Lions, Tigers, and Bears
"I'm not scared of lions and tigers and bears; but I'm scared of loving you"
"Lions, Tigers, and Bear" - Jazmyn Sullivan
I have a lot of conversations these days with my friends about relationships. Whether we like to admit it or not, I think it's something on a lot of our minds. This whole quarter life thing apparently has us contemplating our relationship statuses and where we go from here. The convos I've been having range from "why does he/she get on my nerves?" and "why won't they commit?", to "I really think I like him/her". But with all the talking that I've been doing I've started to notice a common thread in why many of us are having a hard time committing and being committed to. The reason: fear.
I'm really beginning to feel like many of us, women and especially men are allowing fear of the unknown to get in the way of pursuing relationships. It's natural to fear the unknown because well, we don't know what to expect from it. I mean who's to say that that woman you're interested in won't break your heart once you make it official? But isn't that part of the game? Being willing to take that risk.
Men spend a lot of time lamenting over women who pass judgement on men based on their prior experiences with them, but I think men are guilty of doing the same thing! I can recall a few times where I've heard guys make generalizations about women, ie. "women are crazy/overbearing/ruthless", all purely based on THEIR experience. When you let things like this get in the way of pursuing someone new, you're just as bad as the woman who has labeled all men as "selfish dogs" just because her last boyfriend did her wrong. Believe me, I'm not saying anything is wrong with being afraid, if you will, but I really wish more guys were willing to admit to it and talk about it.
I honestly can't say that I feel like I'm scared, afraid, or have a fear of falling for someone. Maybe my lack of experience in the realm of love makes me naive; like a little kid who doesn't fear because experience has yet to teach them to.
"Lions, Tigers, and Bear" - Jazmyn Sullivan
I have a lot of conversations these days with my friends about relationships. Whether we like to admit it or not, I think it's something on a lot of our minds. This whole quarter life thing apparently has us contemplating our relationship statuses and where we go from here. The convos I've been having range from "why does he/she get on my nerves?" and "why won't they commit?", to "I really think I like him/her". But with all the talking that I've been doing I've started to notice a common thread in why many of us are having a hard time committing and being committed to. The reason: fear.
I'm really beginning to feel like many of us, women and especially men are allowing fear of the unknown to get in the way of pursuing relationships. It's natural to fear the unknown because well, we don't know what to expect from it. I mean who's to say that that woman you're interested in won't break your heart once you make it official? But isn't that part of the game? Being willing to take that risk.
Men spend a lot of time lamenting over women who pass judgement on men based on their prior experiences with them, but I think men are guilty of doing the same thing! I can recall a few times where I've heard guys make generalizations about women, ie. "women are crazy/overbearing/ruthless", all purely based on THEIR experience. When you let things like this get in the way of pursuing someone new, you're just as bad as the woman who has labeled all men as "selfish dogs" just because her last boyfriend did her wrong. Believe me, I'm not saying anything is wrong with being afraid, if you will, but I really wish more guys were willing to admit to it and talk about it.
I honestly can't say that I feel like I'm scared, afraid, or have a fear of falling for someone. Maybe my lack of experience in the realm of love makes me naive; like a little kid who doesn't fear because experience has yet to teach them to.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Appearance Matters
I have 5 tattoos.
For those of you who know me personally, did you know that? Have you ever seen even 3 out of the 5? Trust that I'm going somewhere with this.
Over the weekend I had dinner with a male friend. While conversing we discussed the types of people we could see ourslves being with. By type I'm referring to white collar, blue collar, boughie, "hood", straightlaced, a mix etc etc. During the conversation, my friend alluded to the fact that my appearance, the tattoos and my newly dyed hair, may keep me from being able to attract the white collar, college educated, ambitious type of guy. He falls into that catagory and we've been friend for years, so when he further went on to admit that he would hesistate to take me to a company event, all based on my appearance, I was nothing short of astonished and well, hurt.
The look on my face was one of instant and utter confusion. Yes I have tattoos, only two of which are visible at all times, and all of them are small. My hair is cut Halle Berry short and currently a coppery auburn. I personally never gave either of these two attributes of my appearance much thought at all. That was until a couple weeks ago when one of my co-workers, a black male, said my hair was very "urban". And now that I think about it, I have had guys tell me I needed to pump the breaks on my tattooing. Had I slowly and subconsciously been turning myself into someone I'm not? And was that someone keeping me from finding a guy I felt might be compatible with me?
