Monday, November 22, 2010
Rihanna & Nicki Minaj
As much as I truly think I dislike these chics, I can't keep myself from bobbing my head or singing along to every damn song they put out. Rihanna is about as talentless as it gets, but I swear she gets the best pop songs the industry has to offer these days. And I think anything and everything I could have to say about Nicki Minaj has already been said. Fake boobies, nose, booty and all there's something hypnotic about her psychotic persona and 'Cat in the Hat' rhymes.
Misogynistic Hood Music
I'm a Spelman woman. I state that to say there are certain songs I'm not supposed to condone(ie. Tip Drill, She Got A Donk, Beat it Up). However, when the beat drops on these songs all my common sense goes out the window and before I know it, I'm droppin it like it's hot lol. It's like the more the song screams, "next coming to the stage is Mocha Kisses, get those dollas out!" the more I like it!
I don't care if it's Chinese, Indian, Thai, Vietnamese or chicken wings, french fries and mumbo sauce from the carry out; if Asian hands have touched it, I gotta have it. Already this week, I've had Asian food twice and I plan on having it again tomorrow.
Getting A Touch Up
Natural haired women, please don't slay me for this one. I had natural hair until I was 20 years old. Now that I've sampled the creamy crack, I just don't think there's any going back for me. It's not because I think it's easier; there is nothing easy at all about sitting in the hairdresser for 4 hours, I just like the way it makes me feel. Like my soul is glowing or something lol.
Singing in the Shower
If there were Grammys for shower singing, I'd win every award. My shower singing is pretty serious. I'll stay in the shower until my toes and fingers prune up because I've gotten so wrapped up in my shower tunes lol. I never sing though if I know someone is right outside the bathroom.
As in Coca-Cola, not blow lol. Most people who know me know that all I usually drink is water and gingerale but there comes a time, like once every other month when I just get a taste for Coke. Not diet Coke or Coke Zero but the regular, 300 calorie a bottle Coke. It's really odd but when I get the get the crazing, I gotta have it.
Want to know what I'm tuning into while everybody else is getting riled up over Sunday afternoon football?? Wonder no more because I'm telling you right now that it's Snapped. That show is full of pure craziness but I swear my eyes are glued for like 4 hours straight. It's like a real life Law & Order or something.
Veranda in NYC, Chi Cha and Soussi in DC. I have a problem and I'll leave it at that lol.
Noone's under garments should all come from the same place. I mean every single piece I own comes from this one store! It's like I walk in and I just can't help myself lol. The whole PINK line and my new found interest in lingerie(FYI, I only think it looks interesting lol) make it hard for me to resist. AND I absolutely adore their Cheeksters; forget those $18 Hanky Pankies and the Commandos.
Welp, that's all I've got for you guys; at least that's all I'm willing to share. C'mon now, my mother reads this blog lol.
What are some of your guilty pleasures?? Don't be shy!
*This admittance is also a warning lol
Friday, November 19, 2010
"What are you looking for right now?"
I'll admit, the question threw me for a bit of a loop because it wasn't something we had ever discussed before or saw coming. I initially thought of just brushing the questions off and pretending like I didn't know what he meant, but I knew exactly what he was trying to ask me.
This is a question that I've actually posed myself, and every time that I've asked, I knew that what I really wanted to know was "what do you want from me?". All of a sudden I felt what guys all over the world must feel like when a woman throws them off balance with this question. Was this a trick question? Was there a catch depending on my response. I honestly didn't know what to say. My only response was, "I really don't know" and that was the absolute truth.
For so long I thought I knew what I wanted. When I was living in NYC, you couldn't tell me that I didn't want to be on an express train to Marriedville. But now that my life is totally different and every aspect of it is up in the air, that train has just about slowed to a stop.
It wasn't until the other night that I finally realized what it is that I'm actually looking for right now: a bestfriend. I want someone to be there not only in my times of succes but in my times of struggle. Someone to care enough to check and see how my day was, to listen to me and laugh at my jokes. Someone that can answer all my annoying questions about sports and won't mind spending time exploring my favorites places and hobbies. And at the same time, I want to be able to do the same for someone else.
That's not too much to ask, is it?
As I have matured and really come into my own as a woman, I've begun to realize that deciding to be in a relationship with a man should not be a hasty decision. How can I really say I want to be with someone that I hardly even know? I need to be able to get to know someone inside and out. What's their favorite color? Pet peeves? How do they react when someone makes them upset? Do they leave the cap off the toothpaste? You all get what I mean.
In the past I was too quick to say I wanted to be serious with somebody when I hadn't even gotten to know them. I was setting myself up for failure and didn't even realize it. By not developing that friendship first I would end up not getting to see who they really were until things started to fall a part.
So the next time when anyone asks me what I'm looking for... the only response I will have for them is "my bestfriend".
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
And me oh my, was I correct. The film is absolutely amazing, definitely Oscar worthy. I will even go so far as to say that something, which I can't quite put my finger on, is even beautiful about this movie. It may have been the numerous moving sililoques, derived from Shange's work, which are littered throughout the film and flow like an emotional song from the actresses lips.
One of the most scathing reviews I read on For Colored Girls, was written by Washington Post columnist, Courtland Milloy. Throughout his review he bemoans the fact that black men are being bashed in this film and that most recent movies fail to show black men in a positive light. Well, I have one thing to say in response to his critique: this movie ain't about y'all! And the fact alone that Milloy and other reviewers fail to recognize this is exactly the problem. It doesn't surprise me that many negative reviews have come from men. If you aren't guilty, I don't see the point in viciously attacking this film.
The movie, as well as the original work is about the many faces of black female disempowerment. It's not about calling out black men who have abused, cheated on and lied to black women. It is however about calling out to black women and saying that even though your struggle may be different than mine, I hear you. And I call out to you so that we may come together and reclaim the power that so many of us simply give away; "Somebody almost walked off with all of my stuff" anyone??
I ask that not only black women see this film, but black men as well. Actually, I want black men to see this even more. For many women, the stories told in this film are our own so in viewing this piece we are simply watching our stories, our friend's stories, our mother's stories being played out on the big screen. But men, you need to see the different effects that negative & hurtful male actions have had and continue to have on women, some of these being women in your lives. There is no reason why a poem written in 1974 should even still be just as relevant for us in the year 2010 as it was then. Something(s) needs to change.
For Colored Girls does an excellect job of showing the emotional response of women, not only to the pain inflicted upon us by men but the pain we bring into our own lives. If you're simply looking at this movie as a male bashing session, you will totally miss that point. So to the critiques out there who can't see past the fact that this is a Tyler Perry film or that it's a film featuring a majority female cast, my only note to you is to simply get over yourself.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
So this is a clip from last week's episode of House of Glam. It was my first time watching the show but from what I saw it actually seems to be worth watching. But anyway, something about this clip disturbed me.
Here you have this successful business woman, Brandi, who has two kids by and lives with her boyfriend of seven years... *crickets*. Already there is something wrong with that picture but take a look at this clip which features a conversation that occured during a dinner party being held at Brandi's home.
Am I the only one who sees something wrong and just disrespectful about this whole conversation? I'm not even going to delve into the fact that Brandi is only fooling herself if she thinks anyone else believes that she's okay with not being married to this man. There were just so many things that bothered me here: the friend having the audacity to bring up the situation at a dinner party, Brandi's boo being referred to as a king by his friends because he has been allowed to live the married life but isn't married, her boo telling his friends he doesn't want to get married. Too much.
But anyway, watch and discuss folks.
Monday, October 18, 2010
1. What was the best date I had been on?
2. What was the worst date I had been on?
Hmmmmm. Upon reading these questions, I definitely was sent on a trip back through memory lane. My dating history isn't incredibly extensive but I did chance upon some buried memories, especially when thinking about the worst. Once I decided on what they were I figured I may as well tell you all about them too. Since I always like to get the bad news out of the way first here's my worst date EVER!
A couple years ago, while I was still in college, I went out with this one fellow a couple times. Everything was going smoothly when all of a sudden things went horribly awry.
