During a heated discussion with a guy I once dated, he told me that he and I could never be together because he didn't feel a "spark" when we first met. Even though this conversation took place over a year ago, I still remember that statement because it was one of the most confusingly hurtful things I had ever been told. At this point I had known this guy for over 3 yrs and we had gone through quite the rollercoaster ride together, but the worst part was that he not only told me he didn't feel a spark with me but that he had felt one with his ex-girlfriend which is why he had decided to be with her and not me. Seeing as he and the girlfriend had just broken up, you would think that would be an indicator to him at just how full of bs this notion of "the spark" actually is.
But with that long anecdote aside, what exactly is "the spark"? And when do you feel it? Is it that warm feeling that you get when you first meet someone that you're attracted to? Is it something that you can feel for several people? I've had a couple conversations over the past week, discussing possible answers to these questions, and the conclusion that I've come to is that what most people refer to as "the spark" is most often nothing more than lust.
My dad reads the Date Lab* column in the Washington Post magazine every Sunday and it never fails that week after week couples who admit having a great time with one another end the column by saying "there just wasn't a spark". So you enjoyed this person's conversation, they made you laugh, you had things in common but because you didn't feel "the spark", you won't go out on a second date with them? Am I the only person that's confused by that?
It's kind of like, we've gotten so into the instant gratification aspect of the 21st century that we forget that some things, ie. genuine lasting feelings, don't always hit you as soon as you meet someone. I like to think of good relationships like I do my friendships. I have some friends that when we first met, my only thought was "who the hell does this chic/dude think she/he?", but because there was something about them that peaked my interest, a friendship was able to form and blossom.
Too many people think good potential relationships have to begin with an instant spark of sensual feeling; like if I don't think I could sleep with you love you right now, I definitely won't in a couple months or years. We've become so side tracked by lust, which I definitely think is more of an instant and often fleeting feeling, that we no longer seem to have the patience it takes to form successful relationships. Can we really then be surprised by the high divorce rates and relationship failures of today?
I may just be speaking out of my ass but let me know what you guys think. What do you all think, is "the spark" real or just a figment of our adult imaginations?
*Date Lab is a column where The Washington Post sets up singles of all colors, ages & orientations on blind dates and then reports on their experiences for our entertainment.
In college, my idea of "the spark" was lust. The sexual attraction and how long that could possibly last. But college was merely an experiment of what types of guys work for me and the ones that don't, and how I can really build a promising relationship on a real friendship and trust. That wasn't until my current relationship. --trying to make this short, but I feel like "the spark" didn't come until our first date, which was three months after we started talking. It wasn't sensual, but it was that warm feeling of admiration and appreciation for a man who genuinely cared about me, my feelings, and wanted to help heal my broken heart. That was "the spark." And I didn't realize it until spending more time with him that the feeling became more common.
ReplyDeleteFrom my experience and being with one man for over two years, I have experienced "the spark."