I'm college educated and gainfully employeed. The fact that men may be judging me strictly based off of my appearance totally throws me for a loop. I can't lie, I think we've all been guilty of judging someone solely based off of what we see; however, I never thought that person being unfairly judged would be me.
For those of you who know me personally, did you know that? Have you ever seen even 3 out of the 5? Trust that I'm going somewhere with this.
Over the weekend I had dinner with a male friend. While conversing we discussed the types of people we could see ourslves being with. By type I'm referring to white collar, blue collar, boughie, "hood", straightlaced, a mix etc etc. During the conversation, my friend alluded to the fact that my appearance, the tattoos and my newly dyed hair, may keep me from being able to attract the white collar, college educated, ambitious type of guy. He falls into that catagory and we've been friend for years, so when he further went on to admit that he would hesistate to take me to a company event, all based on my appearance, I was nothing short of astonished and well, hurt.
The look on my face was one of instant and utter confusion. Yes I have tattoos, only two of which are visible at all times, and all of them are small. My hair is cut Halle Berry short and currently a coppery auburn. I personally never gave either of these two attributes of my appearance much thought at all. That was until a couple weeks ago when one of my co-workers, a black male, said my hair was very "urban". And now that I think about it, I have had guys tell me I needed to pump the breaks on my tattooing. Had I slowly and subconsciously been turning myself into someone I'm not? And was that someone keeping me from finding a guy I felt might be compatible with me?
I'm college educated and gainfully employeed. The fact that men may be judging me strictly based off of my appearance totally throws me for a loop. I can't lie, I think we've all been guilty of judging someone solely based off of what we see; however, I never thought that person being unfairly judged would be me.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Location, Location, Location
So I'm back like I never left :o)
As I grow up and travel on this road deeper into adulthood, I ask myself a lot of questions about my life. One of them of course being, "Why am I terribly single?". I have really given this a lot of thought. I mean, I'm attractive, smart, funny, caring, ambitious, whitty... I definitely think I have the basics on lock (don't mean to toot my own horn, but *toot, toot*). Finding it hard to answer the question for myself, I've asked some of my good guy friends why they think I'm single. And every one that I asked, who lives here has said, "because you live in New York".
Do you know how tired I am of hearing, you're only single because you live in New York. You better believe I give that comment serious side-eye action everytime I hear it, but is there some truth to it? When I think about women that I went to college and high school with, I am quite the anamoly. Many of those women are in committed relationships, are engaged/married or have a kid or two. And you know what? None of them live here. My girlfriends here, on the other hand, for the most part are single... just like me. I can't think of one female friend that I have who lives in NYC, that's in a committed relationship. I live with 3 other women, and still not a one in a relationship. And believe me, the majority of these women are not single because they are choosing to be but because that's the status that has been chosen for them. Having grown up in DC with parents whose Southern roots run deep, and attending college in Atlanta; the idea of being single at 30, 35 is not something I have envisioned for myself.
Those of you who know me, know that I've been living in NYC for the past 2 1/2 years. I love this city, and have done so since I was a little girl. There's something about the life that pulsates within this concrete jungle that draws me in like a moth to a light. However, since moving here right after college, my relationship with the city has grown to be quite a love/hate affair.
Living here is really like being in a bubble. When people mention venturing away from the city, aside from taking vacations, many people give a "why would you do that?" face. How many different cities do you know of where you have so much culture & entertainment in one place? But aside from NYC being a bubble of sorts, I've also noticed how distinct the New York frame of mind is. For the most part I would say that the men and women who are drawn to this city are dreamers. For those of us who make it past the first year, we know how hard it is to live here. But despite how difficult and frustrating it can be to live here; people stay, in hopes of making it big.
That pursuit of success, whether it's in the field of banking, entertainment, fashion or otherwise; gives people a focus and drive that I've never seen anywhere else in such large numbers. And because everyone who lives here knows that we're all here for a bigger purpose, I think we get stuck in a timewarp type of situation. We, ESPECIALLY THE MEN, don't have time for relationships and "nonsense" like that; at this moment, while we're still in our 20s, NOW is not the time. For relationships and children, there's always tomorrow, today is about making it.
Hence, why my new nickname for this city has become Never Never Land. We hold down jobs and pay bills but that's about as "adult" as it gets. It's not uncommon to encounter a 30+ yo with no spouse, children, or property to call their own. People here date like they're still in college and you know what, it's all good because that's what everyone else is doing. Unfortunately, for a Southern girl at heart like me, that's not enough.
