So... What's Your Sleep Number?

I've had several conversations that have led me to this topic. From Paul Brunson's MDMQ the other week, to having a brief on-line chat with a real life male virgin, and having one of my guy friends tell me he assumes most sexually active women have slept with at least 20 men by this stage in life 0_0; I can't help but wonder how important it is to know how many people your mate has slept with.

Have you ever asked someone how many sexual partners they've had? Does it matter? Is it the type of question that buries itself in the back of your mind? Or do you just not care? If someone asked you, how would you feel? Would you be taken aback? Offended? Would you be honest?

So many questions, so few answers. I've personally never asked a guy this question, partially because I think I never really wanted to know the answer. I blindly assume most men who are sexually active have slept with more women than I would be comfortable hearing about, so I'd rather not ask because I'd end up like the guy in the above video. As the saying goes you ought not ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to, right? I mean, what if the number was really high? Would that cause me to think he had been too promiscuous in the past(ah yes, men can be promiscuous as well)? What if it was really low? Would I believe him or would I think he was lying?

I think the biggest issue here is why someone's sleep number would even be of importance. If the person you're with is honest and even more importantly healthy, should it even matter how many people they slept with before you? I also, wonder if the number of partners a woman has had has become less important to men. Everyone has been saying heauxs stay winning these days, so has it become less of a issue if a woman has to use both hands & feet to count the number of people with whom she's made a beast with two backs?

And for the ladies, if a man told you he was a virgin or had only 1 or 2 partners, would you think that something must be wrong with him? We have to be clear about the fact that there are obvious double standards in this situation. Ones that herald men who have had many sexual partners, because of course practice makes perfect(sarcasm) and taunts men who have limited sexual experience because that's not what society "expects" from them. And of course the opposite is the case when it comes to women.


So speak on it people. Does your mate's "sleep number" matter to you? Why or why not?

If One More Man Tells Me What To Do...

Over the past few years, we've been told by men in mass media to recognize when a man's just not that into us, raise our expectations, lower our expectations, act like ladies but think like men, give the blue collar man a chance etc etc etc.

Is it that these male authors and bloggers* really care about the "plight" of the 21st century woman, or do they merely see a golden opportunity that could lead to books on the NY Times best seller list, movie opportunities and money in their pockets? Anybody got a stat on how much money the relationship advice industry has raked in in the past 5 years? Because I really would like to see that. With all the buzz that continues to go on surrounding women and love, I can't help but continue to notice that many of the talking heads out there on this topic are men. And for the most part, it isn't men talking to other men about how they can straighten up and fly right, but men talking to women about what we can do to make sure we don't end up lonely, bitter, cat hoarding spinsters (-_-) Just as I'm writing this post I spy a tweet about Tyrese and Rev Run coming out with a book for women called Manology and a part of my soul just died.

I totally understand the theory, "who better to tell women what men want but a man"; however, I think it's deeper than that. Women can't learn how to attract a men who is seeking women, if they don't know how to really be a woman in the first place. I'm pretty traditional if you haven't noticed yet and I've certainly realized that women have begun to lose their way. I think it's time that we go back to the basics. Women need to be showed how to dress and carry themselves in a way that we command respect and love before we even open our mouths.

We've gotten to the point where independence and gender equality are being confused with just running around doing whatever pops into our heads regardless of what the outcome may be. If we weren't the emotionally charged beings that we are, that would be fine. Many of us have decided that letting a man find us is no longer the way to go and we have to step up our 'A' game to compete with other women to find Mr. Right. Women are truly out here chasing men, both figuratively and literally, a concept that is backwards to me. By no means am I saying that women shouldn't put forth an effort but as one of my favorite Bible verses states, "a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing". That's right, a MAN, not a woman who finds a man that she can persuade, swindle or guilt into being her husband. We've gotten so swallowed up into thinking that in order to get wifed we have to start thinking and acting like men that we've gotten damn near obsessed with the race to get a man.

While we're out here changing our way of life & thought to match what some man has taught us this week, it's important to realize that finally finding a partner to settle down with isn't going to be our life's saving grace. We're not going to go from insecure, unhappy single women to happily ecstatic, confident girlfriends and wives just because a man decided to show us the attention that we deserved all along. It goes deeper than just changing how you approach dating and how you think about men. And that's an important note that I feel is being left out far too often.

