Daddy Issues

I know what you're thinking, "Ohhh here we go. The same 'ol discussion on why chics with no father figures in their lives end up looking for love in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways."

Sorry to disappoint, but that's not what I'm about to talk about at all. How about we discuss men and THEIR daddy issues for once? 

The overwhelming lack of positive male presence in the Black community is one of the biggest issues effecting our current collective state. Men are just as effected by the absence of a male presence in the home as women are. But let me not just make it seem like fathers not being around is the only issue, because many of the guys I know with daddy issues know their dads; and they also know that their dads were no good.

They grew up watching their fathers cheat on their mothers, fall victim to addictive behaviors and emotionally neglect their families. If this is what a boy grows up being surrounded by, what kind of man does he grow up to be? As important as we all know it is for women to have positive "father"* relationships in their lives in order to show them what type of man they should marry, it's just as important for men to have those relationships so they can know what type of man they should strive to be.

I've heard a lot of chatter lately, on twitter and even in Jay-Z's most recent GQ article about the"scars" left behind when a father is absent in the home. I always say that when you grow up around negative behavior, you either fall victim to it yourself or you fight to do and be the complete opposite. That's essentially the sentiment Jay expresses in the GQ article. His excitement over not only becoming a father but also having the opportunity to be the type of father to his child that he never had himself is definitely apparent. And while there are men out there who do exactly as Jay strives to and be the opposite of what they saw growing up, I've witnessed far too many young men who follow in their negligent father's footsteps and use their past as an excuse for their misbehavior. I remember having a conversation with a guy friend once about infidelity and he admitted that he cheated because that's what he had seen from his father and from the other men in his life.

Is that an excuse? Yes. But it's also a reason. How can we truly expect for boys in these types of situations to all grow up and automatically know how to do the right thing once they reach manhood, if that's something they've never been privy to?

The biggest issue I see here is that in our community, and hell, in America period, men aren't "allowed" to freely express the pain and emotion caused by growing up without positive male role models in the home. As I stated in the beginning of this post, everyone talks ad nauseum about the ways in which women are affected in these situations but rarely the way men are. In order for us all to heal and begin making things "right" we have got to start talking about this. Male emotion is not something most of us are used to discussing or are even really comfortable doing so. Nobody's saying men need to go all Emo on us and tap into their inner Drake or anything *cue tracks 1-17 of Take Care* but this discussion is definitely long overdue.

So why don't we turn the tables, men, who hurt you?

Tis the Season To Be... Cuffing

With the first snowfall of the season behind us, I felt like a post on cuffing was long overdue. The days have gotten shorter, a full on chill is in the air and I can see my breath when I walk outside in the morning; cuffing season is in full swing. But before you jump right on in there head first, here are a couple rules my bestie and I came up with.

Cuffing 101

Tip #1: Be sure to clearly communicate the parameters of your cuffing situation. Kickin it? Cuddling only? Dates that take place outside, in the sunlight? Sex? 

Tip #2:  Cuffin should not automatically be confused as a booty call. However, a 3am call is a 3am call. Ain’t no talking or cuddling bout to be had at 3am!!

Tip #3: With that said, if things do turn physical, stay protected . You need sunblock in the summer, right? 

Tip #4:  Cuffing does not automatically equal waking up together and to one person making the other "cheese omelettes". Love Jones. Never assume that the cuffin session is an overnight visit.  And don't be surprised if he/she dips out in the middle of the night.  If discussed, be ready to leave in the morning with no breakfast (Refer to Tip #1).

Tip #5:  Each cuffer is allowed one or two backup partners, but the original partner should be reached out to first to see if available. 

Tip #6:  Inter-seasonal cuffing partner changes are not allowed! Partner(s) should be decided upon prior to November 1st. 

Tip #7:  Keep cuffing sessions off of social media! The last thing one of your cuffing partners needs to hear is that you're cuffing and it's not with them. Respect is key in all interpersonal relationships or else... #dressedinallblackliketheomen 

Tip #8:  Do not be surprised if your "purely cuffing" partner gets mum during the holidays. Also, just in case they don't go M.I.A. during the holidays; don't automatically assume that means you're getting a gift for Christmas or an invite to the family dinner. Both of those assumptions are a great way to find up looking like an ass.

