If One More Man Tells Me What To Do...

Over the past few years, we've been told by men in mass media to recognize when a man's just not that into us, raise our expectations, lower our expectations, act like ladies but think like men, give the blue collar man a chance etc etc etc.

Is it that these male authors and bloggers* really care about the "plight" of the 21st century woman, or do they merely see a golden opportunity that could lead to books on the NY Times best seller list, movie opportunities and money in their pockets? Anybody got a stat on how much money the relationship advice industry has raked in in the past 5 years? Because I really would like to see that. With all the buzz that continues to go on surrounding women and love, I can't help but continue to notice that many of the talking heads out there on this topic are men. And for the most part, it isn't men talking to other men about how they can straighten up and fly right, but men talking to women about what we can do to make sure we don't end up lonely, bitter, cat hoarding spinsters (-_-) Just as I'm writing this post I spy a tweet about Tyrese and Rev Run coming out with a book for women called Manology and a part of my soul just died.

I totally understand the theory, "who better to tell women what men want but a man"; however, I think it's deeper than that. Women can't learn how to attract a men who is seeking women, if they don't know how to really be a woman in the first place. I'm pretty traditional if you haven't noticed yet and I've certainly realized that women have begun to lose their way. I think it's time that we go back to the basics. Women need to be showed how to dress and carry themselves in a way that we command respect and love before we even open our mouths.

We've gotten to the point where independence and gender equality are being confused with just running around doing whatever pops into our heads regardless of what the outcome may be. If we weren't the emotionally charged beings that we are, that would be fine. Many of us have decided that letting a man find us is no longer the way to go and we have to step up our 'A' game to compete with other women to find Mr. Right. Women are truly out here chasing men, both figuratively and literally, a concept that is backwards to me. By no means am I saying that women shouldn't put forth an effort but as one of my favorite Bible verses states, "a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing". That's right, a MAN, not a woman who finds a man that she can persuade, swindle or guilt into being her husband. We've gotten so swallowed up into thinking that in order to get wifed we have to start thinking and acting like men that we've gotten damn near obsessed with the race to get a man.

While we're out here changing our way of life & thought to match what some man has taught us this week, it's important to realize that finally finding a partner to settle down with isn't going to be our life's saving grace. We're not going to go from insecure, unhappy single women to happily ecstatic, confident girlfriends and wives just because a man decided to show us the attention that we deserved all along. It goes deeper than just changing how you approach dating and how you think about men. And that's an important note that I feel is being left out far too often.

Also, why is it that more female authors/bloggers are not heralded for giving stellar life/dating advice catering to women? Is it because women don't trust other women enough to believe the things that come out of our own mouths? Is it that women only like to hear relationship advice from men? Or that men really do give the best life advice? Is it some twisted manifestation of the lack of male presence in many of our childhoods/endless desire to find a father figure that makes us jump at the chance to take advice from men who at least seem to have our best interest at heart? That may have been far-fetched, but remember I majored in Psychology so everything has a deeper meaning, IMO.

I have to shout out Demetria Lucas here, author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl For Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. I followed her blog for years and thus anticipated the release of her book last year. Gladly, she did not disappoint. Her book did not merely focus on the plethora of ways to get a man but how to live life to the fullest while journeying towards Mr. Right. It wasn't only filled with checklists and diagrams on 'gettin chose' and that's what I loved about it. That's what I feel we need more of. Teach women how to be the best they can possibly be and how to truly love ourselves from the inside out and the happiness will follow... the men will follow. Unlike us, men are simple creatures. And since a woman's confidence is definitely a top selling point for them(they love confident women, can't get enough), how about we get a guide for women on how to act like women and strengthen our love of self in order to become happy, uplifted, confident women who in turn are undeniably... man-attracting machines??  :-)

The other day on Twitter, I asked who would be the one to write a book for women on decorum and etiquette, a couple of my followers said: Me. I'm preeeeetty sure they were just joking but maybe I should...


*I don't think all men who write books & blogs geared towards women are bumbling idiots, there are a couple I enjoy. I wrote about them a couple posts ago.

So You Say You Wanna Get Married, Aye?

I've recently decided that love isn't a good enough reason to marry someone. I'll go so far as to say that love alone, is actually a bad reason to think you should be married to someone. You can love a lot of people in a lifetime, even love a couple of them at the same time but when you decide to marry someone; I believe that should only happen once with one person so it's definitely not something to be taken lightly.

As I've been giving a lot of thought about my future as it pertains to dating, I've spent quite a bit of that time thinking about marriage and what it means to me. We're living in a society now where women (and some men as well) seem to be more enamored with the idea of getting married than actually being married. For Christ's sake, celebs are out here making 70 million dollars off of corporately sponsored shotgun weddings while viewers sit back and watch from the comfort of their own homes. Reality TV shows such as The Bachelor franchise nuke the whole courting process. Women dream of their wedding day and start plotting on colors and bridal party participants before an engagement ring is even purchased. But while I hear tons of talk about diamond karat weights, indoor vs outdoor receptions, buffet vs set menu; there isn't nearly as much excitement when I hear talk about what happens when the "I Do's" are said and the honeymoon is over. You know, when that whole "til death do us part" part takes effect.

If more people realized juuuuust how serious marriage was, I'm pretty sure the divorce rate would go down. The age of marriage would also probably go up and the rate at which people were getting married would probably also decline. And why is that? Because folks might actually start to look past the glamour associated with the wedding day and being able to say you're someone's wife, and actually think what they're really signing up for.

