While having drinks with some of my fabulous friends today it was only natural that the conversation eventually turned to relationships and finding the one. Out of the 4 ladies at the table, only one of us is in a relationship, excuse me, marriage. While discussing everything from interracial dating, to the effect a bad experience can have on your outlook, my married friend brought up an interesting point of view.
Let me first debrief you on my dear friend. The only guy she has seriously dated is her now husband. This November will make 10 years of them being together, and at the ripe old age of 23, that is FOREVER! Because of that reason, I often jokingly remind her that her opinion on being single is totally irrelevant because she knows nothing about it.
During our conversation she shared her theory on why she thinks some of her friends are single. She finds that those female friends who come from a two-parent household are for the most part single, and that the reason being is the insurmountable list of expectations they have for the men they hope to one day share the rest of their lives with. These expectations are formed as a result of the experiences we had while growing up watching our own parents. Is it now our fault for wanting what we saw our whole lives?
My friend went on to explain that her friends who came from "broken"* homes for the most part are in relationships; is this because their expectations are limited due to there being no basis for them to measure by?OR: I look at it this way, in life you either become what you know or you try your hardest to work against it. This makes sense in the case of those coming from "broken" situations. Those individuals will either try their hardest to be everything their parents were not or they can fall prey to cycles of brokenness (ie. generations of teen moms and dead beat dads).
Judging by my friend's theory, are women and even men from healthy 2-parent households destined to be disadvantaged because of their possibly jaded life experiences?
I don't have a conclusion to this, just more and more questions. Hopefully as I continue on this journey the answers will begin to roll in but until then I'd love to hear your responses/thoughts on this.
*I hate using the word broken, it just sounds so negative. If someone has a better way for me to describe it, please let me know!
As I think about it, it makes since. I feel like coming from a "broken" home the way I am in relationships is kind of the way I wish guys would have treated my mother. As a youngster I saw my mom in bad relationship after bad relationship and it kind of molded me to make sure I was nothing like the guys my mother dated.
ReplyDeleteFirst let me start by saying that those of us who come from two-parent households are not jaded in any way, shape or form. It is how it is SUPPOSED to be. If we are jaded for wanting to have a strong family structure or standards, then I feel that it is a sad day for our generation.
ReplyDeleteI don't feel like we are destined to be disadvantaged at all. What I do think is that as young, cosmopolitan adults, we are not always surrounded around others who have had similar life experiences (i.e. two-parent homes) so when we enter the dating world, more often than not, that guy or that lady may not understand or know the importance of what it is to be in a committed relationship because they have never had the experience. Let me make clear that I know this isn't everyone as evidenced by the young man who previously commented and our married friend, but in my experiences, this has been the exception and not the rule.
I defintiely applaud you Rod for being what you wish you had seen and not what you actually experienced. I wish everybody could see it that way!
ReplyDeleteIn response to Mecc, I think having everyone be from different experiences and backgrounds is really what makes it complicated. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just try and date someone who had a similar background bc they for the most part will understand where you are coming from. Both of my parents came from "broken" backgrounds and have had 34 yrs. of success and I think that can be partially attributed to the fact that they both knew they didn't want for their family what they experienced.
I TOTALLY agree that dating someone who had a similar life experience would be a lot easier...but that is the issue! LOL. It seems that those that come from a similar background are few and far between at least in our generation. And it is the exact opposite for my parents. They both come from two-parent homes so I dunno...goes to show that it isn't really a cut and dry issue.
ReplyDeleteThe whole topic is very perplexing. I have seen many women that come from 2-parent households that are in relationships that are filled with lies, cheating and deceit. There is a particular relationship that comes to mind. I know a person that grew up in a 2-parent household and that is what she wants in her future to be married and have a family. Sadly she wants this so bad she is willing to deal with a man that treats her bad. Her want of that family picture outweighs her good judgment. I can say since I came from a single parent home I know what I do want in a relationship and what kind of marriage I would like to have even though I was not exposed to one at home. With that said everyone’s situation is different, however I can see how the theory that people that come from broken homes are in relationships and those that come from 2-parent homes are not due to different expectations can hold true. Finding love is something both children from broken homes and 2-parent homes have in common.
ReplyDeleteWow...the ideas voiced in this post are very thought provoking...I've actually never looked at it from this angle...I need to digest this Lol
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