Also, why is it that more female authors/bloggers are not heralded for giving stellar life/dating advice catering to women? Is it because women don't trust other women enough to believe the things that come out of our own mouths? Is it that women only like to hear relationship advice from men? Or that men really do give the best life advice? Is it some twisted manifestation of the lack of male presence in many of our childhoods/endless desire to find a father figure that makes us jump at the chance to take advice from men who at least seem to have our best interest at heart? That may have been far-fetched, but remember I majored in Psychology so everything has a deeper meaning, IMO.

I have to shout out Demetria Lucas here, author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl For Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. I followed her blog for years and thus anticipated the release of her book last year. Gladly, she did not disappoint. Her book did not merely focus on the plethora of ways to get a man but how to live life to the fullest while journeying towards Mr. Right. It wasn't only filled with checklists and diagrams on 'gettin chose' and that's what I loved about it. That's what I feel we need more of. Teach women how to be the best they can possibly be and how to truly love ourselves from the inside out and the happiness will follow... the men will follow. Unlike us, men are simple creatures. And since a woman's confidence is definitely a top selling point for them(they love confident women, can't get enough), how about we get a guide for women on how to act like women and strengthen our love of self in order to become happy, uplifted, confident women who in turn are undeniably... man-attracting machines??  :-)

The other day on Twitter, I asked who would be the one to write a book for women on decorum and etiquette, a couple of my followers said: Me. I'm preeeeetty sure they were just joking but maybe I should...


*I don't think all men who write books & blogs geared towards women are bumbling idiots, there are a couple I enjoy. I wrote about them a couple posts ago.

Girl, Quit Lyin!

In my previous post, I mentioned the latest stat that stopped me in my tracks. Didn't see it? Here it goes:

45% of black women say getting married is very important

Before I could even finish the rest of the article, my response was, we women have GOT to stop lying to ourselves. I find it hard to believe that only 45% of women find marriage to be very important. As I stated before, I'm not saying that we should all be running around like chickens with our heads cut off obsessing over marriage, but only 45%?? That definitely surprised me. And so did some of the quotes from women who arebsuccessful and single that were interviewed as a part of the article.

"Love, the comedian, who also is single, says there is no point focusing on what she doesn’t have. “A lot of people say you’re going to be lonely. No, you will adjust,” Love says, adding that she enjoys her life, which includes partying and going on cruises, without anyone accompanying her."


"Nika Beamon, a television news producer in New York who turned 40 last year, likes to say, “I didn’t work this hard to get married.” She imagined that she would have a husband and children by now but is satisfied with how things have turned out."


"Smith, the 21-year-old University of Maryland senior, says many of her female friends are reluctant to express the truth about their love lives. “You have these driven black women here,” Smith says, “and sometimes . . . you really don’t want to talk about, ‘Oh, I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school.’ It makes you seem weak.”


I'll admit, I side-eye every woman who utters the phrase, "I'm single and even if I never get married, that's okay because I'm fine being alone. I've got a good job, a house, etc etc etc" or any variation of that phrase. And you know why? You don't mean it!


Some of us have gotten so used to being turned down and turned away by men that we've built up a defense mechanism that automatically regurgitates that line every time someone asks us about being single. And I get it, I get tired of being asked about my singletude as well. But you will never catch me saying I'm okay with the idea of winding up alone, because I'm not. And I won't lie to you nor myself about that. 


How many of us have opinions close to the one shared by the 21 year old college student? That we feel weak or less than because you're unattached? And don't lie because it's okay if you do. But the truth is, just as we have power in our professional lives, we have just as much power in our personal lives. No, you can't make a man fall in love & marry you but you can make yourself emotionally available to men and be for real about what you really want in a relationship. Too often we're forgetting how much power we really do have as women. And because we don't recognize that power we end up cowering in a corner with all of our other successful, single-and-don't-really-wanna be girlfriends pretending not to care.


Long story short, being honest about what your really want out of life is the first step to getting what you really want out of it. Think, there for you will be ladies :0)


And quit lying! 

