The Dangers of Blogging

My very first post on this blog, which was back in January 2010, ended by saying:

"*For my friends/associates/ex lovers and the like who may read my memoirs and see yourselves in these stories, don't be mad! It only means you were on my mind"

Even with that warning, I knew there could possibly be people who may still get offended, upset or hurt by things that I write here. However it never fails to catch me off guard when someone tells me they didn't like something that I wrote about them. Why you ask?

1. I rarely get comments on here, so I assume the number of people who actually read this blog is preeeetty small. It isn't until someone quotes something I said or brings up a topic I wrote about that it really does hit me that there are more eyes on this blog than I thought. So making people upset but what I put here, definitely is not something I would intentionally set out to do, but when I'm blogging and purging my thoughts on a certain topic or experience, the last thing I'm honestly thinking about is how the subject of the post might feel if they were to read it. That may sound callous but it's MY blog. 

2. I never, not ever, use people's real names if I'm writing about an intimate experience. By intimate, I'm not referring to sex so don't try and scroll back through the posts to see if you missed something juicy, nasties :-) I don't even use physical descriptions of people!

3. I never thought that the men I know could actually feel some type of way about the things I write here. 

Wow, that sounded a bit insensitive... but it's true. I know men with some pretty big egos. They have confident auras and often seem like nothing ever phases them, so if/when I get called out for something I wrote here, it shocks me; and it's happened more than once. 

Having come to the reality that, look chic, folks read your blog and may actually pick up on context clues and piece puzzles together and find themselves staring back at them on the computer screen, I'm forced to ask myself the question whether some situations are too personal to write about? I completely understand that that's what people want to read, the gritty interesting stuff, and honestly that's what I want to write about, but do I want to make people upset in the process?  Should there be a filter?

I'm no Carrie and this isn't Sex in The City. There are real people in this blog and real emotions behind them. In the midst of purging my soul here and in return getting free therapy, could I potentially be scaring(for a lack of a better word) guys off because they don't want to end up as my next blog topic?

Food for thought.

Girl, Quit Lyin!

In my previous post, I mentioned the latest stat that stopped me in my tracks. Didn't see it? Here it goes:

45% of black women say getting married is very important

Before I could even finish the rest of the article, my response was, we women have GOT to stop lying to ourselves. I find it hard to believe that only 45% of women find marriage to be very important. As I stated before, I'm not saying that we should all be running around like chickens with our heads cut off obsessing over marriage, but only 45%?? That definitely surprised me. And so did some of the quotes from women who arebsuccessful and single that were interviewed as a part of the article.

"Love, the comedian, who also is single, says there is no point focusing on what she doesn’t have. “A lot of people say you’re going to be lonely. No, you will adjust,” Love says, adding that she enjoys her life, which includes partying and going on cruises, without anyone accompanying her."


"Nika Beamon, a television news producer in New York who turned 40 last year, likes to say, “I didn’t work this hard to get married.” She imagined that she would have a husband and children by now but is satisfied with how things have turned out."


"Smith, the 21-year-old University of Maryland senior, says many of her female friends are reluctant to express the truth about their love lives. “You have these driven black women here,” Smith says, “and sometimes . . . you really don’t want to talk about, ‘Oh, I haven’t had a boyfriend since high school.’ It makes you seem weak.”


I'll admit, I side-eye every woman who utters the phrase, "I'm single and even if I never get married, that's okay because I'm fine being alone. I've got a good job, a house, etc etc etc" or any variation of that phrase. And you know why? You don't mean it!


Some of us have gotten so used to being turned down and turned away by men that we've built up a defense mechanism that automatically regurgitates that line every time someone asks us about being single. And I get it, I get tired of being asked about my singletude as well. But you will never catch me saying I'm okay with the idea of winding up alone, because I'm not. And I won't lie to you nor myself about that. 