Tip #9:  Should you decide to be snowed in with your partner, it may turn out like that Fresh Prince episode with Will smith and Tisha Campbell. So always be prepared for the worst.

 Tip #10:  Should you decide to become an item with your partner, note that your relationship may turn rocky at the first sign of spring.

*Play close attention to Punxsutawney Phil because if that lil n*gga sees his shadow, it's curtains for cuffing season. 

Did we miss anything??
Happy Cuffing!

That Combustible Love

What y'all know about that combustible love? I'm talking explosive passion, tears, ridiculous fun, calls or few to the police, somebody getting chocked, endless intimacy... that "I hate that I love you" type of love. Super unhealthy but so difficult to walk away from. That person is everything you think you want while being everything you don't need at the same time.

That is exactly what I thought of when I watched Rihanna's newest video for "We Found Love". It really through me off guard because it wasn't at all what I was expecting.



Ever been there?

A Million Little Pieces

2011 has truly been the year of introspection and self analysis for me. I've always been one who thought way too much and too hard about the things that happen in my life, but this year took it to a whole other level.

"Who am I?" "Where am I going?" "Why am I here?" "But, why did that happen" "Why can't this person be in my life". Why, why why... why why. Just too much. During a recent session of self-loathing, a lightbulb went off. Instead of looking at the past year and wallowing in self pity about why it might be that I'm not where I feel I should be, I've decided to assess how I got to be who I am and where I am. For example, let's take the ever-present question: "Why am I single?". Answer: I'm single because I'm seriously not ready to bring a man into my life, as is. As much as I want a warm body to lay next to, subconsciously, I know that I need work. As I said the other day on twitter(DyannaLynn if you don't already follow me), I don't have to be 100% complete to be in a relationship but I can't be in a million little pieces either. And right now, that's exactly where I am. Shattered on the ground, in jagged fragments. And I've decided that that's okay because I can never figure out what's going on with me as a whole if I don't address every piece of me.

My recent dating history is...interesting. It makes for some great laughs and brunch conversation but at the end of the day none of my suitors, although some have gotten close, have made it for the long haul. And as much as I want to blame them for each and every mis-step, I can't.

I hate sharing emotion (you can't tell from this blog, right?), I feel it leaves me too vulnerable. And while that may work in helping to protect myself from getting hurt, it also keeps me from being open to receiving love. I can't remember the last time I told a man that I liked him unless it was a part of an attempt to not get him to walk away. And that isn't because I didn't like any of the guys I dated, I did. I just didn't want to be the one to say it first and run the risk of not hearing it back. And for these same reasons, I'm not affectionate either. The last time I curled up under a man and whispered in his ear? Who knows. Anything and everything that could show a man that I was interested in him, I wasn't interested in doing because I just knew I would wind up looking stupid. I wasn't thinking about the fact that men need to feel wanted & needed. By not being open to sharing my emotion and passion with men, I actually had feelings for, I'm pretty sure I cold-shouldered my way down a continued path of singletude. Leaving the door wide open for women who were willing to say and do what I didn't know how to allow myself to.

Now that I've begun to address this piece of me, will I be able to change the way I operate going forward? The honest truth is that I don't know. I can only hope that these million little pieces somehow, someway, some time soon come together and leave me with a fuller self that is more focused, confident and willing to take a chance. Only time will tell
.

Infidelity

"A man who will cheat with you, will cheat on you" - Some wise old sage

I don't know if that statement is true or not, but I believe it's befitting for this post. Have I ever told you all the story of my date with the married man? I feel like I did but I don't have the patience this AM to go search for it.

Many, many years ago when I first moved to NYC, I was riding the 1 train from Harlem to work and a man got my attention by commenting on the book I was reading: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Nobody strikes up conversations with strangers during the morning commute on the NYC subway, so I was intrigued to say the least. He wasn't physically my type but I said, what the hey and we exchanged info.

