A Brand New Day

 It's May 1st. So I know y'all know what that means...






There are so many emotions flowing through me right now that I can't even begin to explain them. I mean, I feel like it's my birthday and in a way I guess it is. After 6 months of not drinking and not maintaining any romantic relationships with men what so ever, I present to the world the new & improved me.

Dramatic much?

I guess so. But who cares, because I deserve this dramatic re-entry into the world. Over the past 6 months I've learned more about me than I ever thought I would, or even could. I dug deep within and pulled out my own insecurities and laid them on the table for me to see. For the past couple years I wore a mask that made me appear to be a tough cookie, that was cold as ice and bothered by nothing. But that was a lie. I was in pain and had buried it so deep that I didn't even realize it was there. I had allowed my past to not just shape me, but to define me and enough was enough, it was time I sat still and let myself be molded by a higher power.

Initially when I made the decision to stop dating it was because I was tired of trying the same things and not getting different results(which looking back on it, makes no sense). I was in the thick of it and it was tough for me to see what really needed to change, to evolve. I quickly discovered that it wasn't just that I kept running into men who didn't know how to treat me right, some of which I've chronicled here, but it was that I honestly didn't value myself and my purpose enough to know that I had to take responsibility for many of the things I experienced; particularly in the name of chasing love. Hell, I was chasing something that I didn't really even know the meaning of.

I had to learn how to connect with myself and with God. That it was more than okay to lay my burdens down because God's got it. That it's okay to cry and even to let those who care about me see me cry; because tears aren't signs of weakness, they're physical manifestations of growing pains. And in life we're ever growing & evolving.

Whitney Houston was right when she sang The Greatest Love of All; learning to love yourself is the greatest love there is. When you love yourself you're able to set healthy expectations for all other areas in your life. No one can make you happy if you aren't happy with yourself. Sure, maybe the love of someone else can temporarily feel the gaping hole left by not loving yourself, but eventually that lack of self love will raise it's ugly head and you'll realize that you aren't truly satisfied. Men leave, women change their minds, but you can't leave yourself; so you may as well learn how to love yourself or be content covering bullet wounds with band aids for the rest of your life.

Don't get me wrong here; everybody doesn't need to take a 6 month sabbatical from the things they're indulging in in order to rediscover what's most important. For some it could be a weekend retreat, just some 'me time' here or there. Do what works best for you. What I am saying though is that you do need to make time for yourself, to clear your mind, face those past experiences head on that have negatively effected your actions so that you can stop using them as excuses and crutches; so you can move on and be better for it. Maybe your parent(s) abandoned you, that man hurt you, that woman broke your heart; don't make your pain your story, allow your triumph to be your testimony. We've all been wronged by someone, somewhere at some point in life, you never know when your experience and how you learned and grew from it may change someone else's life.

In this whole process, there are some women that I really have to thank, who held me down in more ways than I could have imagined. LeighAnn, I'm so glad we were able to get things back on track :0) I don't think either of us were aware of the blessing you bestowed upon me when you shared Psalms 27 with me; I've read that verse nearly every day since then. Gina where would I be without ALL of our chats about men and how to strengthen our faith as we seek companionship?All in God's time! And Dunni, my sister in the struggle! lol I didn't think I could make new, genuine friendships after the age of 21, but I was proved wrong. When nobody else understood, you did, and I can't express how thankful I am for that. Only one more month to go and then a summer filled with #respectfulrecklessness can commence!

See how I've learned to better communicate my emotions towards others?? Growth lol. There so much more in store for me, more than I can even fathom. I hope you all will continue to read along as I turn the page on this new chapter. Hell, I actually think this is a brand new book entirely :0)

If One More Man Tells Me What To Do...

Over the past few years, we've been told by men in mass media to recognize when a man's just not that into us, raise our expectations, lower our expectations, act like ladies but think like men, give the blue collar man a chance etc etc etc.

Is it that these male authors and bloggers* really care about the "plight" of the 21st century woman, or do they merely see a golden opportunity that could lead to books on the NY Times best seller list, movie opportunities and money in their pockets? Anybody got a stat on how much money the relationship advice industry has raked in in the past 5 years? Because I really would like to see that. With all the buzz that continues to go on surrounding women and love, I can't help but continue to notice that many of the talking heads out there on this topic are men. And for the most part, it isn't men talking to other men about how they can straighten up and fly right, but men talking to women about what we can do to make sure we don't end up lonely, bitter, cat hoarding spinsters (-_-) Just as I'm writing this post I spy a tweet about Tyrese and Rev Run coming out with a book for women called Manology and a part of my soul just died.