How many of us have opinions close to the one shared by the 21 year old college student? That we feel weak or less than because you're unattached? And don't lie because it's okay if you do. But the truth is, just as we have power in our professional lives, we have just as much power in our personal lives. No, you can't make a man fall in love & marry you but you can make yourself emotionally available to men and be for real about what you really want in a relationship. Too often we're forgetting how much power we really do have as women. And because we don't recognize that power we end up cowering in a corner with all of our other successful, single-and-don't-really-wanna be girlfriends pretending not to care.


Long story short, being honest about what your really want out of life is the first step to getting what you really want out of it. Think, there for you will be ladies :0)


And quit lying! 

Will We Always Be a Statistic?

Feast your eyes on The Washington Post's latest article on the state on the black woman:

Survey Paints Portrait of Black Women in America

Go ahead... take a look. It's not nearly as daunting as previous articles. The story which basically summarizes the most striking points from an 800 person survey, is the first in a series of articles on the current state of the black woman in America. Apparently, the Post has found out that all black women aren't angry after all nor are we kitchen bound mammies. Well looky there. All hints of cynicism aside, the article presented some interesting findings and brought to the forefront some very pertinent issues.

Nearly 3/4s of black women think now think it is a good time to be black in America
There are more than 900,000 businesses in America that are owned by black women
67% of black women describe themselves as having high self esteem
67% of single black women would be willing to marry outside of the race
63% of women said it was acceptable to have a child without being married
As of 2008, only 9% of black women married outside of the race; compared to nearly 20% of black men
45% of black women say getting married is very important

Screeeeeeeeeech!!!

Wait what? Only 45%? Seeing as this is a relationship centered blog, all of those other stats are great, awesome even, it's about time black women are looked at as being the dynamic beings we are, however that last stat stopped me in my tracks. Marriage is only important to 45% of us? I'm not saying everybody has to want to get married or else you aint sh*t, eh, okay maybe I am. But what I really want to know is am I the only one shocked that less that half of black women out here find marriage to be important? And while marriage is important to only 45% of black women, 63% are a-okay with having children without being married. And the black family continues to be on the decline. Hmmmmm... interesting.

Call Me in 6 Months

A couple weeks ago, I'm out at the bar with a few friends. As the night progresses a man comes over to the bar that they're familiar with and proceeds to chat them up. As a break comes into their conversation one of the guys I know slides his phone over to me with a message about this man's interest in talking to me. My only typed out response is: tell him I'm dating Jesus.

As jokingly as I meant that, I realized I was 100% serious.

If you've read my last couple posts, you already know that I'm on a break from dating. I needed some "me" time as well as time to assess my situation and realize what I want and need out of life. When I started this dating break, there was no concrete end date for it, I just figured I would know when it was time to give dating another try. However, over the holiday I gave my dating sabbatical a deadline. What is it you ask? May 1st, I say. That will mark 6 months of no dating. Six whole months of voluntarily giving up all romantic engagements with men. No dates, no cuddle sessions, no late night chats, no nada.

Why 6 months? For one, I needed to give myself a deadline. I don't normally do well with open ended situations of any kind, so I needed the structure that having a beginning and an end to this provides. Secondly, a great sister-friend, who's on a similar journey, recommended the book Your Knight in Shining Armor: Discovering Your Lifelong Love by P.B. Wilson for me to read. And in this book, the author recommends a 6 month dating sabbatical in order to get to know yourself (according to her, it takes 6 months to really get to know someone; yourself included apparently). Let me just tell you all that this book is amazing. It's faith based, so if you don't have any religion, as the old folks say, trust me, this is not the book for you.

Aside from on Twitter, I hadn't really said too much about this topic, mostly because nobody ever wants to believe me when I tell them what I'm doing; especially guys. Their response is pretty uniform across the board, "uhhh, but why?". And of course I get comments about how the last guy must have really done me wrong for me to want to take this type of break. Truth is, sure, things didn't turn out favorably in previous situations, but I found more fault with the way I responded to being hurt than with the hurt that was actually done.