He came to pick me up from campus under the guise of going to the movies. At the last minute, after already telling him I had just eaten dinner, he decides he wants to go out to eat. Again, I reinerate to him that I had already eaten but he insisted. We get to the restaurant and as soon as we sit down he begins pressuring me to order something. Time and time again I let him know that I'm not hungry and am perfectly fine simply sitting there waiting for him to finish. All of a sudden as he finishes up, he goes into a loud tirade about how women should be appreciative of men who offer to take them out and when a man takes them out to eat they should at least order food, even if they aren't hungry. At this point I'm not only embarassed but frightened as well because his tone had turned from friendly to demanding and pushy. I could just see myself ending up on an episode of Law & Order SVU or something. Needless to say, after demanding that I be dropped off back at campus I never spoke to this guy ever again. All texts and calls were from then on ignored and I'm sure he knew why.
Now for the best:
There's actually a tie. The two dates are kind of similar so it's eays to see why it was difficult for me to choose between the two.
Best date #1 occured a couple years ago, one again, while I was in college. I almost don't consider it a date but because time was being spent with a person of interest I think it qualifies. My birthday had just passed and one of my guy friends asked me where he could take me for my birthday. I thought about it for a while and gave a simple response: the Smithsonian. If you know me for real, you know that I have a serious love for museums. Having grown up reading National Geographic, I've always been interested in people, places and history so museums are my go to spot. My friend let me pick the museum and then we literally walked through the entire Museum of American History exploring its many exhibits. As we walked through we discussed what we were seeing and just enjoyed each other's company. There was no dinner, no drinks, and actually no money spent at all. But just knowing that someone was willing to take interest in something I was interested in meant a lot.
Best date #2 is a little more recent than the others. While I was up in New York I went on a first date with a guy. We started out at this cute, trendy restaurant that had some great food. The atmosphere alone made it the perfect date spot. The food was inventive(try cooking thinly sliced beef at your table on a salt rock) and tasty while the vibe was cozy. After finishing up dinner he gave me a couple options for what we could do next(like a choose your own adventure) and since I'm naturally indecisive he told me to just sit back and he would take us to the next destination which he ended up choosing. I was semi-surprised to learn that his choice was Ripley's, you know Ripley's Believe it Or Not. What I always assumed was just a silly tourist trap turned out to be a good time. The same piece of me that likes museums took a liking to Ripley's. It's fun and informative and a great way to break the ice with someone to see what they're really into. This date ended up on the best list partially due to my foodie spirit being satisfied but also because it was creative and different.
Anybody up for sharing their best and/or worst dating experiences? I knowwww you all have some good ones :o)
**If you're a guy that I've dated and one of our dates didn't end up on here; don't be offended! If I didn't insist that you take me home, it means I had a good time lol
Sunday, October 17, 2010
So anyway, enjoy!
For obvious reasons, I'd definitely like to hear the male feedback on this one.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Why didn't things work out? Why didn't he call me? Why doesn't he want to see me? Why did he cheat on me? Why? Why? Why? Why? We drive ourselves crazy wondering why things didn't go the way we planned them out in our heads. It's often not enough for us to just think, "that's life" and then move on. In my opinion, the thought process men possess is nearly the complete opposite; which is something I noticed while discussing the topic with my brother. He feels like women should just be able to chalk it up to experience and move on. I don't feel like it's ever that easy for most women. I'm not one to hold on to situations or most people for that matter; but I do find that I end up going through this same practice of trying to figure out the "why" when things go south.
The quest for the "why" really shows a breach in communication between men and women. Having to pose the question "why" in the first place signals that there are some unanswered questions in the situation. I'm not saying a guy should have to sit down and write a thesis statement on why he stopped calling you, but if he simply & honestly answered the question maybe it would be easier for the woman to let it go and move on. If you found out that you didn't like me like that, tell me. Did I bore you? Tell me. Do I get on your nerves? You can tell em that too. Don't just leave me hanging out to dry.
Why is the "why" even important? I'm sure that's what some(most) of the guys out there are saying since you all are much simpler beings than we are. Well, getting the answer to the "why" can be the beginning to gaining closure. If the guy states why he didn't return your call, why he cheated, why he didn't feel things would work out, all the guessing would be taken out of whether it was you, him, another woman, another man(it's the 21st century people) or some outside source.
Am I the only woman out there who has noticed that we can get consumed by finding the answer to the "why"?
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Living in NYC can be like being on a drug. The city is loud, it's crowded and constantly pulsing with life. The buildings are tall, the lights are bright and there's always something going on. So in leaving NYC after living there for three years, I'm seriously going through withdrawals. I'm having to come down from my 3 year high and I can't say I like the effects. DC is a great city, the type of place that's perfect for having a career and raising a family but as a young adult, it can be a tad bit (dare I say it), boring.
My biggest frustration has come from realizing just how straight-laced DC can be. In just riding the train to and from work I can tell how entirely different this city is. Most of the other riders are wearing suits(only black or navy for the most part). I no longer see the "colorful" transit riders that grace the MTA. While working in my current job which is at a store in DC "fashion district", Georgetown, I've had customers(yes with an 's') tell me that they wouldn't buy certain flashier items because they didn't know where they would wear anything like that in DC. Huh? What is this blue-blooded conservative city I've come back to?
Over the past year, I believe I've experienced a lot of personal growth and development, but I can't say that I was fully prepared for this type of shift. I went from living in my own apartment with 3 roomies, holding down a career driven job, and being surrounded by friends who were having many of the same life experiences I was. Now I'm living back with my parents, working a job that is truly meant to be nothing more than temporary and struggling to get a leg up on what my next step to what successful entrepreneurship should be.
I know that adjusting to this drastically new life will be difficult and take time. But how much time it will take, I don't know. I just know that I have to keep my ultimate goal in sight. Damn this quarter life thing.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
I've always held the belief that being single doesn't end until the day I become a Mrs. But is that the "right" way to look at it?And by right, I guess I mean moral. Honestly, when filling out an application, any application you can name, and the single box comes up, don't you check "single" unless you're actually married?
This topic came up while speaking with one of my friends about whether it was okay to be in a relationship but hold conversations with people of the opposite sex who you may actually find yourself attracted to? Suprisingly enough, my thought is "no harm, no foul". That's like saying you can't have opposite sex friends while in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with simply talking to somebody of the opposite sex, the trouble starts when your mind starts to take it beyond that.
I really think that the bigger issue is that if you feel the need to talk to someone outside of your current relationship, especially someone that you already know peaks your interest maybe the one you're with, isn't actually the one for you. When you get into a relationship, I understand that you don't go blind. You will find other people attractive and that's natural. But when you begin exploring the what ifs, even if it's only in your mind, maaaybe you need to take a step back and reevaulate your current situation.
But then again, let me play devil's advocate in my own scenario. If you're single until engaged/married, shouln't you just be able to do what you want? Meet/talk/get close to whomever you want? See how tricky the whole idea of "single" can be?
Monday, September 20, 2010
Let me cut to the chase, I saw this gathering as a great potential place to find a prospect or two. I mean husbands usually have male friends right? And he did, plenty of them. Too bad they too, were all married. Well, let me not say ALL because there were probably 2 or 3 who were not. I don't mean to generalize but had this party been in NYC, married couples would be the outliers not the norm! Actually, there probably wouldn't have been any married couples at all, MAYBE an engaged pair but that's about it. And no, I'm not being dramatic. Just ask anyone who lives or has lived in NYC.
It honestly shocked me to see so many young, black married couples. I never believed the hype that black people just aren't getting married anymore but when you look at New York City, that's definitely the way it seems. Why is it that the dynamic between these two metropolitan areas is so entirely different?
Is this whatever little bit of Southern charm that's left in DC that doesn't look at settling down as the end of the world? Is DC just so boring that there's nothing else to do but get hitched? Lol. I'm sure that's not the reason, but there has to be something going on here.
Even though I don't know what has young people in DC feeling compelled to jump the broom, it was definitely refreshing to see.
Friday, August 20, 2010
That's right, I quit my job a week ago and decided it was time to pack it up and leave the Big Apple behind. It was a tough decision, one that I know will change my life forever. I mean who leaves the city of dreams, right?? I have no idea whether this move will be for the better or worse but I know it's one I had to make. I have a belief that no one ever achieved greatness by following the rules; well, here I go making my best attempt to capture my greatness.