I totally understand the theory, "who better to tell women what men want but a man"; however, I think it's deeper than that. Women can't learn how to attract a men who is seeking women, if they don't know how to really be a woman in the first place. I'm pretty traditional if you haven't noticed yet and I've certainly realized that women have begun to lose their way. I think it's time that we go back to the basics. Women need to be showed how to dress and carry themselves in a way that we command respect and love before we even open our mouths.

We've gotten to the point where independence and gender equality are being confused with just running around doing whatever pops into our heads regardless of what the outcome may be. If we weren't the emotionally charged beings that we are, that would be fine. Many of us have decided that letting a man find us is no longer the way to go and we have to step up our 'A' game to compete with other women to find Mr. Right. Women are truly out here chasing men, both figuratively and literally, a concept that is backwards to me. By no means am I saying that women shouldn't put forth an effort but as one of my favorite Bible verses states, "a man who finds a wife, finds a good thing". That's right, a MAN, not a woman who finds a man that she can persuade, swindle or guilt into being her husband. We've gotten so swallowed up into thinking that in order to get wifed we have to start thinking and acting like men that we've gotten damn near obsessed with the race to get a man.

While we're out here changing our way of life & thought to match what some man has taught us this week, it's important to realize that finally finding a partner to settle down with isn't going to be our life's saving grace. We're not going to go from insecure, unhappy single women to happily ecstatic, confident girlfriends and wives just because a man decided to show us the attention that we deserved all along. It goes deeper than just changing how you approach dating and how you think about men. And that's an important note that I feel is being left out far too often.

Also, why is it that more female authors/bloggers are not heralded for giving stellar life/dating advice catering to women? Is it because women don't trust other women enough to believe the things that come out of our own mouths? Is it that women only like to hear relationship advice from men? Or that men really do give the best life advice? Is it some twisted manifestation of the lack of male presence in many of our childhoods/endless desire to find a father figure that makes us jump at the chance to take advice from men who at least seem to have our best interest at heart? That may have been far-fetched, but remember I majored in Psychology so everything has a deeper meaning, IMO.

I have to shout out Demetria Lucas here, author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl For Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. I followed her blog for years and thus anticipated the release of her book last year. Gladly, she did not disappoint. Her book did not merely focus on the plethora of ways to get a man but how to live life to the fullest while journeying towards Mr. Right. It wasn't only filled with checklists and diagrams on 'gettin chose' and that's what I loved about it. That's what I feel we need more of. Teach women how to be the best they can possibly be and how to truly love ourselves from the inside out and the happiness will follow... the men will follow. Unlike us, men are simple creatures. And since a woman's confidence is definitely a top selling point for them(they love confident women, can't get enough), how about we get a guide for women on how to act like women and strengthen our love of self in order to become happy, uplifted, confident women who in turn are undeniably... man-attracting machines??  :-)

The other day on Twitter, I asked who would be the one to write a book for women on decorum and etiquette, a couple of my followers said: Me. I'm preeeeetty sure they were just joking but maybe I should...


*I don't think all men who write books & blogs geared towards women are bumbling idiots, there are a couple I enjoy. I wrote about them a couple posts ago.

Call Me in 6 Months

A couple weeks ago, I'm out at the bar with a few friends. As the night progresses a man comes over to the bar that they're familiar with and proceeds to chat them up. As a break comes into their conversation one of the guys I know slides his phone over to me with a message about this man's interest in talking to me. My only typed out response is: tell him I'm dating Jesus.

As jokingly as I meant that, I realized I was 100% serious.

If you've read my last couple posts, you already know that I'm on a break from dating. I needed some "me" time as well as time to assess my situation and realize what I want and need out of life. When I started this dating break, there was no concrete end date for it, I just figured I would know when it was time to give dating another try. However, over the holiday I gave my dating sabbatical a deadline. What is it you ask? May 1st, I say. That will mark 6 months of no dating. Six whole months of voluntarily giving up all romantic engagements with men. No dates, no cuddle sessions, no late night chats, no nada.

Why 6 months? For one, I needed to give myself a deadline. I don't normally do well with open ended situations of any kind, so I needed the structure that having a beginning and an end to this provides. Secondly, a great sister-friend, who's on a similar journey, recommended the book Your Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Lifelong Love by P.B. Wilson for me to read. And in this book, the author recommends a 6 month dating sabbatical in order to get to know yourself (according to her, it takes 6 months to really get to know someone; yourself included apparently). Let me just tell you all that this book is amazing. It's faith based, so if you don't have any religion, as the old folks say, trust me, this is not the book for you.

Aside from on Twitter, I hadn't really said too much about this topic, mostly because nobody ever wants to believe me when I tell them what I'm doing; especially guys. Their response is pretty uniform across the board, "uhhh, but why?". And of course I get comments about how the last guy must have really done me wrong for me to want to take this type of break. Truth is, sure, things didn't turn out favorably in previous situations, but I found more fault with the way I responded to being hurt than with the hurt that was actually done.