What's really surprising and both humors & saddens me a bit is the surprised and damn near shocked responses I get from my girl friends. For some reason it boggles people's minds that I could elect to stop dating for half a year and just focus on myself. One of my friends even went so far as to ask me, "Since you aren't dating, what do you do with all that free time?". Huh? Is dating supposed to be that much of a focal point in my life at this age? So much so, that since I'm not dating, I must be sitting around being superhuman and twiddling my thumbs in boredom?

What I gather is that most women's approach to dating is to date, date & date some more until they finally "strike it rich" and come across the man of their dreams. Well, that approach never worked for me and most often it did nothing more than spiral me into a state of vexation; hence why taking this break to regroup makes a lot of sense for me. I'd honestly recommend that more women try this approach. If you're single and don't want to be, maaaaybe it's time to stop trying the same thing time and time again expecting to obtain a different outcome. What's the definition of insanity? Hmmmm...

The most difficult aspect I've pondered on this journey, is what do I do if & when I meet a man who takes interest in me? Do I abandon my goal of abstaining from dating to see if something promising could happen? Absolutely not! That would defeat the purpose. Hopefully guys who approach me won't take it personal when I say, call me after May 1st. But if they do, so what? This time things are about me, not them.

So You Say You Wanna Get Married, Aye?

I've recently decided that love isn't a good enough reason to marry someone. I'll go so far as to say that love alone, is actually a bad reason to think you should be married to someone. You can love a lot of people in a lifetime, even love a couple of them at the same time but when you decide to marry someone; I believe that should only happen once with one person so it's definitely not something to be taken lightly.

As I've been giving a lot of thought about my future as it pertains to dating, I've spent quite a bit of that time thinking about marriage and what it means to me. We're living in a society now where women (and some men as well) seem to be more enamored with the idea of getting married than actually being married. For Christ's sake, celebs are out here making 70 million dollars off of corporately sponsored shotgun weddings while viewers sit back and watch from the comfort of their own homes. Reality TV shows such as The Bachelor franchise nuke the whole courting process. Women dream of their wedding day and start plotting on colors and bridal party participants before an engagement ring is even purchased. But while I hear tons of talk about diamond karat weights, indoor vs outdoor receptions, buffet vs set menu; there isn't nearly as much excitement when I hear talk about what happens when the "I Do's" are said and the honeymoon is over. You know, when that whole "til death do us part" part takes effect.

If more people realized juuuuust how serious marriage was, I'm pretty sure the divorce rate would go down. The age of marriage would also probably go up and the rate at which people were getting married would probably also decline. And why is that? Because folks might actually start to look past the glamour associated with the wedding day and being able to say you're someone's wife, and actually think what they're really signing up for.

Marriage is so romanticized, and while there is much about marriage that is indeed romantic, a lot of it is about business as well. You can be in a relationship with someone forever and not legally marry them; people do it all the time. So what is the benefit of marrying someone? I'd say it's the security that comes along with it; both mental and financial. Being able to share health benefit coverage, having someone to come home to and to come home to you every night. Having someone to start a family and build an empire with. Not just someone to cuddle next to cold nights and make a million and one Facebook albums with.

Having heard quite a few stories lately about men who are married or are engaged who choose to be unfaithful has also made me step back at analyze modern day marriage. And from that I drew this conclusion: nobody has to get married. This isn't 1911, where people would label you certifiably crazy and un-useful in society if you were over the age of 25 and single. So if you have no intention of being faithful, maybe marriage isn't for you. And honestly, that's okay. As I've gotten older, I've discovered that traditional marriage isn't for everyone and it probably never was but when society says you either get married or you become the equivalent of a leper, get married is what you do. With that said, it's damn near 2012, don't get married because you feel pressured to or because your friends are doing it. Marriage isn't a trend to hop on while it's hot and hop off of when the thrill dies down.

I've been in love before and thought I could see my future with that person in it. But when I looked at the basic things that were important to me, not being able to trust him kept coming to the forefront of our relationship. Some may say, "that's something you could work past" but would you honestly go into business with someone you couldn't trust? Truth is, that you could, but who wants to look over their shoulder every 5 seconds because they don't know when moves may be being made unbeknownst to them that could damage and cripple that partnership? Marriage is a business, love is it's collateral.

