Let's talk about sex for a minute. This may be the first time, but it surely will not be the last.
I think sex is one of the most important aspects within a relationship. When you're with someone that you really care about, I see sex as being the physical manifestation of all the emotions you have for that person. For women, sex can be so emotional, even when we don't want it to be. It's like something you can deny, deny, and deny some more but no matter what once you have sex with someone there is an attachment that is formed; it's just in our chemistry. This attachment is what makes me question when is the "best" time to decide to have sex with someone? Yes, I know, "when the feeling is right". But what I'm trying to figure out is if sex should come with stricter guidelines and rules to decrease the chances of having things end poorly?
I know that there is no definite answer but it's something that I have been thinking about lately. In Steve Harvey's book, "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man", Steve suggests women stick to the 3-month rule. No sex, nookie, cookie, none of that for 3 months. While this may be difficult to do, I don't think it's such a bad idea. I'm sure we all have known someone, if not ourselves, who jumped into sex too quickly and ended up getting burned (either figuratively or literally). Waiting can help you build a stronger foundation and really allow you to get to know someone without having the complications sex can bring all up in the mix. But is putting a definite timeline on sex an archaic, out-of-date notion? In this era of instant gratification, it seems like sticking to the 3-month rule may be more difficult than it would have been 20 years ago.
Hill Harper takes a somewhat more modern approach to the idea of putting a timeline on sex. In his most recent book, "The Conversation", Hill recognizes that delaying sex has worked well for some while he has also seen relationships where sex occured on the first night and still blossomed into marriage. It's kind of like you just have to take each situation on a case by case basis and hope the decision you make turns out to be the best one.
I agree with both of these concepts, but what I really want to know is how men feel about this? If you have sex with a woman early on in the relationship does it effect the level of respect you have for her? And what about the women who make you wait, does it all boil down to how interested you are in her whether or not you choose to stick around? And lastly, ladies do you prefer to make 'em wait to see if they are really in for the long haul or do you just go with your gut?
Comment, comment, comment! I really wanna hear from the fellas on this one.
Ms. Dyanna Lynn at times I feel you are in my head… This is something that has been on my mind. I have the issue of dealing with men and letting them know that they should not expect to have sex with me, because it’s not going to happen. I figure why not let them know up front. This leads them losing interest. I am not a man but I think that they are so use to women just giving up the goods when they meet them that they don’t know what it is like to have a women do something different. I have heard men talk about how they have told women “well if you don’t do it, know that someone else will”. I think men like the idea that a women is not willing to just give it up so quickly, but figure why should they not be having sex because she wants to wait and that’s when then get it elsewhere. I personally feel if you can’t respect my decision to wait then I don’t need you in my life. I’m not about to just give in to keep you interested or because I don’t want you to go get it from some other girl. This may be why I am single :( Men are so impatient, the wait may not be that long but most don’t wait around to see. It’s a struggle nowadays because sex is so accessible. I really hate to put it that way but it’s the truth.
ReplyDeleteI'd have to agree with you. I kind of look at the sex issue like a double-edged sword at this stage in our lives. It's like you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. I hate to reference reality tv in a post but it makes me think about the Ray J reunion and his whole situation with Jaguar. He got rid of the girl because she wouldn't be phsyical with him like the other girls were but at the end of the day was kicking himself in the ass for it.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I think some men are just confused and selfish. Not much else to it.
So here's a little more than two cents...
ReplyDeleteWaiting until you are comfortable is not a bad thing. If you are not prepared to have sex at all then that is fine. However, that is not a topic that needs to come up on the first date/upon meeting/etc. If both parties are mature then the dating process will happen organically and when that topic comes up then you can broach it. Telling a guy "up front" that you are not interested in having sex with him is a great way to push him away. And that is not because he is only interested in sex. On the contrary, it makes you seem inflexible and standoffish. You're assuming that he is checking to see if you are "putting out". True, many men are interested in sex but the early notice can come across as preemptively uninterested. That's the difference. Having chemistry established and saying "I want to wait, not because of you" is very different from "I don't care what happens with us, you are NOT getting any!" Feel me?
On the subject of "how long is too long" I'll say that you should not pick a timeline because someone told you to. Everyone should have a personal and important reason for making a decision about sex. If your rule is "it has to take 3 months" and you can't explain if he happens to ask "why?" then you should rethink your rule. Arbitrary numbers don't make sense and we will see that lack of sensibility. I don't need a woman to compromise her own convictions for me but I want her to have some sort of thought process behind it. Waiting just for the sake of waiting...well that's just silly. Don't be a follower; be yourself. Like the saying goes "if everyone else is jumping off a bridge..." :)