So You Say You Wanna Get Married, Aye?

I've recently decided that love isn't a good enough reason to marry someone. I'll go so far as to say that love alone, is actually a bad reason to think you should be married to someone. You can love a lot of people in a lifetime, even love a couple of them at the same time but when you decide to marry someone; I believe that should only happen once with one person so it's definitely not something to be taken lightly.

As I've been giving a lot of thought about my future as it pertains to dating, I've spent quite a bit of that time thinking about marriage and what it means to me. We're living in a society now where women (and some men as well) seem to be more enamored with the idea of getting married than actually being married. For Christ's sake, celebs are out here making 70 million dollars off of corporately sponsored shotgun weddings while viewers sit back and watch from the comfort of their own homes. Reality TV shows such as The Bachelor franchise nuke the whole courting process. Women dream of their wedding day and start plotting on colors and bridal party participants before an engagement ring is even purchased. But while I hear tons of talk about diamond karat weights, indoor vs outdoor receptions, buffet vs set menu; there isn't nearly as much excitement when I hear talk about what happens when the "I Do's" are said and the honeymoon is over. You know, when that whole "til death do us part" part takes effect.

If more people realized juuuuust how serious marriage was, I'm pretty sure the divorce rate would go down. The age of marriage would also probably go up and the rate at which people were getting married would probably also decline. And why is that? Because folks might actually start to look past the glamour associated with the wedding day and being able to say you're someone's wife, and actually think what they're really signing up for.

Marriage is so romanticized, and while there is much about marriage that is indeed romantic, a lot of it is about business as well. You can be in a relationship with someone forever and not legally marry them; people do it all the time. So what is the benefit of marrying someone? I'd say it's the security that comes along with it; both mental and financial. Being able to share health benefit coverage, having someone to come home to and to come home to you every night. Having someone to start a family and build an empire with. Not just someone to cuddle next to cold nights and make a million and one Facebook albums with.

Having heard quite a few stories lately about men who are married or are engaged who choose to be unfaithful has also made me step back at analyze modern day marriage. And from that I drew this conclusion: nobody has to get married. This isn't 1911, where people would label you certifiably crazy and un-useful in society if you were over the age of 25 and single. So if you have no intention of being faithful, maybe marriage isn't for you. And honestly, that's okay. As I've gotten older, I've discovered that traditional marriage isn't for everyone and it probably never was but when society says you either get married or you become the equivalent of a leper, get married is what you do. With that said, it's damn near 2012, don't get married because you feel pressured to or because your friends are doing it. Marriage isn't a trend to hop on while it's hot and hop off of when the thrill dies down.

I've been in love before and thought I could see my future with that person in it. But when I looked at the basic things that were important to me, not being able to trust him kept coming to the forefront of our relationship. Some may say, "that's something you could work past" but would you honestly go into business with someone you couldn't trust? Truth is, that you could, but who wants to look over their shoulder every 5 seconds because they don't know when moves may be being made unbeknownst to them that could damage and cripple that partnership? Marriage is a business, love is it's collateral.

Now don't get me wrong, none of this is to say that I don't want to get married and be married in the legal, traditional sense, because the June Cleaver in me definitely does and I will. But I want to get married when I know it's right and when a mate has been revealed to me with whom I am equally yoked. And by that I don't mean we make the same amount of money, come from similar backgrounds and have the same education achievements. What I do mean is that he also realizes that marriage is not a game. It's not all chocolate, roses, sex and Valentine's Day everyday. It's hard work, dirty work. We will have arguments, we will butt heads, but we will also know how important it is that we work things out. How important it is that we share the same vision for our future family. Love is a vital attribute for marriage, but so is trust, commitment, patience, honesty and more tactical things like knowing how to handle our money and being ambitious.

But then again, I'm not married, not even close. So what do I know right? ;-)

Infidelity

"A man who will cheat with you, will cheat on you" - Some wise old sage

I don't know if that statement is true or not, but I believe it's befitting for this post. Have I ever told you all the story of my date with the married man? I feel like I did but I don't have the patience this AM to go search for it.

Many, many years ago when I first moved to NYC, I was riding the 1 train from Harlem to work and a man got my attention by commenting on the book I was reading: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. Nobody strikes up conversations with strangers during the morning commute on the NYC subway, so I was intrigued to say the least. He wasn't physically my type but I said, what the hey and we exchanged info.

After a couple weeks of plotting to get together, he invited me out for drinks. A couple drinks later, some laughs and good conversation and we get down to the nitty gritty of it all. We begin discussing relationships and he asks me what it is that I'm looking for in a man. A big sigh and a few seconds later, I respond with "honesty". And in true, straight from a movie fashion, he responds, "well since we're being honest I need to tell you something". Naturally my eye brow is raised at this point and I'm checking for my exits(just in case a quick escape is needed) because what in the world could you be feeling the need to be honest with me about already??

"I'm married."

I do believe my jaw hit the bar at that point and my eyes got wide as I processed my date's moment of truth. "Did he just say he was marrried? Why are we on this date then? What? Just... why!?".

He proceeds to explain how he's been married for all of four years to an older woman and as his words get drowned out by white noise, the only question I can muster up is, "where's your wedding band?". "I threw it in a fight and it got lost. That was actually my second one". What kind of man gets mad at his wife in a fight and throws his wedding band? Is what I wanted to ask but kept my lips sealed as my date, now the married man, went on the explain how we could still go out together and he could take me on weekend trips. We could have "fun"... o_0 Maybe in some alternate, parallel universe this would have sounded like a good idea, but definitely not in my reality.

Aggressively feeling sick to my stomach, the date ended abruptly with him continuing to talk about us getting together for future engagements. Future... why? I walk home feeling confused, disgusted and discouraged. And also feeling bad for this man's wife. After a mere 4 years of marriage your man is out tipping around with single women. Buying them drinks and chatting them up in a way that only a man with no formal attachments should. Your husband is a cheater with no shame or remorse. But, why?

Fast forward to last week. I'm chatting with a girlfriend about a date she just went on earlier that evening. "Which do you want to hear first? The okay, the bad or the worst?", she asks. Oh Lord here we go. After lamenting about her date discussing his previous dates/situations with other women with her and his decision to go dutch on a $40 bill, she gets to the kicker... the worst. All night she had noticed a ring on his finger, he too must have noticed that she did because half way through the date he fidgets around for a bit under the table and his hand reappears ringless. This man, her date, is married. In later conversation he admits to being married but wanting to continue to get together with her in the future.

What part of the game is this?? Obviously too many woman have been willing to overlook a man's married status just to have someone to show them attention and now these selfish a-holes are under the impression that dating outside of a marriage is cool. I want a husband someday, but not someone else's. At what point did we start taking marriage so lightly? Do only men do this? Not cheat, obviously, do married women go out on dates with single men? I can't say that I've ever heard one of my guy friends talk about taking a married chic out on a date.

Thoughts people?