Marriage is so romanticized, and while there is much about marriage that is indeed romantic, a lot of it is about business as well. You can be in a relationship with someone forever and not legally marry them; people do it all the time. So what is the benefit of marrying someone? I'd say it's the security that comes along with it; both mental and financial. Being able to share health benefit coverage, having someone to come home to and to come home to you every night. Having someone to start a family and build an empire with. Not just someone to cuddle next to cold nights and make a million and one Facebook albums with.

Having heard quite a few stories lately about men who are married or are engaged who choose to be unfaithful has also made me step back at analyze modern day marriage. And from that I drew this conclusion: nobody has to get married. This isn't 1911, where people would label you certifiably crazy and un-useful in society if you were over the age of 25 and single. So if you have no intention of being faithful, maybe marriage isn't for you. And honestly, that's okay. As I've gotten older, I've discovered that traditional marriage isn't for everyone and it probably never was but when society says you either get married or you become the equivalent of a leper, get married is what you do. With that said, it's damn near 2012, don't get married because you feel pressured to or because your friends are doing it. Marriage isn't a trend to hop on while it's hot and hop off of when the thrill dies down.

I've been in love before and thought I could see my future with that person in it. But when I looked at the basic things that were important to me, not being able to trust him kept coming to the forefront of our relationship. Some may say, "that's something you could work past" but would you honestly go into business with someone you couldn't trust? Truth is, that you could, but who wants to look over their shoulder every 5 seconds because they don't know when moves may be being made unbeknownst to them that could damage and cripple that partnership? Marriage is a business, love is it's collateral.

Now don't get me wrong, none of this is to say that I don't want to get married and be married in the legal, traditional sense, because the June Cleaver in me definitely does and I will. But I want to get married when I know it's right and when a mate has been revealed to me with whom I am equally yoked. And by that I don't mean we make the same amount of money, come from similar backgrounds and have the same education achievements. What I do mean is that he also realizes that marriage is not a game. It's not all chocolate, roses, sex and Valentine's Day everyday. It's hard work, dirty work. We will have arguments, we will butt heads, but we will also know how important it is that we work things out. How important it is that we share the same vision for our future family. Love is a vital attribute for marriage, but so is trust, commitment, patience, honesty and more tactical things like knowing how to handle our money and being ambitious.

But then again, I'm not married, not even close. So what do I know right? ;-)

Daddy Issues Pt. 2: I'm Single Because I Have a Dad?

"So now I have to have bad luck in love because I have a positive relationship with my dad?? Bullshyt." - Me.

A couple weeks ago I wrote about how absent fathers and negative father relationships adversely impact men. While writing that post and speaking with some of my girlfriends about "daddy issues", I began thinking of another take on this subject that seemed worth writing about.

Most of my close girlfriends are single. Not just, "I'm not married yet so on applications I check single" single, but "I don't have a steady man that's even worth talking about" single. They're attractive, educated, smart, ambitious women with pleasant personalities, but they're all single. Maybe it's just a sign of the times or merely a correlation between singletude and living in big cities with terribly uneven eligible male to female rations. But then again, maybe it's more than that.

I'm an over-thinker so of course I started to look for a common thread or theme among us. And as I started to do so, I thought about our family backgrounds. Almost all of my friends, myself included, who are super single, either come from two parents households or family situations where they have great relationships with their fathers. Could women with positive father relationships in their lives be negatively effected by such a great thing when it comes to dating?

I've talked to one of my married friends who has a different family background about this, hey Mira boo!, and she sort of agrees here. According to her take, women, like the aforementioned, create fairytale-like qualifications for their future mates based off of the positive relationships they have with their fathers. Instead of just dating guys for the fun of it, they want to find a man, THE man, who is going to be their husband because that's what they're used to seeing. I don't necessarily disagree here, but I don't exactly agree with that take either.

I look at it like this: how often do you hear people say, "I want my kids to have it better than I did. I want to be able to give them more than I had."? Pretty frequently right? When a woman has a great relationship with her dad, this is exactly what happens. Instead of saying, let me settle down with this guy who may not be bringing much to the table, they(we) want the guy who we see has the potential to give us AT LEAST what our fathers gave us. Is that so wrong? It doesn't mean we won't give a guy who hasn't quite made it, but is on his way there, a chance. It may however, mean we're less likely to let a man stick around who doesn't have it together at all and doesn't exemplify those characteristics that we love in our fathers. For many of us, our dads are our frame of reference for what we want in a man.

I love that my father was a great provider for us growing up. He worked hard to keep the roof over our heads and food on the table. And at the same time made it possible for my mother to be a stay at home mom until I reached 7th grade. Do I think i'm going to meet a man right now who will be 100% cool with me being a housewife while he goes out to work everyday? Not necessarily. But I do want a man who realizes the importance of love, trust, family and sacrifice and how those factors work together to create a successful family unit. My dad also has drive and ambition. He's helped to create plans that have impacted pretty much every person in the DMV if you ride public transportation. Ever rode an express metro bus or used a student pass growing up? My dad's ideas/plans(yep! I'm bragging right now). With a dad that great, why should I be aiming to settle for a man who lacks those very same qualities? Just like I have a father I can brag on, I want a husband I can brag on as well. *Cue Drake - Make Me Proud*

I'm sure this may be an unpopular opinion but eh, it happens sometimes. What do you all think? When it comes to daddy issues, are women "damned if you do damned if you don't"? Or am I merely blowing smoke out of my a$$?