A Million Little Pieces

2011 has truly been the year of introspection and self analysis for me. I've always been one who thought way too much and too hard about the things that happen in my life, but this year took it to a whole other level.

"Who am I?" "Where am I going?" "Why am I here?" "But, why did that happen" "Why can't this person be in my life". Why, why why... why why. Just too much. During a recent session of self-loathing, a lightbulb went off. Instead of looking at the past year and wallowing in self pity about why it might be that I'm not where I feel I should be, I've decided to assess how I got to be who I am and where I am. For example, let's take the ever-present question: "Why am I single?". Answer: I'm single because I'm seriously not ready to bring a man into my life, as is. As much as I want a warm body to lay next to, subconsciously, I know that I need work. As I said the other day on twitter(DyannaLynn if you don't already follow me), I don't have to be 100% complete to be in a relationship but I can't be in a million little pieces either. And right now, that's exactly where I am. Shattered on the ground, in jagged fragments. And I've decided that that's okay because I can never figure out what's going on with me as a whole if I don't address every piece of me.

My recent dating history is...interesting. It makes for some great laughs and brunch conversation but at the end of the day none of my suitors, although some have gotten close, have made it for the long haul. And as much as I want to blame them for each and every mis-step, I can't.

I hate sharing emotion (you can't tell from this blog, right?), I feel it leaves me too vulnerable. And while that may work in helping to protect myself from getting hurt, it also keeps me from being open to receiving love. I can't remember the last time I told a man that I liked him unless it was a part of an attempt to not get him to walk away. And that isn't because I didn't like any of the guys I dated, I did. I just didn't want to be the one to say it first and run the risk of not hearing it back. And for these same reasons, I'm not affectionate either. The last time I curled up under a man and whispered in his ear? Who knows. Anything and everything that could show a man that I was interested in him, I wasn't interested in doing because I just knew I would wind up looking stupid. I wasn't thinking about the fact that men need to feel wanted & needed. By not being open to sharing my emotion and passion with men, I actually had feelings for, I'm pretty sure I cold-shouldered my way down a continued path of singletude. Leaving the door wide open for women who were willing to say and do what I didn't know how to allow myself to.

Now that I've begun to address this piece of me, will I be able to change the way I operate going forward? The honest truth is that I don't know. I can only hope that these million little pieces somehow, someway, some time soon come together and leave me with a fuller self that is more focused, confident and willing to take a chance. Only time will tell
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