Moving to New York sort of landed in my lap. I had grown up loving this city and always said I wanted to live here. So when I got the opportunity to interview for an internship at my current company during college I jumped at the chance. After landing the intern position with ease, everything else sort of just fell into place and by October of my senior year in college I knew I would be moving to the city I had always dreamed about. It wasn't until I actually got here that I started feeling like maybe this wasn't where I needed to be afterall. Don't get me wrong, there is no other city in this country and maybe even the world like NYC. The city truly never sleeps and if you're looking for adventure this is the place to be.
But what about when that all gets old? When you no longer care about being able to party until 5 am, when you feel like you're too old to have multiple roommates, and the idea of living above a bodega/gym/bank/etc. for the rest of your life doesn't seem all that appealing? I think this is exactly what happened to me. It was like I woke up one day and came to the conclusion that I wanted so much more for my life than that. I want to get married, have a family, start my own business and have a front and backyard for Christ's sake. And sure I could have all that if I moved to Queens or New Jersey, but why would I really want to do that? That's not why I originally moved here. I ventured here to experience what it really was like to be a New Yorker, not to end up in the outer banks when the city I love started breaking my heart.
When I shared the news that I would be quitting my job and moving away, I got the same question from three different work superiors; "Do you have another job lined up??". And simply the answer is "no". I'm leaving behind a career in which I am gainfully employed, at a time when the economy is recovering about as fast as Whitney is recoverning from crack. Am I crazy? Maybe. But do I regret it yet? No. And hopefully I won't regret it at all. I've decided that I want to be my own boss and take total control over my future. I'm scared and nervous, but there is something inside me that says beyond a shadow of a doubt, I can do this and that I will be successful at it.
Everyone is in your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime and this is the way I look at the past three years I've spent calling New York my home. I know that NYC will continue to be a part of my life, even long after I've passed through the Lincoln Tunnel in that UHaul.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I'd call him Mr. Undateable, but dating is about as far as you'll get with this man. This guy has so many options that dating is the only thing he has time for. Having lived in NYC for the past 3 years, I think I've met quite a few men who fall in this category. What really sparked this topic though was a recent conversation I had with a one of my best guy friends.
Over lunch we both started talking about our New York woes and he proceeds to talk about the women here:
Him: I'll miss the women here.
Me: (quizzical look on my face) Really? Why??
Him: The women here are so desperate.
Me: ... Seriously???
Nothing about this conversation, as transcribed here, surprised me. Well, not really. I'm actually quite used to the idea that the women here, as in many other major cities, are at the whim of male emotion. But to think of these women as "desperate" was a hard pill to swallow. It made me pause and think back on my own experiences, was I ever one of those "desperate" women? Who, even if only for the chance, will stick around and date a guy in hopes that she'll end up as the chosen one. Put that way, yes, I have been.
As my friend went on to explain it, he meets several women every week. Sometimes these women are nothing more than a drink after work, but in other cases they become dates and bed buddies. When you think about it, a couple women every week adds up to be quuuite a few women. And the unfortunate truth for these women, is that probably none of them will end up being the one he ends up with; I mean currently, he's just got too many options.
The more options a man has, the less likely he is to make a decision to be with one woman. That is until he gets tired of the game playing and having to deal with the emotional backlash associated with dealing with that many women at once (I honestly don't see how you guys do it, women are nuts). In my opinion, men who are in this situation often site their reason for not settling with just one woman as being, "What if I meet some one better?". This whole concept is foreign to me. If I meet a guy who I really like, enjoy being around and can see potential in, I'm ready to take steps to see where the situation can go and grow to become. The last thing I'm thinking is, well what if I meet a guy next week who is better than this guy? And that's probably because options for women ar a bit more limited than they are for men, especially in a city like New York.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying quality men are few and far between, but neither I nor my girlfriends meet a couple men a week who we actually wouldn't mind being seen out in public with. That may seem harsh but I'm keeping it real. But with all that said, maybe some of you guys out there who fall in this category can shed some light on this topic. Let's not be shy :o)
Sunday, July 25, 2010
With all of the changes that are soon to take place in my life, these reminders seem to be coming more and more frequently. For the past couple nights I've had trouble sleeping due to my mind racing back and forth, contemplating all the many decisions I have to make. In the midst of my thoughts I realized that I really needed someone to talk to. If it was 7 o'clock in the evening I would have had plenty of options but at 1 and 2 am, my choices twindled down to nearly none. At that point, I would have given anything to be able to pick up the phone, dial up a special someone and say "Babe, I need to talk". Generally these convos only last about 10 minutes and can end in heavy breathing/snoring by both parties, but there is something about them that calms me and sets my mind at ease.
This void has also shown itself in other, lighter spirited ways. Last weekend I had a cookout in one of the local parks to celebrate my birthday. Well, have any of you ever had to transport a full size grill to a park on foot? Not only did we have to move this grill but we also had to carry the food and plates/cups/utensils/drinks etc. And between the legs breaking off the grill and having the grill take an hour and a whole book of matches to light, I definitely ended up throwing an adult temper tantrum or two.
While I appreciate the mental exercise I got that day trying to figure out how two chics can carry a grill plus supplies to the park, I also realized that all of these things would have been much simpler if I had a man around. Granted we got it done in the end and the cookout was indeed a success, nobody should have to work that hard just to have fun.
Seriously, I'm all for the 'I am woman, hear me roar' stance but I still recognize that there are tasks that are just better suited for men to handle; the whole park fiasco being one of them.
In the same vein, I've also realized that there are definitely times where having a special someone to lean on would be an awesome thing to have.
It really is the little things that can make you appreciate having someone by your side and when that someone is no longer there, that's when you think about those things the most. It's not the dates and being able to tell my girlfriends all about the man I have that I value, but more so having someone to rub my back when I'm feeling sick and to pick up the line when I just need to talk.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
This whole time since my birthday I've been trying to come up with something witty and thoughtful and deep to say, and you know what I've got for you all?? Nada. The only thing I could think about is how thankful I am to have been blessed with the opportunity to make it a be a quarter century. I'm even more excited about the things that I have planned for my future and definitely anxious to see where life will take me.
In the next two weeks, I have to make one of the most important decisions I've had to make since I decided on which college to attend. To be quite honest, I think this decision is even more important than that. And I am petrified. My nights are sleepless and my mind is always contemplating the 'what if'. But if there is one thing that I know, it's that if(as my motrher always likes to remind me) I actually have the word which is tattoed on my wrist, "Faith", I will be able to achieve and excel in whatever it is that is in store for me.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
The guy I'm talking about is none other than Drake. Yes, I am referring to the rapper lol. I know I had you guys going for a moment and a few of my girlfriends out there were probably about to dial me up and blast me for not telling them before I put my business out into the blogosphere.
But anyway, there is definitely something about the emotion that he shares with the world through his music. He raps about finding love, familial relationships, and even crying. He doesn't seem to have many reservations when it comes to putting his emotions out there and from what I have heard it seems like the ladies appreciate it (I mean c'mon, this guy said he can't wait to find someone so that he can love her the way he wishes his mother had been loved. Who wouldn't swoon over that??). However, if there is nothing that I know better, it's that there is a fiiiine line between being able to appreciate an emotional man and having that man's emotions get on your nerves. Every woman wants a man who can understand how she feels and respects her emotions but when it comes to dealing with male emotions, the tables often turn. If a guy is "too emotional" (ie. he complains a lot, cries,
I grew up in a household where male emotion was very matter of fact. I knew and still know that my dad loves me, but there was no sappyness, no crying, no excitement, no extreme emotion what so ever from him. While I understand that this is just who his is, it can still be frustrating to deal with. I want to know when you're really happy, or sad, or excited, disappointed. I don't want to have to take a guess and hope I'm right about it. Just like how men don't want to read our minds, we don't want to have to read yours either!