Call Me in 6 Months

A couple weeks ago, I'm out at the bar with a few friends. As the night progresses a man comes over to the bar that they're familiar with and proceeds to chat them up. As a break comes into their conversation one of the guys I know slides his phone over to me with a message about this man's interest in talking to me. My only typed out response is: tell him I'm dating Jesus.

As jokingly as I meant that, I realized I was 100% serious.

If you've read my last couple posts, you already know that I'm on a break from dating. I needed some "me" time as well as time to assess my situation and realize what I want and need out of life. When I started this dating break, there was no concrete end date for it, I just figured I would know when it was time to give dating another try. However, over the holiday I gave my dating sabbatical a deadline. What is it you ask? May 1st, I say. That will mark 6 months of no dating. Six whole months of voluntarily giving up all romantic engagements with men. No dates, no cuddle sessions, no late night chats, no nada.

Why 6 months? For one, I needed to give myself a deadline. I don't normally do well with open ended situations of any kind, so I needed the structure that having a beginning and an end to this provides. Secondly, a great sister-friend, who's on a similar journey, recommended the book Your Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Lifelong Love by P.B. Wilson for me to read. And in this book, the author recommends a 6 month dating sabbatical in order to get to know yourself (according to her, it takes 6 months to really get to know someone; yourself included apparently). Let me just tell you all that this book is amazing. It's faith based, so if you don't have any religion, as the old folks say, trust me, this is not the book for you.

Aside from on Twitter, I hadn't really said too much about this topic, mostly because nobody ever wants to believe me when I tell them what I'm doing; especially guys. Their response is pretty uniform across the board, "uhhh, but why?". And of course I get comments about how the last guy must have really done me wrong for me to want to take this type of break. Truth is, sure, things didn't turn out favorably in previous situations, but I found more fault with the way I responded to being hurt than with the hurt that was actually done.

What's really surprising and both humors & saddens me a bit is the surprised and damn near shocked responses I get from my girl friends. For some reason it boggles people's minds that I could elect to stop dating for half a year and just focus on myself. One of my friends even went so far as to ask me, "Since you aren't dating, what do you do with all that free time?". Huh? Is dating supposed to be that much of a focal point in my life at this age? So much so, that since I'm not dating, I must be sitting around being superhuman and twiddling my thumbs in boredom?

What I gather is that most women's approach to dating is to date, date & date some more until they finally "strike it rich" and come across the man of their dreams. Well, that approach never worked for me and most often it did nothing more than spiral me into a state of vexation; hence why taking this break to regroup makes a lot of sense for me. I'd honestly recommend that more women try this approach. If you're single and don't want to be, maaaaybe it's time to stop trying the same thing time and time again expecting to obtain a different outcome. What's the definition of insanity? Hmmmm...

The most difficult aspect I've pondered on this journey, is what do I do if & when I meet a man who takes interest in me? Do I abandon my goal of abstaining from dating to see if something promising could happen? Absolutely not! That would defeat the purpose. Hopefully guys who approach me won't take it personal when I say, call me after May 1st. But if they do, so what? This time things are about me, not them.

A Year In Review

2011 is almost over! Can you believe it? Because I surely can't. This year was a tough one and I will honestly say I wouldn't do it again for the life of me. Let's take a quick glance at my year in review:

I laughed a lot. I cried. I fell in like. I fell out of like... hard. I quit a job. I started a new one. I got depressed, really depressed. I lost 15 pounds. I made mistakes. I meditated. I gave up on pointless sex; make that all sex. I took a sabbatical from dating. I fasted. I opened my heart to God. I found a church & pastor I really enjoy. I started making turbans. I eliminated the majority of my debt. I almost jumped out of a plane. I got my passport. I gained new friends. I lost old ones. I strengthened existing bonds. I read. I wrote. I lived...


As I enter into a new year, I'm not going to make bottomless promises to myself about what I will accomplish and set goals without a concrete plan of action. But what I will do is continue to be thankful for all of my many blessings and promise to continue to grow in love & light. To laugh. To love and be the best possible me for Him.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!! Happy Kwanzaa!

Happy New Year!!!!