Thursday, January 27, 2011

Maybe I...

I figured I would post something a little different. Here's a poem I wrote while suffering from cabin fever in the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe I
Maybe I should forget that we ever… even… met
I should sit and pretend that the pain lying within is a figment of my wildest imagination
As if all that time wasted was merely a misguided, mythical creation
Like a dream or better yet a nightmare that was only meant to scare, me into waking up and making the right decisions
An inception meant to lead me in the opposite direction; away from you
Maybe I could replace your face with an empty grey space while working to erase any trace that you’ve left behind
And in your place I would plant memories of laughter and happiness pulled from the corners of my mind
Save myself the “should have, would have and could haves”
Because I didn’t and wouldn’t and couldn’t have acted any differently than I did back then
I just hate having to rehash this thing again… and again
Playing it all back in my head like for some reason, this time, things will come to a less bitter-sweet end
So maybe instead of merely pretending I never met you I’ll take the steps to forget you
I’d rather do that than have to confess and say
That I regret the day I ever met you, let you in and hoped you’d stay

Saturday, January 8, 2011

You Are What You Eat

No, this isnt a post about food. I guess a more fitting title would have been, "You Are Who You Meet", but that didn't sound catchy enough for me. Anywho...

One of my friends (Hey Kourtney!) brought up a topic which I definitely thought was interesting enough to write about here. To paraphrase, she heard someone saying that they felt that you are who you attract and that if you desire to be in a relationship but are entering the situation with fear and/or limited confidence those feelings will manifest themselves.

At first glance, I didn't agree with this but once I reeeeeally thought about this, I felt like the aforementioned is dead on. Whether we realize it or not, we sense each other's emotions/each other's auras if I may dare to have a "flowerchild" moment. For example, if someone has a weak aura that lacks confidence, they will more than likely draw in people who not only also have weak auras but lack that same confidence and thus the two will spend their whole relationship feeding off of each others insecurities.

I don't agree with the theory that opposites attract; they do attract but rarely are they successful at staying together. The same goes for people who are exactly the same; eventually someone is going to get tired of looking in the mirror everyday. I do however think that in successful relationships, the two people need to compliment each other. Kind of like puzzle pieces; the two entitites are different but they end up fitting together because one piece has the missing parts that the other needs in order to be completed.

Looking at the successful relationships that I know, this is most often the case; my parents included. My mother has a more outgoing, somewhat in your face personality while my dad is much more subdued and laid back. They both needed each other to balance themselves out. Somebody has to be able to calm my mom down and someone needed to be able to save my dad from spending every waking hour reading newspapers and magazines. I guess my theory is akin to that of the yin and yang.

I also thought about myself here. I believe that I would totally enjoy being in a relationship right now but honestly, that's probably not the aura I currently give off. I think about my recent response to being asked THE question, "Why are you single?" and my immediate response (aside from a mini tantrum in my head) was that I'm focusing on figuring out what I need to do and where I need to go with my life. Thinking back on that answer, I really had to question the fact that that actually came out of my mouth. How can I say I'm ready and willing to work on getting to the point where I can say I want to be in a relationship with someone if I don't even have me together?

Now don't get me wrong, I don't think I have to be completely settled and together to be with someone, but if I'm giving off the vibe that I'm not ready to spend time exploring what it would be like with someone else, how can I hope to attract a guy who is ready for that? I think about the past couple guys I've talked to, they were all good, possibly great guys and one day they will make someone very happy but none of them were ready to be in a real relationship. For a while I wondered if it was me, maybe I was doing something wrong. But after spending time thinking about this theory, I now see that it isn't "me" in the sense that I need to improve on my personality or change my look, but it is "me" in the sense that my aura is all wrong.

No one really wants to be in a serious relationship with someone who's life is in limbo. I know I would have my own reservations about it, so how can I expect someone to look at me with my life in somewhat of a quarter-century life disarray and say, "hey, I'll take on the challenge". Granted, that would be great, but most guys and people in general don't have that much patience.

So since we all know that you are what you eat, maybe I'll go ahead and get on a "focused and optimistic" diet.

Thoughts anyone?