Growing up I also encoutered males who fell into the opposite end of the emotion spectrum and may have been a little too emotional for me. I mean, don't get me wrong there is nothing wrong with having and showing emotion, but I feel the problem arieses when you're unable to control your emotion. It just makes me a bit uncomfortable *cue Chris Brown's break down at the BET awards* because it's not necessarily something I know how to deal with. That said, some of you all may think I have a bit of a double standard about male and female emotional expression, but not really because I honestly can't really deal with women who are this way either.
Is there a happy medium out there when it comes to male emotion? A guy who can express himself when he's feeling some type of way, but doesn't take his emotion to the extreme ends either. As a culture are we still too closed-minded to the expression of male emotion, thus having men feel as if they need to keep the majority of their emotions bottled up? And lastly, are we ladies sometimes still too entrenched in the double standard that says men aren't supposed to be emotional but it's perfectly fine for us to do so?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The woman who really made me think about this is none other than Amber Rose. There is no denying that this woman is gorgeous(I saw her in person and was mesmerized lol) but beyond the perfect body and seamless skin, there is also no denying that she has quite the murky past. I mean c'mon, she's an ex stripper who from what the public has been told has seriously dated women in the past. But "How did she end up with Kanye????" is the question sooooo many women ask. But what we really need to ask is why couldn't she end up with Kanye? And the even bigger question is; should only "good" women be the ones who get to end up with at least seemingly "good" men?
None of us personally know the Amber Roses and Kim Kardashians of the world. For all we know they could be sweet, gentle, attentative women who know how to care for a man. But that's not what we care about when we're asking our girlfriends, "How did she get a man?" "Didn't he see that sex tape??".
While reading one of the blogs I follow, abelleinbk.com, one of the comments made in a recent post about Amber Rose stuck out to me:
"Most of it[contempt for these women] comes from women who feel that they have made all the "right choices" and done the "right things" and someone who hasn't is getting a life they covet-- in some way".
I really had to stop in my tracks when I read this. It does seem like we challenge the position these women are in because we don't see how they could get the life we think only should be reserved for women who walk the straight and narrow. Unfortunately that isn't the way life works. Good things don't just happen to good people.
This applies to more than just women we see in the media, but also those we see everyday. When we're asking each other, "how did she get a man?", I think often we're actually saying, "why does she have a man/that man and I don't?"; whether this is something we really want to admit or not. Unless you really know the woman or man being referred to, why is it even our business how or why they got together? Maybe we should be spending more time focusing on how we're going to ensure we have the life we want and live it to the fullest.
Friday, June 18, 2010
For some reason while sitting in the hair salon this evening it hit me like a ton of bricks that I'm actually a little frustrated with my current state of singledom. Maybe it has a little to do with the fact that like 90% of my friends outside of NYC are coupled up or maybe the fact that blissful couples are using the beautiful weather as an excuse to flaunt their happiness and share it with the world. If I see one more couple kissing on the street I think I might... well, I don't know but it will probably bring a scowl to my face.
I'm not a "hater" or anything remotely close, but I am a bit sour these days about not being able to experience the same things for myself. I'm not trying to get married nor am I trying to get engaged any time soon. But what I do want is somebody to talk to and share my fears with when I'm up late at night worrying about everything but the price of tea in China. Somebody to joke around with and hold me close. I know that's not too much to ask.
Being single can definitely be fun; nobody to ask me where I'm going, who I'm with, and when I'll be back. Wining and dining and having a good time. However, I just don't like casual dating. Don't get me wrong, I like meeting new men; getting to know them and learning about their lives. I just don't like when things meet a dead end and you have to start all over again with someone new.
I was having a conversation with a good friend not that long ago who once thought I was silly for saying that I didn't like dating this way, but she has since come around to understand my point of view here and even agree with it. It takes a lot of effort/energy to casually date and it gets old quick for me. The Cancer in me, not that I believe in astrology like that or anything, is too emotionally giving to constantly be sharing myself with people only to not have much come of the encounters. It truly seems like being a serial dater just doesn't seem to be in my dna.
Or maybe I'm just overreacting out of emotion because it IS a Brown Sugar and Love Jones type of night, and any woman who is a fan of those movies knows exactly what that means.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Yes, I said open marriage. Is there really such a thing? Why is there such a thing?
So lately I've been hearing things here and there about the concept of swinging and open marriages. Catching a clip on HBO Real Sex about a swinging camp really made me just go ahead and write this entry. I'm all down with the unconventional relationship thing. I don't care if you're heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or polyamorous. Honestly, I say do what you do. But what's really the point of being married if you plan on being with other people at the same time? Why not just keep on dating and forget about even putting a title on it?
I started thinking about this topic after the idea of Will and Jada being swingers popped back up following their interview on Oprah the other week, and the topic became a discussion while I was sitting in the hairdresser. I don't know for a fact whether they swing or not, I mean if it works for them, then so be it. They've definitely lasted longer than a lot of other Hollywood couples. But it still made me wonder what the point is in having a marriage where you are committed, by law, to one person but comitted to exploring other people at the same time?
While watching the HBO segment, one of the swingers they spoke with expressed the feeling that it goes against human nature to be monogomous. By being in such relationships we're forcing ourselves to go against our true desires, ie. being able to be with people aside from our significant other whom we find ourselves attracted to. Another swinger even went on to reference how high the divorce rate is and how many people end up divorced because someone ended up cheating due to a lack of communication. Could there be something to this?
Does the current institution of marriage go against our human nature? Would we all be just a liiiittle bit happier if open relationships and marriage were the norm? And how do you deal with jealousy? I mean, it would seem to me that that would be tough to avoid. What may seem like a good idea in the conceptual phase, could become a tough pill to swallow when your husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend falls hard for someone else.
This topic is a tough one to understand for me, but maybe y0u all could offer some insight.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Man after man, argument after argument, these 4 women stuck together through it all. Their lives evolved throughout the course of the series but it seemed that their bond only grew stronger. Are bonds like this between women realistic? Or, are they just made for TV? As women, we can be pretty catty and controntational at times, often letting drama spoil any chances we may have had at creating lasting bonds.
What I've also noticed is that even when we do create close bonds with other women, we're more likely than men are to toss our friends to the side when we find someone that we're interested in being with. I've definitely heard women say, "I'd love to hang out with you all and do this or that, but you know I gotta man now." Why does being in a relationship mean you have to totally stop being around the people who cared about you before he came along? Because the truth is that if things don't work out with that guy, those same friends will be the one's you want to lean on for support.
The older I get, the more I am beginning to realize how important my relationships with the other women in my life actually are. When I was younger, I took many of the people I came across for granted, it's like I thought they would always be there. People came and went, and a lot of my friendships were like revolving doors. As I come to a point where I want to feel settled in life, I actually desire to create healthy, genuine bonds with my female friends. I want to be able to have honest, reliable, non judgemental female relationships. Is that too much to ask?
These dreams be wakin' me up at night"
- Kanye West
I really never thought life would get this complex. I was telling one of my friends a couple weeks ago that it feels like I have a storm cloud brewing inside my head. At this point I'm just hoping that once that storm cloud decides to burst, positivity and understanding rain down. I have so many thoughts and questions about where my life is heading, I literally am beginning to have trouble sleeping. As soon as I lay down, my mind starts thinking about my imminent future.
It seems like everybody I talk to, who's hovering around the 25y.o., range is trying to figure out if where they are right now, both mentally and physically, is where they need to be. So much time is spent mulling over all the questions. Am I doing what makes me happy? Is this where I want to be? If not, where do I want to be? What is my future going to look like? Will I be doing what I love?
One thing I do know, which is what I think challenges me the most, is that I can't spend the rest of my life working in the corporate world. Parts of me are way too free to have to spend all of my days playing by the rules and hoping somebody sees me fit enough to make it to the top. But where does that leave me? Entrepenuership? That sounds so great, but it's so risky. How do I keep my fears from holding me back? I feel like it's so important that I choose the right path now so that I don't end up saying "what-if" or "shoulda/woulda/coulda".
I know you guys see where my dilemma lies. This quarterlife thing is definitely about self discovery. I feel like I'm back in 6th grade again, trying to figure out who I am. I love my parents dearly, but they surely did me wrong for not warning me about this.
Anybody out there feel where I'm coming from? Share.
A little food for thought. This is an oldie but goodie.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth.