After a couple weeks of plotting to get together, he invited me out for drinks. A couple drinks later, some laughs and good conversation and we get down to the nitty gritty of it all. We begin discussing relationships and he asks me what it is that I'm looking for in a man. A big sigh and a few seconds later, I respond with "honesty". And in true, straight from a movie fashion, he responds, "well since we're being honest I need to tell you something". Naturally my eye brow is raised at this point and I'm checking for my exits(just in case a quick escape is needed) because what in the world could you be feeling the need to be honest with me about already??

"I'm married."

I do believe my jaw hit the bar at that point and my eyes got wide as I processed my date's moment of truth. "Did he just say he was marrried? Why are we on this date then? What? Just... why!?".

He proceeds to explain how he's been married for all of four years to an older woman and as his words get drowned out by white noise, the only question I can muster up is, "where's your wedding band?". "I threw it in a fight and it got lost. That was actually my second one". What kind of man gets mad at his wife in a fight and throws his wedding band? Is what I wanted to ask but kept my lips sealed as my date, now the married man, went on the explain how we could still go out together and he could take me on weekend trips. We could have "fun"... o_0 Maybe in some alternate, parallel universe this would have sounded like a good idea, but definitely not in my reality.

Aggressively feeling sick to my stomach, the date ended abruptly with him continuing to talk about us getting together for future engagements. Future... why? I walk home feeling confused, disgusted and discouraged. And also feeling bad for this man's wife. After a mere 4 years of marriage your man is out tipping around with single women. Buying them drinks and chatting them up in a way that only a man with no formal attachments should. Your husband is a cheater with no shame or remorse. But, why?

Fast forward to last week. I'm chatting with a girlfriend about a date she just went on earlier that evening. "Which do you want to hear first? The okay, the bad or the worst?", she asks. Oh Lord here we go. After lamenting about her date discussing his previous dates/situations with other women with her and his decision to go dutch on a $40 bill, she gets to the kicker... the worst. All night she had noticed a ring on his finger, he too must have noticed that she did because half way through the date he fidgets around for a bit under the table and his hand reappears ringless. This man, her date, is married. In later conversation he admits to being married but wanting to continue to get together with her in the future.

What part of the game is this?? Obviously too many woman have been willing to overlook a man's married status just to have someone to show them attention and now these selfish a-holes are under the impression that dating outside of a marriage is cool. I want a husband someday, but not someone else's. At what point did we start taking marriage so lightly? Do only men do this? Not cheat, obviously, do married women go out on dates with single men? I can't say that I've ever heard one of my guy friends talk about taking a married chic out on a date.

Thoughts people?

Why Heauxs Be Winning: A Satire

Remember when heauxs were unpopular?? Me too! *Roll that track back dj*



The Spelman woman in me says that I shouldn't even be using the term "heaux" or "ho". But when did that ever stop me from doing anything? Should I call them "women who prefer a more promiscuous lifestyle" though? Hmmmm, #details. Anyway, no matter what term we use, this post is addressing what seems to be the motto of 2011, "Heauxs be winning".

Every time I turn around I'm either reading or hearing, "2011 is the year of the heaux" or like I stated before, "heauxs be winning". But my question is, why? What makes a man decide to lock it down with a woman who is known to get around? It seems like many a self-prescribed "good girl" have been quoted as pondering this very notion. I decided, why not find the answer.

One reason and what I think is the biggest reason heauxs win, aside from the fact that society has no shame anymore, is because heauxs love hard and unapologetically so. Much unlike "good girls", who are often afraid to trip fall and land flat on their face in love due to past experiences/let downs. We want love to be perfect or else we know how painful it can be, so we often hold back pieces of ourselves from the guy we like as a way to protect ourselves. If there's one thing we know for sure about heauxs, it's that they don't hold back a damn thing, I mean isn't that what makes them a heaux in the first place? I believe that the same theory they apply to sex, they use for dealing with men in general.

