So... What's Your Sleep Number?

I've had several conversations that have led me to this topic. From Paul Brunson's MDMQ the other week, to having a brief on-line chat with a real life male virgin, and having one of my guy friends tell me he assumes most sexually active women have slept with at least 20 men by this stage in life 0_0; I can't help but wonder how important it is to know how many people your mate has slept with.

Have you ever asked someone how many sexual partners they've had? Does it matter? Is it the type of question that buries itself in the back of your mind? Or do you just not care? If someone asked you, how would you feel? Would you be taken aback? Offended? Would you be honest?

So many questions, so few answers. I've personally never asked a guy this question, partially because I think I never really wanted to know the answer. I blindly assume most men who are sexually active have slept with more women than I would be comfortable hearing about, so I'd rather not ask because I'd end up like the guy in the above video. As the saying goes you ought not ask questions you don't really want to know the answer to, right? I mean, what if the number was really high? Would that cause me to think he had been too promiscuous in the past(ah yes, men can be promiscuous as well)? What if it was really low? Would I believe him or would I think he was lying?

I think the biggest issue here is why someone's sleep number would even be of importance. If the person you're with is honest and even more importantly healthy, should it even matter how many people they slept with before you? I also, wonder if the number of partners a woman has had has become less important to men. Everyone has been saying heauxs stay winning these days, so has it become less of a issue if a woman has to use both hands & feet to count the number of people with whom she's made a beast with two backs?

And for the ladies, if a man told you he was a virgin or had only 1 or 2 partners, would you think that something must be wrong with him? We have to be clear about the fact that there are obvious double standards in this situation. Ones that herald men who have had many sexual partners, because of course practice makes perfect(sarcasm) and taunts men who have limited sexual experience because that's not what society "expects" from them. And of course the opposite is the case when it comes to women.


So speak on it people. Does your mate's "sleep number" matter to you? Why or why not?

Seriously, What Is The Big Deal About Sex?

Last night relationship adviser, Paul Brunson, posted his question of the moment(nicknamed MDMQ) on twitter and the responses exploded. The question he posed was, "Is sex necessary before marriage?".

Weeeell...

Being a not so recent joiner of team celibacy, as I have shared here before, the question automatically peaked my interest. It's a topic I've discussed many, many times with my friends and I couldn't wait to see what folks had to say. I honestly thought the number of people who said "yes" would totally outnumber those who said "no" but it turned out not to be as skewed. However, "yes" sex is necessary did prevail as the popular answer, making up around 68% of the responses.

Of course many of the folks who said "no" were members of the Jesus crew and got to going on about sex being used as a replacement for God in relationships, sex being worshiped and so on and so forth. But what I really wanted to watch were the responses from those who said yes. And naturally, they were quite entertaining.

Without fail, quite a few men likened sex being necessary before marriage to test driving a car before you buy it (-_-). Which to me is one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. Maybe one of my male readers wants to explain that rationale to me, I'm all ears... well, eyes. Most "yes" responders said they felt that way because you have to make sure you're compatible with the person you're marrying and that that person is skilled enough in bed because that can make or break a relationship. But with that I have to ask, can it really?

If you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them, is lackluster sex enough to call it all quits? I'd have to ask whether the bond was honestly that strong in the first place if it's that simple to just walk away from them. Bedroom skills can always improve, but it takes patience and open communication. If you're having sub par sex with your mate and you haven't told them it's sup bar, you're just as much to blame for the situation as they are. How is someone supposed to know they aren't good at something if you just go along pretending to be satisfied? Closed mouths don't get fed, remember that.

For those responses that said you need to have sex with the person you plan to marry in order to make sure you're compatible, I just say, huh? Is sex the biggest thing that connects two people?

That took me back to a convo I had with a guy I dated, where I was asked what I missed most about sex. My response was 'the intimacy'. The poser of the question responded, "but we have intimate moments." And I actually had to pause for a moment. Intimacy is possible without sex?

It wasn't a concept I had ever thought about before that moment but once I did, it all seemed to make sense. Especially because sex without intimacy is DEFINITELY possible and happens all the time. But anyway, you can intimately connect with someone who you've never made a beast with two backs* with, never even laid in the same bed with. And part of me feels like making those types of connections can draw you closer to someone. It all just depends on how you're spending your time with that person.  You're not just getting together and hanging around that person because the sex is right, but because you enjoy the conversation, you enjoy the way you feel just being near them.

At times I think we give sex too much power. It's as if sex is no big deal(when we want to give ourselves permission to indulge in it) but then a huge make or break deal all at the same time. What if you fell in love and married someone and due to one reason or another, maybe a medical complication, they could no longer have sex. Would you divorce them? Sex is the glue that binds two people together, right?

But what do you all think, is sex necessary before marriage? Speak on it, I'm listening.

*Read Othello, you'll get it.

I'm Addicted to Sex

Not me sillies! But apparently Tiger Woods is. Unless you've been hiding under a rock, stories have been circulating about Tiger Woods checking himself into the Pine Grove Behavioral Health & Addictions center in Mississippi to be treated for sexual addiction. I didn't think twice about this initial but a conversation I had with my mother last night, got me thinkin

Society teaches us that men are sexually driven beings. They enjoy sex and have sex with multiple partners, with little to no scrutiny. Women on the other hand are supposed to be "virginal" even if they aren't. Let me explain. Even when a girl has had sex, aside from her closest friends, she isn't likely to make her sexcapades public knowledge. For we all know, if she did, most people would turn a judgemental eye and start calling her all types of hos, sluts, etc. Even in relationships; no man wants to think about his woman being with another man before him but most women hope their man has had some practice and knows what he's doing before crawling between her sheets. No matter how far we've come in equal rights for the sexes, double standards still exist.

Now back to the Tiger discussion.

Tiger had affairs with several women, okay, more than a dozen women over the course of his marriage and some before that. From waitresses, to bartenders, to porn stars and prostitutes. Tiger was sleeping with them all. What is it that pushes this situation beyond a man who couldn't keep it in his pants, to someone with a genuine problem? Some would argue that he doesn't have a problem at all, it's all just a great PR move (that was my mother's opinion).

It's not my place to determine whether Tiger has a sexual addiction or not but I defenitely think that people can be addicted to sex, just like people can be addicted to anything else that puts them in a blissful state. It would just be interesting to know how far does someone have to go for it to become an addiction? Humans naturally think about sex on a regular basis, on average 9 times a day (men 13 times a day, women a mere 5... not a surprise). What if you thought about having a drink or taking a drug that many times a day? You would have been in rehab a long time ago. So what makes someone a sex addict and not just someone who lacks self control and is thus over indulgant from time to time? Do you have to be sleeping with the bottom of the barrel, no offense to the porn stars and prostitutes out there, before someone says you have a problem? What if that's just the preference?

These are all just a bunch of questions, I'm sure there are no concrete answers but I'd like to see where you all weigh in on this issue.