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
The Road Not Taken(1915)
- Robert Frost
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
I can't lie, I've experienced this myself. Waiting around in the wings for a guy to decide he's done playing games, done having fun, done hanging with the boys, and is ready to take a leap and settle in for longer than a couple dates. I've watched women wait & wait & wait some more; one of my friends has actually been waiting for 2 whole years for the guy she's seeing to commit. While I think such extremes are an absolute waste of time, I wonder why it is that we wait at all? Are we afraid that if we walk away from the guy who's content with giving us only a portion of himself, we may lose out on experiencing how good things might be with him? Or is the available male to female ratio that skewed in guy's favor that women are "forced" to feel that waiting around is totally worth it?
It seems like the men are out here doing all the choosing, while women are sitting around waiting to be picked. It's kind of like being back in elementary school gym class waiting to be picked for the team. The worst part though is that sometimes you may be the only one out there in the schoolyard and still he's not picking you. Kind of sucks, huh? Maybe this is what "relationship experts" really mean when they say raise your standards. Don't allow yourself to be picked over and pushed to the side all in the name of possibly ending up in the relationship you've fantasized about the whole time you've been waiting. Maybe just maybe it's time for the tables to turn; and no I dont mean start approaching men. However, maybe we need to choose to be smarter about the way we deal with the men in our lives.
The whole time you're sitting around waiting for someone who isn't ready to make the same moves you are, you may be and probably are missing out on other promising opportunities. Ladies, we need to start choosing; choosing to put ourselves and our desires first instead of continuing to be the lady in waiting.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Even though the special was only 30 minutes, ABC attempted to pack in as much as possible. The panelists covered everything from Jimi Izreal's "Denzel principle"(the thought that Black women are out here looking for the perfect, unattainable man) to female intimidation. One topic or idea they covered that I found particularly interesting is men feeling like women pass over the guy with potential in lieu of the one who has already made it.
I, for one, have never had a problem with trusting in someone's potential. Maybe it's because I'm barely 25, that I don't see an issue with dating a man who hasn't yet made it in his profession and doesn't have his own house and a hot car. One of the last guys I dated, had no job at the time and that never once bothered me. Sure it made me hesitate to ask about going out all the time, but I have no problem staying in for an old fashioned dinner and a movie. But what I do know is that there are plenty of women who may have heard "I'm not currently working" and any warm and fuzzy feelings they were having instantly would have shut down. As women we are drawn to men who we think can provide for us and our potential families, it's honestly our nature to be that way. But what if by concentrating on a man's status and material gains we overlook someone who could potentially bring something positive to our lives?
I've always said my only "success" based criteria was that the man I'm interested in have a college degree or have his own business. I don't think either of those are unreasonable. What I've encountered though is that you men out there have more of an issue with getting involved with a woman when you all haven't "made it". It's somewhat understandable. I get that as men you want to feel like you have something worthwhile to bring to the table before you settle down, but what about being able to build together?
As I've gotten older, I've realized that I have some old school thoughts when it comes to love and relationships. And as a part of this mindset, I think it would be desirable to have someone by your side while you're on the way up. Who wouldnt want somebody to lean on when the times get tough? I also think it helps you to know that the person you're with is really there for you and not just for what you can do for and give them.
Am I wrong here? Am I right? I know you all are out there reading, so tell me something! :o)
*You can watch the Nightline special here: http://abcnews.go.com/Nightline/successful-black-woman-find-man/story?id=10355642
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Over the past year and a half, I have had more than 10 people that I personally know, make this proclamation. At the age of 24, I'm just not ready for this! I'm sitting here thinking about all the fun and reckless debauchery I plan on getting into this summer and I'm surrounded by people who are busy having babies.
Don't get me wrong, we are all adults, and if you can take care of a child, by all means do what you do. But the numbers are really throwing me for a loop. There's just like a major influx of babymaking going on these days.
What does bother me though about all this is that the number of people I know who have proclaimed "I'm getting married" pales in comparison. So am I to think that it's easier to decide to bring a child into the world than to decide to commit yourself to one person and make it official? Not passing judgement here, but posing a question. I know some of you all are probably saying, it only takes one act to have a baby and "accidents happen"but what I'm really beginning to wonder, is if accidents really do happen?? With the types of odds I've been seeing, it makes me hesistate to partake in any activity(in this case sex), that has those kinds of odds. Think about it, if you had 10 people tell you they got into car accidents in a short span of time, wouldnt you be scared to drive?
In this age of condoms, foams, pills, and patches it bothers me a bit to think that accidents are occuring so often. If your initial mode of protection fails, you've even got a 72 hour window now to actively do something about it. My only thought these days is that women who wind up pregnant, do so because they want to be pregnant. Which isn't always a problem, but when you're a single woman, why would you honestly wanna do that? According to recent statistics, almost 70% of black children are born out of wedlock, compared to 30% of white children and 35% of hispanic children.* And at the same time 85% of Americans feel that the number of children born to single parents in a "serious issue".*
Crazy right? What is it that has us as a community perpetuating this cycle of having babies out of wedlock? For whatever reason, do we just not see it as a big deal that so many of our children end up being reared in single parent(often single mother) households?
Somebody share your thoughts with me please.
*Stats taken from "Father Facts" (2002)
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
If you don't know me that well, you may not know that I work in an industry that's around 75% female. So basically at any point in the office there is going to be more than one person on the floor who just got married, is engaged, just had a baby, or just found out they were going to have a baby. Honestly it can get a tad bit ridiculous, but I digress.
At the beginning of this week, one of my friends who also happens to be a co-worker, shared the exciting news that she had gotten engaged over the weekend. I for one, was extremely happy for her. I've known her for the majority of the time I've been working for my company and over the past couple years we've had more conversations than a little bit about the ups and downs of men and relationships.
She and her now fiance' met in an unconventional way and after a mere year of dating, he made the decision to put a ring on it. And not just any ring, but exactly the ring she wanted, one she spotted in a magazine a couple months ago. I'm no ring snob, but when you see this diamond, the quality definitely will make you stop and stare for a minute. However, the physical beauty of this ring has nothing to do with the "ring envy" I'm mentioning here. The type of envy I'm referring to comes simply from the act of getting a ring period. Big ring, small ring, three stone, or solitaire; I've noticed that just the sight of any engagement ring brings about a certain change in behavior amongst the single female population.
When a woman gets engaged, everyone congratulates her. There's often shrieking and hugs, and sometimes even tears. But you better believe some of those same women who are so excited(particularly the single ones), are giving their 'congrats' through gritted teeth. It's kind of like when you're in a competition and you lose, you may congratulate the winner but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting to know that it wasn't you who won. So, while she may be happy for her friend, the sight of that ring totally makes her realize just how single she actually still is.
And if the congratulator has a boyfriend who has yet to commit, forget about it. That boyfriend will definitely be getting put through the wringer the next time they speak; I feel sorry for the poor guy just thinking about it. It doesn't matter if they've been together 4 months or 4 years; all of a sudden there will be a need to talk about commitment and where the future of the relationship is headed. Men take this as a warning, if your girl comes home and all of a sudden wants to "talk" about such topics, ask her if somebody she knows just got engaged/married. She may be surprised by how seemingly intuitive you appear to be.
It's almost as if finding out a co-worker or friend is newly engaged sends single women into a mental frenzy. While we may not all openly discuss it, it definitely happens. It's almost like everytime someone else gets engaged, the ticking gets even louder on our biological clock.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
"Lions, Tigers, and Bear" - Jazmyn Sullivan
I have a lot of conversations these days with my friends about relationships. Whether we like to admit it or not, I think it's something on a lot of our minds. This whole quarter life thing apparently has us contemplating our relationship statuses and where we go from here. The convos I've been having range from "why does he/she get on my nerves?" and "why won't they commit?", to "I really think I like him/her". But with all the talking that I've been doing I've started to notice a common thread in why many of us are having a hard time committing and being committed to. The reason: fear.
I'm really beginning to feel like many of us, women and especially men are allowing fear of the unknown to get in the way of pursuing relationships. It's natural to fear the unknown because well, we don't know what to expect from it. I mean who's to say that that woman you're interested in won't break your heart once you make it official? But isn't that part of the game? Being willing to take that risk.