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I Resolve To...

After a month long(+) holiday hiatus, I'm back and better than ever!

Welcome to 2011 folks! It sounds crazy just to say that. Of course with the arrival of December 31st, came the outpouring of resolutions and vows we have promised to keep over the course of the year. So many of us make these outlandish resolutions that we know we probably have no plans to keep.

Let's be serious, we are probably making the same promise, just in different verbage, that we made to ourselves and failed to uphold last year. "I'm going to lose 15 lbs." "I'm going to stop smoking/drinking so much." "I'm going to be a nicer person." (-_-) That was the "side-eye" face just incase you aren't in the know.

I've decided that instead of making a resolution that I know I have no intentions of keeping just because it sounds good to say, I would make one that really means something. Here it goes:
I resolve to be the best me for not just myself, but also my family & friends. Honestly, I love this resolution and I love it because it truly is so general that you can't help but accomplish it. I've even further broken it down into several sub-goals that would help me satisfy this year's goal. Truth is, I may not fulfill all of these and sometimes I may be lead astray but if I can just keep these in my head I know I'll at least be on my way.

1. Volunteer
On Christmas morning just past, I spent 3 hours volunteering in the DC Central Kitchen. I had never heard of this organization until I went in search of a good deed to perform for the holidays. DC Central Kitchen prepares hundreds of meals each day for the city's homeless and needy; however, it's not your average soup kitchen. Volunteering at this org. didn't mean ladeling soup and passing out turkey. I along with my syblings and fellow volunteers, chopped meat and vegetables, picked greens and even helped to actually cook some of the items that were going to be served. After having such a positive experience here, I've decided that once I obtain a position that frees up my weekends, I will spend at least one Saturday morning a month volunteering there.

2. Minimize my "woe is me, I miss New York" antics
Yikes! This will probably be the most difficult hurdle for me to jump over, so if it takes me until about May or so to do, don't say I didn't warn you. DC is not New York, it never will be. But I suppose that's the beauty of the DC (see how I gave that a positive spin, I'm really trying here). Back in August, I made a tough life decision and the truth is that I actually don't regret it. I do however think that my expectation for how quickly I would feel settled and have my new life up and running were quite unrealistic. I haven't lived in DC fulltime since 2003. The city has changed, my friends have changed, my family has changed and most of all, I've changed. So for me to expect that things would simply fall back into place was unfair to me and this experience as a whole.

3. I will not let men cloud my judgment
This one is pretty self-explanatory. I'll admit that at times, I allow the wool to be pulled over my eyes. But don't get it twisted, I know when it's happening and I'm not stupid. I'm a single woman who has lonely moments and sometimes I just like to play along. I am promising myself that I will no longer allow those men who are sometimey and full of air to have any place in my life. Such actions put me in a bad headspace and a bad mood, thus effecting my ability to be the best me possible. If you never check to see how I'm doing or initiate conversation with me, like to play games, want to treat me like a yo-yo, or practice any other foolishness akin to the aforementioned, you have officially been erased. Buh-bye.

4. Try something new
I would love to travel abroad, go skiing, go skydiving, take Samba and pole dancing lessons, sing infront of a crowd and learn to speak fluent Spanish with Rosetta Stone. The likelihood of all those things happening in the next 358 days is highly unlikely. If I do just oooone of these things I really feel like I can check this one off. Experience is not just the best teacher, but it also helps you grow. I want to try new things in order to broaden the scope of who I am.

5. Curb my spending habits
I'm not going to say that I'm going to stop shopping cold turkey, because quite frankly I'm not. However, I will vow to shop less. The more digits I see in my bank account, the happier I am. This may mean that that Alexander Wang bag I've been eyeballing at Barney's Co-op may just have to stay on the shelf (at least until it gets marked down, ha!).

6. Be a better blogger :o)
I, Diana, do so solemnly promise to be a better blogger. I will try my best not to go on any more month long hiatuses and keep my posts updated and fresh. If there's something you all would like to see me write about or maybe you wish I did something on here differently, just let me know. I'm always open to suggestions.

So this is my New Year's resolution broken down into pieces. What's yours??