Am I reaching here? Or is the big apple really a big playground for adults who have little time & patience for anything other than attaining success? Maybe I'm just seeing the grass as being greener outside of this bubble I call home.
As I grow up and travel on this road deeper into adulthood, I ask myself a lot of questions about my life. One of them of course being, "Why am I terribly single?". I have really given this a lot of thought. I mean, I'm attractive, smart, funny, caring, ambitious, whitty... I definitely think I have the basics on lock (don't mean to toot my own horn, but *toot, toot*). Finding it hard to answer the question for myself, I've asked some of my good guy friends why they think I'm single. And every one that I asked, who lives here has said, "because you live in New York".
Do you know how tired I am of hearing, you're only single because you live in New York. You better believe I give that comment serious side-eye action everytime I hear it, but is there some truth to it? When I think about women that I went to college and high school with, I am quite the anamoly. Many of those women are in committed relationships, are engaged/married or have a kid or two. And you know what? None of them live here. My girlfriends here, on the other hand, for the most part are single... just like me. I can't think of one female friend that I have who lives in NYC, that's in a committed relationship. I live with 3 other women, and still not a one in a relationship. And believe me, the majority of these women are not single because they are choosing to be but because that's the status that has been chosen for them. Having grown up in DC with parents whose Southern roots run deep, and attending college in Atlanta; the idea of being single at 30, 35 is not something I have envisioned for myself.
Those of you who know me, know that I've been living in NYC for the past 2 1/2 years. I love this city, and have done so since I was a little girl. There's something about the life that pulsates within this concrete jungle that draws me in like a moth to a light. However, since moving here right after college, my relationship with the city has grown to be quite a love/hate affair.
Living here is really like being in a bubble. When people mention venturing away from the city, aside from taking vacations, many people give a "why would you do that?" face. How many different cities do you know of where you have so much culture & entertainment in one place? But aside from NYC being a bubble of sorts, I've also noticed how distinct the New York frame of mind is. For the most part I would say that the men and women who are drawn to this city are dreamers. For those of us who make it past the first year, we know how hard it is to live here. But despite how difficult and frustrating it can be to live here; people stay, in hopes of making it big.
That pursuit of success, whether it's in the field of banking, entertainment, fashion or otherwise; gives people a focus and drive that I've never seen anywhere else in such large numbers. And because everyone who lives here knows that we're all here for a bigger purpose, I think we get stuck in a timewarp type of situation. We, ESPECIALLY THE MEN, don't have time for relationships and "nonsense" like that; at this moment, while we're still in our 20s, NOW is not the time. For relationships and children, there's always tomorrow, today is about making it.
Hence, why my new nickname for this city has become Never Never Land. We hold down jobs and pay bills but that's about as "adult" as it gets. It's not uncommon to encounter a 30+ yo with no spouse, children, or property to call their own. People here date like they're still in college and you know what, it's all good because that's what everyone else is doing. Unfortunately, for a Southern girl at heart like me, that's not enough.
Am I reaching here? Or is the big apple really a big playground for adults who have little time & patience for anything other than attaining success? Maybe I'm just seeing the grass as being greener outside of this bubble I call home.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Want to Feel...
The good
The bad
& the ugly
I want to know what it's like to care so much and love so hard it hurts. I want the kisses, the fights, the pain. I want to be near the brink of breaking up and make up all over again.
I want it all.
It's been years since I've been in a relationship, and that one was short-lived; I'm getting to the point in my life where I feel like I've really missed out on something by being so single. And it doesn't help that I'm not a serial dater. I'd much rather get to know someone and form a unique, lasting bond with them than waste energy by collecting pieces of men here and there without ever completing the puzzle.
I want to find that person I can uniquely bond with. That person I can get so mad at that I want to scream at them one moment but then be held by them the next. I want to create new memories and lay the foundation for a future.
I want to feel the endless possibility.
The bad
& the ugly
I want to know what it's like to care so much and love so hard it hurts. I want the kisses, the fights, the pain. I want to be near the brink of breaking up and make up all over again.
I want it all.
It's been years since I've been in a relationship, and that one was short-lived; I'm getting to the point in my life where I feel like I've really missed out on something by being so single. And it doesn't help that I'm not a serial dater. I'd much rather get to know someone and form a unique, lasting bond with them than waste energy by collecting pieces of men here and there without ever completing the puzzle.
I want to find that person I can uniquely bond with. That person I can get so mad at that I want to scream at them one moment but then be held by them the next. I want to create new memories and lay the foundation for a future.
I want to feel the endless possibility.
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