Men spend a lot of time lamenting over women who pass judgement on men based on their prior experiences with them, but I think men are guilty of doing the same thing! I can recall a few times where I've heard guys make generalizations about women, ie. "women are crazy/overbearing/ruthless", all purely based on THEIR experience. When you let things like this get in the way of pursuing someone new, you're just as bad as the woman who has labeled all men as "selfish dogs" just because her last boyfriend did her wrong. Believe me, I'm not saying anything is wrong with being afraid, if you will, but I really wish more guys were willing to admit to it and talk about it.
I honestly can't say that I feel like I'm scared, afraid, or have a fear of falling for someone. Maybe my lack of experience in the realm of love makes me naive; like a little kid who doesn't fear because experience has yet to teach them to.
Monday, March 15, 2010
For those of you who know me personally, did you know that? Have you ever seen even 3 out of the 5? Trust that I'm going somewhere with this.
Over the weekend I had dinner with a male friend. While conversing we discussed the types of people we could see ourslves being with. By type I'm referring to white collar, blue collar, boughie, "hood", straightlaced, a mix etc etc. During the conversation, my friend alluded to the fact that my appearance, the tattoos and my newly dyed hair, may keep me from being able to attract the white collar, college educated, ambitious type of guy. He falls into that catagory and we've been friend for years, so when he further went on to admit that he would hesistate to take me to a company event, all based on my appearance, I was nothing short of astonished and well, hurt.
The look on my face was one of instant and utter confusion. Yes I have tattoos, only two of which are visible at all times, and all of them are small. My hair is cut Halle Berry short and currently a coppery auburn. I personally never gave either of these two attributes of my appearance much thought at all. That was until a couple weeks ago when one of my co-workers, a black male, said my hair was very "urban". And now that I think about it, I have had guys tell me I needed to pump the breaks on my tattooing. Had I slowly and subconsciously been turning myself into someone I'm not? And was that someone keeping me from finding a guy I felt might be compatible with me?
I'm college educated and gainfully employeed. The fact that men may be judging me strictly based off of my appearance totally throws me for a loop. I can't lie, I think we've all been guilty of judging someone solely based off of what we see; however, I never thought that person being unfairly judged would be me.
Friday, March 12, 2010
As I grow up and travel on this road deeper into adulthood, I ask myself a lot of questions about my life. One of them of course being, "Why am I terribly single?". I have really given this a lot of thought. I mean, I'm attractive, smart, funny, caring, ambitious, whitty... I definitely think I have the basics on lock (don't mean to toot my own horn, but *toot, toot*). Finding it hard to answer the question for myself, I've asked some of my good guy friends why they think I'm single. And every one that I asked, who lives here has said, "because you live in New York".
Do you know how tired I am of hearing, you're only single because you live in New York. You better believe I give that comment serious side-eye action everytime I hear it, but is there some truth to it? When I think about women that I went to college and high school with, I am quite the anamoly. Many of those women are in committed relationships, are engaged/married or have a kid or two. And you know what? None of them live here. My girlfriends here, on the other hand, for the most part are single... just like me. I can't think of one female friend that I have who lives in NYC, that's in a committed relationship. I live with 3 other women, and still not a one in a relationship. And believe me, the majority of these women are not single because they are choosing to be but because that's the status that has been chosen for them. Having grown up in DC with parents whose Southern roots run deep, and attending college in Atlanta; the idea of being single at 30, 35 is not something I have envisioned for myself.
Those of you who know me, know that I've been living in NYC for the past 2 1/2 years. I love this city, and have done so since I was a little girl. There's something about the life that pulsates within this concrete jungle that draws me in like a moth to a light. However, since moving here right after college, my relationship with the city has grown to be quite a love/hate affair.
Living here is really like being in a bubble. When people mention venturing away from the city, aside from taking vacations, many people give a "why would you do that?" face. How many different cities do you know of where you have so much culture & entertainment in one place? But aside from NYC being a bubble of sorts, I've also noticed how distinct the New York frame of mind is. For the most part I would say that the men and women who are drawn to this city are dreamers. For those of us who make it past the first year, we know how hard it is to live here. But despite how difficult and frustrating it can be to live here; people stay, in hopes of making it big.
That pursuit of success, whether it's in the field of banking, entertainment, fashion or otherwise; gives people a focus and drive that I've never seen anywhere else in such large numbers. And because everyone who lives here knows that we're all here for a bigger purpose, I think we get stuck in a timewarp type of situation. We, ESPECIALLY THE MEN, don't have time for relationships and "nonsense" like that; at this moment, while we're still in our 20s, NOW is not the time. For relationships and children, there's always tomorrow, today is about making it.
Hence, why my new nickname for this city has become Never Never Land. We hold down jobs and pay bills but that's about as "adult" as it gets. It's not uncommon to encounter a 30+ yo with no spouse, children, or property to call their own. People here date like they're still in college and you know what, it's all good because that's what everyone else is doing. Unfortunately, for a Southern girl at heart like me, that's not enough.
Am I reaching here? Or is the big apple really a big playground for adults who have little time & patience for anything other than attaining success? Maybe I'm just seeing the grass as being greener outside of this bubble I call home.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
& the ugly
I want to know what it's like to care so much and love so hard it hurts. I want the kisses, the fights, the pain. I want to be near the brink of breaking up and make up all over again.
I want it all.
It's been years since I've been in a relationship, and that one was short-lived; I'm getting to the point in my life where I feel like I've really missed out on something by being so single. And it doesn't help that I'm not a serial dater. I'd much rather get to know someone and form a unique, lasting bond with them than waste energy by collecting pieces of men here and there without ever completing the puzzle.
I want to find that person I can uniquely bond with. That person I can get so mad at that I want to scream at them one moment but then be held by them the next. I want to create new memories and lay the foundation for a future.
I want to feel the endless possibility.
Monday, February 22, 2010
When chatting with some friends a couple weeks ago during a conversation about hair, the topic of what we do with our hair when we go to sleep came up. Most of us admitted to either wrapping our hair in some type of scarf or putting our hair up in ponytails/buns. It was only natural that the topic would progess into asking whether or not we wear our hair wrapped men there is male company prsent. One of the women who was a part of the conversation admitted that even though she is engaged and has had over night stays with her man on many occasions, he has NEVER seen her with her hair wrapped. I actually think my face dropped, I mean never??
Having been a serious fan of A Different World, I instantly thought back to the episode where Whitley and Dwayne were newlyweds and Whitley would rise at the crack of dawn before Dwayne woke up just to take out her curlers, brush her teeth, and apply makeup/perfume. All this to give him the impression that she woke up looking just as perfect as she did before she went to sleep. Now this may be extreme, but I think most women do some form of this practice.
My approach; however, has always been to keep it 100. Whenever I've had male company over, friend or otherwise, I ALWAYS wrap my hair. I feel like there's no need for me to pretend like my hair just naturally lays down. The idea of laying down and waking up the same way is cute, but not realistic. I figured waking up with tangled, matted down hair just for the sake of looking cute while we're both supposed to be sleeping is borderline ridiculous lol. Am I keeping it too real?
So my questions for the fellas out there is whether you all actually care how we look when we go to sleep? Do you want us to leave the scarves for nights we're sleepign alone, or would you rather learn about us now before you put a ring on it and all formalities fly out the window?
*I know you guys are out there reading this. You've either told me, or someone else that you do so I would appreciate some participation here ;-)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Essentially the book recommends that women who are single and looking to be married should go for Mr. 8 rather than Mr. 10. Maybe the good guy doesn't have the perfect face, hair, body or personality but that doesn't mean he can't be the one for you. Gottlieb argues that women are less likely to be happy with the idea of settling for someone who possesses 80% of what they're looking for than men are. Which isn't surprising in the least to me. I've always thought that men are more likely to live in the reality of their optons, while women are caught up in our childhood days of watching Disney movies and thus are looking for our fairytale Prince.
While I agree that looking for Mr. Perfect will more often that not, leave you lonely, I don't think anyone should "settle". Maybe it's my interpretation of the word settle, but I feel like settling = future unhappiness. All I can imagine are the arguments that will end up centering around you letting them know that they were never the one you really wanted to be with in the first place. This is why I think it's much more reasonable to say that we should all be willing to compromise instead.