What's really surprising and both humors & saddens me a bit is the surprised and damn near shocked responses I get from my girl friends. For some reason it boggles people's minds that I could elect to stop dating for half a year and just focus on myself. One of my friends even went so far as to ask me, "Since you aren't dating, what do you do with all that free time?". Huh? Is dating supposed to be that much of a focal point in my life at this age? So much so, that since I'm not dating, I must be sitting around being superhuman and twiddling my thumbs in boredom?

What I gather is that most women's approach to dating is to date, date & date some more until they finally "strike it rich" and come across the man of their dreams. Well, that approach never worked for me and most often it did nothing more than spiral me into a state of vexation; hence why taking this break to regroup makes a lot of sense for me. I'd honestly recommend that more women try this approach. If you're single and don't want to be, maaaaybe it's time to stop trying the same thing time and time again expecting to obtain a different outcome. What's the definition of insanity? Hmmmm...

The most difficult aspect I've pondered on this journey, is what do I do if & when I meet a man who takes interest in me? Do I abandon my goal of abstaining from dating to see if something promising could happen? Absolutely not! That would defeat the purpose. Hopefully guys who approach me won't take it personal when I say, call me after May 1st. But if they do, so what? This time things are about me, not them.

The Importance of 'Y-O-U'

For the past two months, I've been on a journey of sorts. My downtime has been filled with meditation, prayer, yoga and church. And it all started with this:

Maybe you can tell what that is, maybe you can't. It's a charred, black ass piece of paper. A piece of paper that once contained all of the things I hated in my life. All of the things that were currently causing me stress and pain at the time. Out of the blue, I decided I would take up meditation and during my first session, I wrote all of those things down and at the completion, I set it on fire. As I watched the paper turn orange and then brown and finally black, I seriously felt as if weight was being lifted from my shoulders. As dramatic as that may sound, all of those things that were written down on that piece of paper had been weighing me down and hindering me from being the best me possible, and the truth is that I hadn't even realized it.

Over the past couple weeks I've been indulging in reality TV shows, Basketball Wives and Love & Hip Hop, in particular and I've been able to sort through the ratchet behavior and pick out a common theme. Whether it's Gloria deciding to get space from Matt Barnes or Emily B attempting to distance herself from Fabolous, I'm witnessing women embark on a journey of self-rediscovery. Often times when you get entangled into imbalanced, needy relationships and also when you have children, it is easy to begin living your life for others. Women are emotionally giving by nature, so that's understandable. And it's not really a bad thing, but what tends to happen in those situations is that we lose sight of who we are and what we want from life. And when you can no longer remember what is important for you  to continue to be YOU, it's time to take a step back and evaluate things.

I remember when Jada Pinkett-Smith came to speak at Spelman during my senior year. One story she told really stuck with me. She recounted an interview she had where she was asked who the most important people in her life were. Her response was 1. herself, 2. her children and 3. her husband. She went on to explain why she had put herself as number 1 instead of somewhere further down the line.

"In order to be there for everyone else in my life, I have to make sure I'm the best me possible."

This was 5 years ago, so I may be misquoting, but what she said was extremely close to that. Her response sounds so simple, but it truly is something so many of us forget.

If you aren't happy and healthy, how can you be the best girlfriend, wife, mother (or boyfriend/husband/father) or even just friend, possible? You can't. If my life has me down in the dumps depressed, how will I be able to support others and be there for them when they need me? While saying that "you" are the most important person in your life may at first seem selfish, it really is essential to being in a position where you can even think to make anyone else a priority in your life.

It's unfortunate that many of us don't realize how important we need to be to ourselves until we get to a breaking point. And once that point has been reached you're forced to either fall over the edge or pick up those pieces and work on putting them back together. I know that was the point I reached right before I was moved to meditation and setting that paper on fire. I had gotten to a point where I felt backed against the wall and didn't see how I was going to make my way out. And sometimes you need those moments to show you that, enough is enough, it's about time you put yourself first.

Deciding to put myself first is the main reason why I'm on the dating sabbatical I mentioned in previous posts. I realized that I wasn't making decisions that showed how important I was to myself. I was putting other people before me who wouldn't do they same if the tables were turned. I was slowly but surely wearing myself thin (literally if you ask some folks).

Learning the importance of me and how to love myself all over again has been one hell of a process, and I know it's not over yet. But I'm glad it's a journey I was compelled to take because I know when I get to this journey's end, I'll be ten times more fabulous than before :0)

If you haven't done so today, tell yourself "I love you". Seriously, say it. And throw in a self-hug while you're at it. You may be surprised by just how good that feels.