Now don't get me wrong, none of this is to say that I don't want to get married and be married in the legal, traditional sense, because the June Cleaver in me definitely does and I will. But I want to get married when I know it's right and when a mate has been revealed to me with whom I am equally yoked. And by that I don't mean we make the same amount of money, come from similar backgrounds and have the same education achievements. What I do mean is that he also realizes that marriage is not a game. It's not all chocolate, roses, sex and Valentine's Day everyday. It's hard work, dirty work. We will have arguments, we will butt heads, but we will also know how important it is that we work things out. How important it is that we share the same vision for our future family. Love is a vital attribute for marriage, but so is trust, commitment, patience, honesty and more tactical things like knowing how to handle our money and being ambitious.

But then again, I'm not married, not even close. So what do I know right? ;-)

A Year In Review

2011 is almost over! Can you believe it? Because I surely can't. This year was a tough one and I will honestly say I wouldn't do it again for the life of me. Let's take a quick glance at my year in review:

I laughed a lot. I cried. I fell in like. I fell out of like... hard. I quit a job. I started a new one. I got depressed, really depressed. I lost 15 pounds. I made mistakes. I meditated. I gave up on pointless sex; make that all sex. I took a sabbatical from dating. I fasted. I opened my heart to God. I found a church & pastor I really enjoy. I started making turbans. I eliminated the majority of my debt. I almost jumped out of a plane. I got my passport. I gained new friends. I lost old ones. I strengthened existing bonds. I read. I wrote. I lived...


As I enter into a new year, I'm not going to make bottomless promises to myself about what I will accomplish and set goals without a concrete plan of action. But what I will do is continue to be thankful for all of my many blessings and promise to continue to grow in love & light. To laugh. To love and be the best possible me for Him.

Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!! Happy Kwanzaa!

Happy New Year!!!!

Some Love For the Fellas

Being a blogger myself, I must admit... I LOVE reading blogs! I could seriously sit and read them all day. Blogs about love & life, blogs about fashion, blogs about food. You name it, I'd probably at least take a gander at it if it's a blog. With that said, I've come across some pretty awesome blogs from the male point of view and of course, as women, we always love to hear what the guys have to say. Especially since we think they spend all their time thinking about sports, women & sex :0)

With that said, here's a list of some of my fav blogs from the fellas about well, women, love & sex(duh!):

Very Smart Brothas - Their wit is unparalleled. Especially Panama. I'm guaranteed a side splitting laugh at least twice before the end of all his posts. If you see this, tweet me ;0) . We all know I love a witty man.

Until I Get Married - I think of Jozen, this blog's author, like the Drake of the male blogging world. And I'm a Drake fan, so that's not an insult. He's candid and not afraid to show his emotional side when doing so. And as a fellow HBCU alum, I gotta give props where due.

Black Girls Are Easy - This is a newer find for me, thanks to Twitter. The posts are honest, gritty and humorous at times. I can't say that I've come across a blog from the male POV that speaks more directly to the 20somethings generation. I'll also admit that a post or two that I've read here have made me get in my feelings, which is good, because sometimes we all need a reality check. Oh, don't read this one at work. Guaranteed a NSFW pic or two is destined to pop up on your screen  lol.

Bereolaesque - This one isn't exactly a blog, but Mr. Enitan Bereola II does write for several media outlets including Edge Magazine, Soul Train.com & The Examiner. He's also written a book focused on male chivalry and reviving the 21st century gentleman, Bereolaesque. Word on the streets(the web) is he's now working on one for the ladies. If you find yourself wanting even more of Bereola's tips for the modern day gentleman, follow him on Twitter, @Bereolaesque #pleasantries .

The Urban Gent - Here's a non-relationship focused resource. Take an interest in men's fashion? This is a great blog to check out. The layout is easy to follow and every post is thorough and well put together. There's celebrity inspiration, wardrobe & grooming tips, and even a history lesson or two.

That's all I have for now. Any of my readers have a blog written by a black male that they want to share? I'm always looking for a new distraction :0)