So maybe the guy you find doesn't make 6 figures, but he has a good job that he enjoys, great benefits, and visions of upward mobility... a compromise but definitely not settling. But ladies, let's not think we're the only ones making a compromise. He honestly wanted to be with Halle Berry or Beyonce but since they're both out of his reach, he compromised and was able to realize that the positives in you outweighted your flaws enough to still be able to make him happy.
But honestly, when you're so insistant on getting married that you're willing to end up with someone you don't really want, aren't you just a little too pressed to get married? Good things come to those who wait. Right?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
2. Q: How did you know your spouse was the right one for you?
3. Q: Is there anything you would do differently after more than 80 years of marriage?
4. Q: What is your advice to someone who is trying to keep the faith that Mr. Right is really out there?
6. Q: What are the most important attributes of a good spouse?
7. Q: What is your best Valentine’s Day memory?
Herbert: I said that I was going to cook dinner for her & she could relax - the look on her face & clean plate made my day!
8. Q: You got married very young – how did u both manage to grow as individuals yet not grow apart as a couple?
9. Q: What is your fondest memory of your 85-year marriage?
10. Q: Does communicating get easier with time? How do you keep your patience?
11. Q: How did you cope when you had to be physically separated for long periods of time?
12. Q: At the end of bad relationship day, what is the most important thing to remind yourselves?
13. Q: Is fighting important?
14. Q: What’s the one thing you have in common that transcends everything else?
Saturday, February 13, 2010
For over a week I have heard various people lamenting over the coming of Valentine's Day and what it means or doesn't mean to them. Many people I hear who are anti-VDay, say it's a Hallmark holiday, created just for us to spend, spend, spend. But seriously, what holiday(including birthdays) isn't? What's wrong with choosing to celebrate those people that you love and care for in your life? My theory is that people who are seriously anti the day of love fall into 1 of 3 categories; they are either:
1. alone and don't want to be
3. just plain 'ol cheap
I haven't had a valentine in 5 years and don't have one this year, and still the hopeless romantic in me can't turn my back on VDay. I love the idea of there being a day set aside just to celebrate love. It's like you go out on this day and you can just breath in the happiness as couples of all ages show their appreciation for each other. It's unfortunate that people get so caught up with thinking that to show someone they care, they have to go out and spend a lot of money, that we forget what the day is actually about. It's not about who gets the biggest bouquet or gets taken to the nicest restaurant, but making sure that the special people in your life know just how much you appreciate them.
VDay can be especially complicated for us ladies. No matter what we may say out of our mouths, if we don't have someone to share this day with, we feel some type of way about it. I've already had 2 guys ask me why I don't have a valentine and you better believe I almost snapped on the last dude lol (I mean come on. Why would I know why I don't have a date and secondly what kind of question is that anyway??).
So to my guys out there, let the the women in your life, especially the single ones(even if she really is only a friend), know that you're thinking of them. It could be as small and simple as a text or e-mail saying "Happy VDay, I appreciate you". You never know how much the little things matter. :o)
Happy Valentine's Day Everybody!!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The first tale of love is from my parents. They are truly my inspiration. Enjoy!
My mother and father have been married for what will be 35 years this November. My mother was born in Alabama, and my father in Cleveland, but as fate would have it they would wind up becoming next door neighbors. There is a pretty significant age gap between them, but having been around them for the past 25 years, I think this is what helped their relationship survive in the first place. When they married, my dad had just completed grad school and landed his first real job while my mother was just beginning college. Having a clear idea that being with my father was what she wanted, she chose to leave school and move away from everything she knew to be with him. And that is where their life together began. Thirty-five years, three kids, and one granddaughter later, their love continues on.
I spoke to my dad tonight and asked him what it was that helped him to realize that my mother was the one for him. After all these years, I have never once asked my dad how he felt about my mother and their relationship. He unlike my mother, is not the openly emotional type so I wasn't sure of what type of response I would get. When I asked him what it was that drew him to my mom, his response was, her independent mind. She wasn't afraid to be her own person and voice her opinion. And not only did she have an opinion but it was an educated one; and since my dad was older and more mature this was important to him. He also told me that many of the other women he was surrounded by were too busy trying to dumb themselves down just for the sake of catching a man and that wasn't what he was after- granted this may have appealed to some men, but it obviously was not enough for my father.
Hearing my father's response made me think back to the heated debates I would witness my parents get into from time to time. They wouldn't be going back and forth with petty arguments about who left the toilet seat up or why she wouldn't stop nagging him; but instead about topics surrounding politics and worldly affairs. Eventhough the discussions could get heated, we all knew they were harmless. Their debates were more like embers to keep the flame burning than cracks within their foundation.
If nothing else I have learned from my parents that love is about taking chances, especially when you know that the person you love is worth the risk. It is also about realizing that relationships take work and patience. There are going to be times where my man may get on my nerves because we disagree on something, but at the end of the day I should still be able to say that I love him. And if I can't say that, then he isn't the one for me.
I'm not one to throw out Bible verses like I attend church on a regular basis, but thinking about my parents' love story made me think of this one:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- 1Corinthians 13:4-8
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Last week I made plans to attend a social event I heard about through a blog I read that is penned by Essence relationship editor, Demetria Lucas, who would also be co-sponsoring the event. It wasn't until I was all committed to going that I took a look at who else was sponsoring the social gathering. Low and behold it was a match making site. Instantly I broke out in a minor sweat. What had I gotten myself into?? Having already invited a friend along, there was really no turning back. I decided that instead of getting all nervous, I would see this as a challenge. Honest moment: being in a situation where I'm "forced" to meet new people, especially men, is just nerve-wrecking for me.
As I and my nerves arrived to the event I found out why it was called a "Lock and Key" party. Every woman was given a lock and every man was given a key, or two and throughout the night you are supposed to get to know someone of the opposite sex and see if their key opens your lock. The first 10 "couples" to find each other to be a match won a aproze. There are definitely some sexual undertones here, but I found the concept to be super cute.
As most situations would have it, the women outnumbered the men, naturally setting the tone for men to be the choosers. What a surprise right? But what was actually interesting was the dynamic between men and women, which I think may have a lot to do with why we have such a disconnect. Many of the women were there in groups of 3 or 4 and were huddled in corners laughing and talking amongst themselves. Most of the men on the other hand came alone or if they came with a friend, still chose to mingle solo. I'm not a guy but if I were one, the sight of 4 women with arms folded talking amongst themselves would make me a little nervous and maybe even cause me to decide to approach someone who at least appeared more available. Is this how you men out there feel when you see women in groups like this? Definitely makes me think twice about the way I present myself when I go out.
Having observed this early on, I decided to be the antithesis, if you will, and set out to at least appear as approachable as possible. My friend and I stayed close to each other but not so close we could be mistaken for Siamese twins. And after ordering a lemondrop for the bar, that had more drop than lemon(as my friend put it) I puffed out my chest and put on my best smile. Hey, I've always been told you attract more bees with honey than with shyt. And maybe this philosophy has some truth to it because by the time the night ended, I had a couple more numbers in my blackberry than I arrived with. Does a smile really make that much of a difference?
I guess you all will have to stay tuned to see if anything comes of this, but if nothing else I got in some good practice :-)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I think sex is one of the most important aspects within a relationship. When you're with someone that you really care about, I see sex as being the physical manifestation of all the emotions you have for that person. For women, sex can be so emotional, even when we don't want it to be. It's like something you can deny, deny, and deny some more but no matter what once you have sex with someone there is an attachment that is formed; it's just in our chemistry. This attachment is what makes me question when is the "best" time to decide to have sex with someone? Yes, I know, "when the feeling is right". But what I'm trying to figure out is if sex should come with stricter guidelines and rules to decrease the chances of having things end poorly?