Heauxs are natural risk takers... use that how you want... and in love you have to take risks. They don't fear the possibility that the guy they're pursuing may just drop them on their ass. And if he does, what do they have to lose? Heauxs are fearless, remember that.

Secondly, men are sexual beings. Point. Blank. Period. So, he might not put a ring on the heaux's finger (he actually probably will) but amazing sex and stellar bedroom tricks can totally leave a man stupified. Before you know it, he's wanting to spend time with her actually with their clothes on and even claim her in public. Of course the good girl who's been watching this all go down doesn't know what happened, and honestly, neither does he.

Thirdly, maybe heauxs are really super heros and we all know super heros win everytime. Or maybe they're mystical creatures, like fairies and they cast love spells through their chochas... Anywhoo, no more blogging with moscato.

But my last point is, why shouldn't heauxs win? No seriously. They're people too. I know some really nice and considerate heauxs, I'm sure you all do too. Is it that a woman's sexual history should keep her from reaching her happy place? I can't necessarily agree with that. And we all know, it never stopped a man from doing so.


But then again maybe this is all Timbaland and Nelly Furtado's fault. I mean, who didn't like this song??

Feminism Pt. 2: Sexuality

Female sexuality is such a wierd topic for me. Particularly as it pertains to black woman and our sexuality.

Historically(I'm saying let's go back to slavery), black women have been looked at as nothing more than a sum of our parts. Breasts, hips & asses. We've been ogled at and been made spectacles of, all due to the curvaciousness of our form.

Exhibit A: Hottentot Venus, Sarah Baartman*


Our sex has been used as a commodity, both against our will and with it. These bodies have made many a man person rich. And it seems like once we came to the conclusion that we could get rich off our own bodies, it all went downhill from there. We fooled ourselves into thinking that we were taking control of our bodies & sexuality by becoming the ones to own our exploitation. We got up on poles, undressed ourselves in music videos and pussy popped, not necessarily on handstands, for crowds to see, all at our own command. But I have to wonder, what exactly have we gained from all of this?

Not much if you ask me. I guess it sounds powerful to some women to be able to "own" their sexuality by putting it on display; by being able to sex just as freely as they love. But I've always seen this as a double edged sword. Women should no doubt be able to own their own sexuality, but why does owning ones sexuality usually end up translating to being able to sex the world with no judgement. Can women also own their sexuality by withholding it?

This is something I've pondered over the past year or so: can a woman feel just as powerful in her sexuality by choosing not to have sex? My curiosity on this topic challenged me to try it out for myself. Yes, celibacy.



All jokes aside...
One of my New Year's resolutions was to remain celibate AT LEAST until I landed in a committed relationship. I spent enough time learning the hard way that "free" sex was just not for me. It can be liberating I guess, but at the end of the day it was leading to way too much emotion for me. And emotion just winds up being extremely awkward when it pops up in situations where it was never invited in the first place. I've come to learn that actively choosing not to have sex has given me more power in my sexuality than ever before.

I didn't really think about the powerlessness I felt until I had a conversation with a friend. They asked me what I missed most about having sex and my response was "intimacy". But after pondering my response, I realized how lacking in intimacy my experiences had actually been. I had been cheating myself by continuing to be in situations that were full of action but very little feeling. And while I couldn't tell in the moment, I now saw how much power over myself and my body I actually lost in doing so. By choosing to step back from sex and taking time to evaluate my experiences I feel as if I'm able to step into the next chapter with a clearer vision on what I want my sexuality to look like. I didn't do it to gain respect from men or to get a seat on the express train to heaven; I did it for me. And honestly, I have come to feel more empowered by "keeping a nickel between my knees" than I ever did by spreading them.

I don't think celibacy is the answer for every woman out there who feels the need to own her sexuality, but neither is passing out the cookies like you're a Girl Scout at the peak of the season. Sometimes you just have to completely shut out what society thinks you should & should not do and figure out what works best for you.



*Sarah Baartman was a woman from the Eastern Cape of S. Africa, who was made famous/infamous by being exploited by her slavemasters and exhibited as a freak show attraction in Europe during the 19th century. Was made popular due to her "unusual bodily features".