Monday, April 2, 2012

Taking No Prisoners

Today, April 1st marks one more month of my dating sabbatical. ONE month.

I've thought about it, said it, and now typed it and I still don't believe it. The past 5 months have flown by. Actually I think "flown" is an understatement. I swear it was just yesterday that I was shedding tears over situations that failed to work out with the guys who were in my life and that I merely blinked and here I am now, 5 months removed from one of the most trying periods in my life. And now that i'm nearly at the completion of my journey, I can honestly say that words cannot describe the change that I've felt take place within myself over the course of this break.

I feel stronger, wiser, smarter, better connected to myself and my purpose in life and most importantly my relationship with God has been strengthened by leaps and bounds. I have a clearer idea of what I'm looking for in a life partner and what type of relationship I want to have. There was so much that I thought I knew about love, relationships & myself but really I didn't have a clue. Some times when you're deep into something it's hard to get a realistic view of what's really going on. That's what was happening to me while I was dating. Dating a couple guys at once, entertaining this guy and the next one, but never really getting much out of any situation I was involved in. Having dates end up as nothing more than fragmented "friendships" and wondering why I wasn't getting the relationship that I thought I wanted?

Turns out, I was spending too much time operating out of pain and fear to be able to cultivate a healthy relationship with a man. I was unknowingly delighting in the pain of my stories, wearing them like war wounds. I didn't have a healthy relationship with me, how was I really supposed to maintain one with someone else? But while knee-deep in it, I couldn't see that. I just knew that I didn't want to be alone.

While I still have a month to go, I must say this journey coming to an end is quite bittersweet. There are new emotions that I have yet to finish processing and an action plan I'm till formulating. But let me tell you all something. When I get back in the swing of things, I'm not putting up with any bullshit. Excuse my French.

You see, after learning just how important I am, and truly beginning to love myself, I would be taking 100 steps backward if I simply go back to dating, business as usual. I've come to see dating as being an interview of sorts; but instead of trying to find the right person to fulfill a position for a career, I'm looking to hire my life partner. I realize there will be men who will turn out to be the wrong fit for my life and that that doesn't make them bad people, it just doesn't make them the right person for me.

With that said, this is MY life and that means that I make the rules. Especially since I'm the one who has to live with the consequences. I've always been the type to make rules and then bend & break them; I've made more exceptions than I can count, and I know this is something many of us are guilty of ladies. But not this time. And if you know & love me and see me even pretend to break the rules, I challenge you to call me out! Some times we all need some one to help keep us on the right track.