I know that there is no definite answer but it's something that I have been thinking about lately. In Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", Steve suggests women stick to the 3-month rule. No sex, nookie, cookie, none of that for 3 months. While this may be difficult to do, I don't think it's such a bad idea. I'm sure we all have known someone, if not ourselves, who jumped into sex too quickly and ended up getting burned (either figuratively or literally). Waiting can help you build a stronger foundation and really allow you to get to know someone without having the complications sex can bring all up in the mix. But is putting a definite timeline on sex an archaic, out-of-date notion? In this era of instant gratification, it seems like sticking to the 3-month rule may be more difficult than it would have been 20 years ago.
Hill Harper takes a somewhat more modern approach to the idea of putting a timeline on sex. In his most recent book, "The Conversation", Hill recognizes that delaying sex has worked well for some while he has also seen relationships where sex occured on the first night and still blossomed into marriage. It's kind of like you just have to take each situation on a case by case basis and hope the decision you make turns out to be the best one.
I agree with both of these concepts, but what I really want to know is how men feel about this? If you have sex with a woman early on in the relationship does it effect the level of respect you have for her? And what about the women who make you wait, does it all boil down to how interested you are in her whether or not you choose to stick around? And lastly, ladies do you prefer to make 'em wait to see if they are really in for the long haul or do you just go with your gut?
Comment, comment, comment! I really wanna hear from the fellas on this one.
Monday, February 1, 2010
For many of us in this generation of 20somethings, we grew up in single parent households spearheaded by strong women. More than likely she made it very clear to you that you don't need a man for anything; anything he can give you, you can get for yourself. And from this, many of us have taken to heart the idea that dependence upon a man is a hinderance to our success and well-being. Why can't you be successful in life and also find comfort in knowing that you can find someone who you will be able to rely on that won't take advantage of you? Life to me is a two person job. Sure you can do it alone and people do, but do you reeeeeally want to??
Too bad we've become so busy with asserting our independence that we forget that men actually like to feel wanted and even needed. If we were meant to be totally indepedent, self-sufficient beings; we'd all be asexual and feelings of loneliness and longing wouldn't even be a part of our psyches.
I really have come to think that so many of us are single because of our own doings. I doubt that there are many men who want to hear you tell them that you can do bad all by yourself and that you don't need him. If that's the case, you should be perfectly content with being alone for the rest of your life. There is no reason for you to have to climb the ladder to successs alone. We can all benefit from a helping hand or nudge especially if it's from someone who genuinely cares.
I don't think women are the only ones guilty of this though, I think men can be the same way.
Am I on to something here? Or am I 100% wrong? Somebody let me know...
Sunday, January 31, 2010
"Good" is one of those relevative terms, so what I think is good may not be good to some one else. I've never really said that I wanted a "good man" though, I do want a man who is honest, committed, funny, intelligent, kind, and driven. Many of those characteristics make up what many would think is a good person period. However; I think what most of us, when we say we want a good man, are really saying we want a man who will do as we want him to.
We want someone who is going to be the Prince Charming we always read and dreamed about. He would come sweep us off our feet and be ready to commit exactly when we we're ready. Unfortunately though, like ourselves, no one is perfect. So when we start talking about finding a "good man", we need to keep that in mind. And at the same time we need to be good women! How're you going to find your ideal mate, if you're all messed up and rotten inside. The right person, will come at the right time and sometimes that isn't until you've gotten yourself together and well...right! Maybe that's what I should start saying... I'm looking for the RIGHT man for me. I think that's much more identifiable than "good".
What do you all think? Is there a such this a good man? If so, where are they since it seems like so many women can't find them?
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
1. She only wants you for what you can do for her
Ladies, it's our nature to look for a man who can protect and provide for us. But let's not overemphasize the "provide" element. Particularly around this age, many guys are still trying to find their niche and build up their empire. If they see you're more interested in getting in their financial benefits than getting to know them for who they are... you may surely get dismissed.
2. Shady sexual history
Had or have an STD or two? Got more than a few skeletons hanging in that closet? I had a couple guys tell me that a woman with a shaky sexual history is a definite no no. Sometimes we may think men care a lot less about our sexual pasts because of their own "adventures". Call it a double standard but unfortunately we should be used to that by now.
3. She hates men
As women in the dating game, we've all had our share of heartbreaks and headaches but honestly, no man that you're currently dating wants to hear about all your issues with men. He doesn't need nor want to know about how you think all men are dogs/liars/cheaters etc. More than likely he'll start wondering if you hate men so much, what are you doing with him?
4. You don't know how to let a man be a man
Sometimes we need to throw all that independent mumbo jumbo to the side. Men like to feel needed. He doesn't want to know that you can do everything on your own and don't need him for anything. If you can do it all on your own, what are you trying to keep him around for? Let him pay for dinner without you offering, open the door for you, take command every once in a while. I think it helps to show that you trust him to do right by you.
5. Trying to change a man
I don't even think there's a need to elaborate on this one. Men don't like to be changed and more than likely, you won't be able to change them. So if he's not what you want, move on and find it.
What are other dealbreakers fellas?
Saturday, January 23, 2010
One example of the waiting game is when you like a guy, and he likes you, and you all decide you're going to date. So you date...and you date, and you date for months. And those months turn into a year and that year grows into a year and a half and so on. And still you are just dating. I don't know one woman who would merely date a guy that she genuinely was interested in and not want to make things official. I've heard women who are in this dating game say things like, "He says he doesn't want a girlfriend and even though I want him to be my boyfriend, I'm fine with us just dating." 4 words ladies: STOP LYING TO YOURSELVES!!
I was in exactly this type of situation a couple years ago. I can definitely say I was never 100% okay with after spending over 6 months dating, just being the woman he's dating. And you know what happened after that extended period of dating? He stopped dating me and a couple weeks later made someone else his girlfriend. I'm not trying to say that that is what is going to happen, but I have heard more than a couple stories about women who were waiting in the wings for their man to propose and instead they ended up breaking up and a mere couple months later their ex ends up engaged to someone else!
The bottom line here is really, when a man tells you he isn't ready for something that you wholeheartedly know you want, find the courage to walk away. If I have learned nothing else, when a man is ready, he will be all in and willing to take any plunge (whether it's making the move to girlfriend/boyfriend status, or deciding to pop the question). You can't convince someone that they want to be with you or marry you, and time more than likely will not push him closer to doing what you want. Haven't we all learned that you can't change a man!
To the men out there reading this, please don't be like these selfish guys in this situation. Men are just as guilty here. For the men that have been in this situation, what made you choose to keep stringing the woman along instead of walking away?
How many of you ladies have ever been in this situation? Or maybe still are?
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Society teaches us that men are sexually driven beings. They enjoy sex and have sex with multiple partners, with little to no scrutiny. Women on the other hand are supposed to be "virginal" even if they aren't. Let me explain. Even when a girl has had sex, aside from her closest friends, she isn't likely to make her sexcapades public knowledge. For we all know, if she did, most people would turn a judgemental eye and start calling her all types of hos, sluts, etc. Even in relationships; no man wants to think about his woman being with another man before him but most women hope their man has had some practice and knows what he's doing before crawling between her sheets. No matter how far we've come in equal rights for the sexes, double standards still exist.
Now back to the Tiger discussion.
Tiger had affairs with several women, okay, more than a dozen women over the course of his marriage and some before that. From waitresses, to bartenders, to porn stars and prostitutes. Tiger was sleeping with them all. What is it that pushes this situation beyond a man who couldn't keep it in his pants, to someone with a genuine problem? Some would argue that he doesn't have a problem at all, it's all just a great PR move (that was my mother's opinion).
It's not my place to determine whether Tiger has a sexual addiction or not but I defenitely think that people can be addicted to sex, just like people can be addicted to anything else that puts them in a blissful state. It would just be interesting to know how far does someone have to go for it to become an addiction? Humans naturally think about sex on a regular basis, on average 9 times a day (men 13 times a day, women a mere 5... not a surprise). What if you thought about having a drink or taking a drug that many times a day? You would have been in rehab a long time ago. So what makes someone a sex addict and not just someone who lacks self control and is thus over indulgant from time to time? Do you have to be sleeping with the bottom of the barrel, no offense to the porn stars and prostitutes out there, before someone says you have a problem? What if that's just the preference?
These are all just a bunch of questions, I'm sure there are no concrete answers but I'd like to see where you all weigh in on this issue.