What I'm Looking For

A couple weeks ago I was talking to one of my guy friends and out of the blue he posed the following question:

"What are you looking for right now?"

I'll admit, the question threw me for a bit of a loop because it wasn't something we had ever discussed before or saw coming. I initially thought of just brushing the questions off and pretending like I didn't know what he meant, but I knew exactly what he was trying to ask me.

This is a question that I've actually posed myself, and every time that I've asked, I knew that what I really wanted to know was "what do you want from me?". All of a sudden I felt what guys all over the world must feel like when a woman throws them off balance with this question. Was this a trick question? Was there a catch depending on my response. I honestly didn't know what to say. My only response was, "I really don't know" and that was the absolute truth.

For so long I thought I knew what I wanted. When I was living in NYC, you couldn't tell me that I didn't want to be on an express train to Marriedville. But now that my life is totally different and every aspect of it is up in the air, that train has just about slowed to a stop.

It wasn't until the other night that I finally realized what it is that I'm actually looking for right now: a bestfriend. I want someone to be there not only in my times of succes but in my times of struggle. Someone to care enough to check and see how my day was, to listen to me and laugh at my jokes. Someone that can answer all my annoying questions about sports and won't mind spending time exploring my favorites places and hobbies. And at the same time, I want to be able to do the same for someone else.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

As I have matured and really come into my own as a woman, I've begun to realize that deciding to be in a relationship with a man should not be a hasty decision. How can I really say I want to be with someone that I hardly even know? I need to be able to get to know someone inside and out. What's their favorite color? Pet peeves? How do they react when someone makes them upset? Do they leave the cap off the toothpaste? You all get what I mean.

In the past I was too quick to say I wanted to be serious with somebody when I hadn't even gotten to know them. I was setting myself up for failure and didn't even realize it. By not developing that friendship first I would end up not getting to see who they really were until things started to fall a part.

So the next time when anyone asks me what I'm looking for... the only response I will have for them is "my bestfriend".